Lonely at the Top and What to Do About It

For many, reaching the top of the corporate ladder is the fulfillment of a dream come true, whether achieved thru merit-based ascension or via the entrepreneurial route of leading the company you founded. But, while it may be a dream come true, the position comes with a whole new set of skills, requirements, pressures, scrutiny, and more, for which very few are prepared to deal with, nor which they are trained for. While it’s something many people continue to strive for, they simply don’t realize how lonely and isolating it can be.

In an oft quoted interview in the Washington Post in 2016, 5 years after ascending to the CEO position, Apple’s (second) legendary leader, Tim Cook, said that ‘being a CEO is a lonely job’. Shakespeare, alluding to a similar feeling wrote in Henry IV, Part 2, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown”. What is that feeling? And where does it come from?

In this article, I’d like to pull the cover back on senior isolation and explore what leaders can do to minimize the isolation so many experience.

A Main Source of Loneliness

Although the popular expression references loneliness, in fact, the more accurate feeling is isolation. Although less catchy, it would be more accurate for the saying to be: you are isolated at the top. Why is this so?

Studies and academic papers have been written about the idea of loneliness and/or isolation, and how it manifests itself, and, why it manifests itself specifically in those who have reached the pinnacle. And, as you might imagine, many solutions have been suggested to remedy this manifestation.

I’m personally more interested in the practical, specifically for first time CEOs who seem to be particularly susceptible to this problem. How does isolation come about? What causes it for them? How does one deal with it and minimize it? Feelings of isolation have been shown to cause diminished results particularly in individuals with newfound authority and especially in first time CEOs. The isolation can cause them to become insular, living in a bubble or echo chamber, where their decisions aren’t necessarily their best, and can lead to executive burn-out or worse. Tim Cook found ways to overcome these issues as is evidenced at the end of the same interview where he says, “I’ve got the best job in the world.” ?

From my personal experience as a C-Level officer in startups, growth companies, and in turn-around situations, it can very well be lonely or isolated at the top. Especially when you’re not sure what to do, what decision to make, you’re hesitant or unsure about strategic decisions, how to manage your work-life balance, and more. The pressure of the leadership position can come from all directions. It comes from above at the Board of Director level, from below, from employees who expect and are looking to you for leadership, from your peers in the management team, who also expect you to decide, lead and give them direction, and even from home. It is a common mistake to allow your job to overtake your responsibilities to your family, or it put strains on your relationship with your spouse. Too many leaders allow their work to engender feelings of professional life or death which they simply do not know how to manage or deal with.

Isolation, Inaction, and Indecision

A common situation that I help others deal with is when the burden of isolation causes inaction and/or indecision. ?What I have discovered in my work with CEOs and leaders is that this is caused by a variety of related reasons, namely, inexperience, uncertainty, or insecurity, being the most common. Why? Many are perfectionists whose self-image is often so tied up in their own excellence and success, they’re afraid to admit to anyone, sometimes even to themselves, that they may not have the experience and need help, even briefly. This inability to share causes isolation from those you are leading and who expect you to lead them.?Sadly, it’s not uncommon for this isolation to extend even to the people closest to you, like your spouse.

As often as not, ego is often a prime cause of problems. Ego is the number one reason for company failure—not being willing to admit a mistake and instead doubling down on proving you’re right. Ego is also often the reason for feeling isolated. What will people think of me? How will they see me as a leader? As the CEO? Maybe they’ll realize that they made a mistake in promoting me, or they’ll hire someone to replace me.

As I was writing this article, a young, first-time CEO I know called to talk. I told him I was writing this article and he said, “Wow, that’s really true. For example, in my situation, we have a new investor who’s on our Board. I really can’t show him that I’m weak. So, if I have a problem, he’s the last person I’m not going to talk to about it.”

These dark seated feelings are not uncommon for leaders to contemplate in the privacy of their minds and hearts, and often lead to feelings of isolation that can certainly create a self-fulfilling prophecy of poorer performance and negative outcomes that will ultimately lead to their downfall, as they had feared.

How to Break Out

It’s important to realize that feeling isolated is not a necessary function of the job. In reality, there’s no reason for you to be insecure to begin with. Easier said than done, I know. But you are in that position because the people who hired you believed in you! Internalizing this will help you to believe it too!

For example, I have a friend who many years ago was a young software engineer. His company selected him to be the Group Leader in charge of the very same people he worked shoulder to shoulder with. He came to me, unsure and insecure, not knowing what to do. I asked him, “what’s bothering you?” He said, “I’m no smarter than the rest of the team. How am I going to lead them?” I explained to him that the reason the company selected him to be the group leader wasn’t because he was smarter than everyone else. It was because they recognized in him someone who was willing to take responsibility and make decisions. Most people don’t want that responsibility. Your company promoted you because they see that quality in you. Take it as a compliment. Now, think of how you want to develop your decision-making system. He did. And three years later, he became the successful CEO of his own startup.

While insecurity hiding in the background is not unusual when reaching a leadership level of position and power, it’s important to create a support group around you to help you overcome these insecurities. Adopting a more transparent, collaborative work environment is one method that can be embraced to get you out of your own bubble or echo chamber.

Having a trusted advisor, whether paid or unpaid, is another method that can be critical to overcoming not only your insecurity, but the isolation that comes with it. Knowing that there’s someone you can bounce ideas off of, who can help you think through decisions, and help you reach the best decision you can, provides a level of comfort, learning, and experience. This alleviates the insecurity and provides you with the experience and confidence to not only break out of your feelings of isolation, but also to grow into the confident and successful leader you always imagined yourself to be.

Another issue often faced by leaders in any organization or hierarchy is trust issues. Do you want me because of who I am or what I can do for you? I’ve met many leaders and celebrities from the worlds of business, film, and sport for whom this is a daily problem. In the film, “The King’s Speech”, it was the speech therapist who came from far down the social ladder who not only helps him overcome his severe stutter, but also befriends him for life as a person, and becomes the king’s trusted advisor.

Characteristics of a Trusted Advisor

When I think of a trusted advisor, my thoughts go immediately to one of the greatest, classic movies, “The Godfather”. Among its many attributes is perhaps how it popularized the role of the Consigliere for business leaders. What is it?

A Consigliere is an advisor or counselor to the boss. In other words, he/she is a close, trusted friend and confidant, devoid of ambition who dispenses impartial, dispassionate advice. Just the type of person a leader with feelings of isolation needs to help them out of their isolated state.

What other attributes should you seek in your trusted advisor or Consigliere? In no particular order of importance, I suggest that in addition to the above definition, your consigliere should also be able to explain complex issues in easily understandable and digestible terms, provide practical and/or actionable advice, different perspectives, all while demonstrating excellent judgement.

Additionally, the person should ideally be honest, transparent, and trustworthy, with a high degree of integrity. They should be empathetic, active listeners who ask the right questions to help lead to impactful and positive outcomes. And lastly, they need to be responsive and available.

Are You Experiencing Feelings of Leadership Isolation?

If this has resonated with you and you, or someone you know, are experiencing feelings of leadership isolation, and you want to hire a Consigliere to provide you with honest, open, and unvarnished feedback, connect and message me on LinkedIn and we’ll get started.