The long goodbye - supporting those with bereavement

My Dad was laid to rest last Tuesday at the age of 92. We lost both my mum and brother last year, aged 91 and 64.

The reason for writing this is not for sympathy. The cycle of life is inevitable and my parents lived long and wonderful lives.

What has struck me, vividly, is I felt there can be a difference between a person coping with a sudden and unexpected death, and someone who has been saying "the long goodbye" for some time.

My mum had been in a care home for a year and we knew with certainty over her remaining few weeks that these would be her last. Exactly the same circumstances with my Dad last month.

With both my parents passing, I was not only able to keep up a solid work schedule (with a few notable hours and days out) but actually welcomed work as a necessary distraction.

My excellent employers went above and beyond to make sure I had what I needed and constantly reminded me that if I wanted to step back it was not an issue. However, I felt that work gave me a focus and balance that helped me through some difficult days.

To me, this is the exact opposite of a sudden death, especially an unexpected death. At that point, you must "wrap your arms around" the bereaved, giving them space from the normal work and social pressures to help them come to terms with their loss, and make the necessary arrangements.

This is a personal reflection. I don't pretend this is right for everyone, of course. A loss is devastating at any time. But I wanted to note that a person, like me, can use the discipline and focus required of a job to help them, especially when we've known this day will come for a long, long while.

So when a colleague or member of your team is dealing with something like this, find out what they need and support them in any way you can. It may be they need time, but also they might need a focus that will help them through a dark day.

RIP Daniel Gray 23/3/31 - 6/8/23