Long-lasting Transformation for Leaders Who Want to Be Allies Begins With and Thrives on Discomfort

No matter what road you set out for transformation, whether mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual, it always "hurts" initially.

If your goal was to release unwanted pounds, the workouts, the changes in your diet, the juicing/smoothies, and intermittent fasting were uncomfortable initially. But, once you overcame the discomfort, it became easier to do, and you could begin to see the results. You hit plateaus along the way but pushed through to reach your desired goal.

The same is true when you embark upon the journey of being a leader whose Black and Brown employees see as an ally. In case you didn't know, you do not get to call yourself an ally; Black and Brown people must see and "feel" you operating as one.

In the beginning, this is so hard to hear; I understand that. It's like hearing your significant other, or your children tell you that your actions to show your love and care have hurt them instead.

You had great intentions; it made YOU feel good to do your part in the relationship, as a parent, to give them what you thought they needed or what you understood their request to be, only to end up being wrong.?

Who would want to hear this?

Would you rather they never tell you the truth and continue allowing you to do those things??

Or would you prefer that they be honest with you so that you can build a relationship that speaks to both of you? Where they feel seen, heard, loved, understood, cared for, and respected, and you felt as though you were contributing to that good feeling by relating to them in a way that spoke to their hearts and souls?

As a caring person, you would want the latter if you're still reading this article.

Now, imagine your Black and Brown employees as that "significant other" that has been telling you, politely, for as long as they can remember, how they feel, what they need, where you're missing the mark, and for one reason or another, nothing ever changed. After so many failed attempts, they kept quiet and stopped sharing with you.

How does the reality of this feel??

This is what it's like being a Black or Brown employee in Corporate America.

It's not that they don't tell you what they need, why they are disgruntled, fearful, intimidated, angry, hurt, or express the position they genuinely desire to be in; it's that you (or others) have been unable or unwilling to hear them.?

There could be multiple reasons for this...

• You do not understand the life experience of your Black and Brown employees.
• You haven't taken the time to listen to understand.
• You haven't taken the time to learn directly from Black and Brown people.
• You may think that you know what they need based on faulty programming.
• Your leadership doesn't see the value in managers having training in...
• The history of Black and Brown people and workplace trauma in America
• The understanding of how Urban, Workplace, and Generational Trauma play a role in "working while Black and Brown" in corporate America
• How microaggressions, verbal and mental abuse in the workplace affect your Black and Brown employees
• The difference between Performative DEI and Conscious DEI initiatives
• I could go on and on.

The key here is to recognize that you don't know what you don't know, and that's a great start. Awareness is the first step in healing, growing through a situation, and in this case, the first step to becoming an ally recognized by the people you set out to help.

While it doesn't do anyone any good to point the finger at WHY you don't know these things, it is up to you to decide what level of allyship you want to participate in. All our helpful, but knowing where you fall and how to play full out in that space is vital.?

How "deep down the rabbit hole" do you want to go, and how fast would you like to get there?

You could take history classes or grab a few books from the library on Audible or Amazon that give you a glimpse into your employee's past, or attend a rally or two. Still, they will only get you so far and take the long route vs. a direct one.

The fastest way to begin to identify whether or not you are presenting to your Black and Brown employees the way you want to is to ask them. You may feel uncomfortable asking your direct employees to provide feedback; if you do, you can add a few people of color to your advisory board and hire someone of color to be your mentor/coach.

If you happen to have a Black or Brown friend that is not afraid to tell you the truth, you could ask them for direct feedback, tell them your intentions, what it is you would like to do for your Black and Brown employees, and then check in with them on a regular cadence to help keep you honest and on track.

Having friends that will keep you honest is great. Still, for personal reasons and to keep from putting the responsibility of your growth on your friends, whom you might also have triggered on occasion, you may want your support person to be completely neutral to the situation without having preconceived notions about whom you are based on what they know about your past.?

It may be best to hire a Black or Brown consultant to help you identify the "soul" of your team and what you could do to ensure you are showing up as the leader you say you want to be.?

A former White coworker reached out to me for an honest conversation. We discussed my truth as a Black woman in corporate America, my life experiences in and outside the office, his life experience, how specific actions were considered "racist" to people of color, and much more. It was a very eye-opening conversation for both of us. But he was very thankful and appreciative of me directly sharing my truth with him without "softening the blow."

I have no idea what he did with the information he learned or how long he remained curious, but he heard my truth then, and it was up to him what to do with it. He promised to learn how to be a better ally and to stand up for and advocate for the Black and Brown employees under his leadership.

We are straight shooters in "Black world," specifically where I grew up; using soft, pleasant, flowery words to explain ourselves or how to behave in certain situations could get us killed.?

However, it feels harsh and hard to swallow when we express ourselves this way, naturally, to our White counterparts since this is not their inherent style of communication.

Are we being confrontational? Not all of the time. When we want to get our point across or feel like we need to be heard, we can be direct, which might need to be clarified for some people.?

Code-switching is exhausting. This is when a Black or Brown person changes who they are to assimilate into an environment to be considered less threatening or aggressive rather than show up as their authentic selves.?

In my effort to heal corporate America, I must tell the truth. Black and Brown people have "tip-toed" around our truth for too long, not wanting to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. While this is "kind," it defeats the purpose.

If I softly whisper, "you are killing me," you may or may not hear me, believe me, or understand the severity of the situation. But if I speak up clearly and say, "You Are Killing Me," that's a different tone and get s a different response.

If you genuinely want to be an ally and learn how to have authentic connections with your Black and Brown employees, you must recognize that it will not always be comfortable. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is something we learn early on; it's how we live our lives. Unfortunately, it is natural to us. If you want to be an ally, you must accept that this is what you are signing up for.

I tell my clients and audiences alike when you embark upon this journey, there is a lot that you will have to sit with, acknowledge, come to peace with, recognize, ask questions, and focus on understanding vs. being reactive or defensive. Your feelings are valid, but you cannot expect a Black or Brown person to put your feelings over theirs if you want to do this work. You must work on yourself individually, sometimes simultaneously, while trying to do allyship work at your organization.

You will need to build your support team, consisting of a Black mentor/coach and a therapist. You will get triggered, and your feelings will get hurt. You will sometimes want to lash out at the person giving the information because you will discover that the things you were taught about your Black and Brown employees as a group of people are not necessarily true.?

It will cause you to question yourself, your family, your friends, your church, your organizations, your colleagues, your leadership, and every aspect of your life. You will feel lost, confused, angry, hurt, attacked, and some have even said they felt reverse discrimination. And that is to be expected.?

The difference between most leaders and their Black and Brown employees is that the employees have grown up understanding the truth about the world as it relates to White people in leadership. On the other hand, white people have been fed alternative facts and disinformation about the life experiences of their Black and Brown employees since they were young enough to begin intuitively sensing feelings. I'll get into the energetics of this at another time.

Your employees of color can "read the room" faster than you can say hello and quickly identify insecurities, blind spots, false allies, wolves in sheep's clothing, and BSr's to understand how to navigate any space...safely. Can you identify when you've said something "off-color" or offensive to your Black and Brown employees, friends, or loved ones? Are you aware of at least 14 things you unknowingly do that are racist to Black and Brown people, and why? Have you taken the Harvard Unconscious Bias test better to understand yourself as a leader and a person? I have added links to both at the end of the newsletter.

I must step on a few toes along the way to heal corporate America. It is not to shame you, make you feel less than others, try to make me feel superior over you, or none of that. It's to awaken you to the reality of the world WE live in so that you can decide what role you want to play in helping your Black and Brown employees navigate spaces that are not set up for them to succeed in, then play your role fully, Activate Your Privilege!? or not.?

The choice is yours!?

Suppose you sincerely want to learn how to be a better ally. In that case, if you need an outspoken Black woman on your Advisory Board as your coach, your mentor, or to address/train your leadership, I'd be happy to discuss how I can assist you and/or your company in growing in this area.

14 Unintentionally Racist Things White People Do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mnzeu3cYQI&t=381s

Harvard University Implicit Bias (blind spot, unconscious bias) test https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

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