The Lonely Pilot

Being exposed to this one environmental factor can increase your risk of premature death by more than 60%. It's comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day according to the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. Strangely, we do not talk about it because we mistakenly think the perspective is subjective, but loneliness is an insidious disease that can bring down the strongest people and relationships—including pilots.

Despite being locked in a box with others for hundreds of hours each year, a pilot's career can be a lonely path. For family members, it can be even lonelier, so it's important to shine a spotlight on the byproducts of a high-stress traveling profession, depression, and why the pilot divorce rate is high and marriage rate growing lower.

Pilot Personality

Each of us has an ingrained behavioral reflex and trend-of-thought process. The piloting profession attracts a certain personality type, but being a professional pilot requires a contradiction of personality traits.

Pilots in general are introverts, but they exhibit extroverted behavior. In other words, pilots are natural lone wolves with an independent spirit. They know how to lead a pack, but they prefer doing things by themselves. Too often, "ego" is linked with negative behavior, but a healthy ego is a requirement for pilots. Piloting an aircraft requires a strong internal self-confidence that you can be up in the air with a complex machine in complicated airspace and know without a doubt you can handle whatever variables come along.

The downside is that by locking two healthy egos in a flight deck just inches away from each other, there's bound to be passive aggressive conflict, even between pilots who consider themselves friends. Pilots are trained to work under Crew Resource Management rules, and they're excellent at it, but it's not their instinct. They do not particularly like small talk. They love the challenge of flying an approach to minimums, but trivial conversation is exhausting.

The observable behavior is the ability to constantly make high-level leadership decisions (even as a First Officer) followed by an instant reaction to layers of input. To function at this level, pilots must be able to detach themselves from emotion. If an engine is on fire, pilots need to compartmentalize the situation and separate it from how a human should react—with fear. This same ability can also make pilots appear detached, abrasive, harsh, uncaring, and lacking empathy. They score low on emotional intelligence, which is a benefit in the ability to communicate with an aircraft because you must be able to detach from emotion to make a machine do what you want it to do.

The strength of a pilot is also their downfall in relationships because the ability to easily detach can be an issue for the rest of the personalities in their world. To compound the problem, most pilots need alone time to recharge, so even when they're home, they may not be fully present until they've had some quiet time.

For those not in the industry, all they know is that you've been gone for days and now that you're back, you're still not "home." This behavior can trigger emotional loneliness for others.

"I'm Never Getting Married. Kids? Gross"

Most pilots begin their career path in their late teens and early twenties. At that time, most will tell you they are never going to get married or have kids...then most end up married with kids.

During the early years of a new relationship, having a pilot-spouse can be thrilling. It's still a distinguished and interesting career, and the paycheck eventually gets better. Maybe the new partner will get to come along on a trip or two. They listen to exciting stories of interesting aircraft, fascinating destinations, and intriguing passenger behavior. Then a few years rolls by, and that same spouse is shouldering all the work at home, alone, listening to the same stories.

Their pilot partner calls them from some exotic location during a layover while eating a nice meal. On the other end of the phone, their partner is wiping Gerber peas off their shirt, the dishwasher is broken, the HOA is angry about the tall grass, and the toddler has an earache. Now their perspective is a little different and resentment begins. They feel completely lonely. Not just alone, but the pain of loneliness will ooze into the relationship. The irony is that they will both feel it equally but see it differently.

The pilot on the other hand, just got done with a 14-hour duty day that started five time zones away at 0300 while fighting the beginning of a cold, the belligerent passenger onboard required security to come onboard, the weight and balance numbers were wrong, there were two massive thunderstorms along their route and one on their approach, their captain was of a different political affiliation (and proud of it), the crew hotel room smells like dirty socks, the maid knocked on the door the day before at 0900 but they had just gone to bed at 0400... the point is that it's not a glamorous life, but it appears that way to the person waiting at home.

Loneliness can be broken down into three categories:

• Social loneliness – a perceived deficit in the quality/quantity of social connections. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely.
• Emotional loneliness – the absence of meaningful relationships. You could have lots of friends, but no one to tell your secrets to.
• Existential loneliness – a feeling of fundamental separateness from everything and everyone. This is how you feel arriving at your crew hotel room alone at 0200, on Christmas Day, while your kids sleep waiting for Santa.

The reality is that pilots, even though they don't mind being alone, often experience all these categories of loneliness at the same time, especially while out on long trips. Their personality and stoicism won't allow them to acknowledge it. They like being alone, so what's this other ache?

The high incidence of infidelity in the pilot world stems from this environment of disconnection from home. Divorce is so common among pilots, they even gave it a name which is now an old adage—Aviation Inducted Divorce Syndrome (AIDS). Depression is also more prevalent among pilots than the average population, and this non-macho/marianismo loneliness condition is often an undiagnosed cause. Remember that depression does not equate to being suicidal. Severe clinical depression or mood and bipolar disorders are more linked to intentional harm.

Put Loneliness on the MEL

For pilots, loneliness can be put on the MEL. You'll have to fly while you're broken for a while, but that also means you have a requirement to fix it; if not your own, at least your spouse/partner's. You have the power to do this. So first, let's recognize what's broken.

Being a pilot often means feeling lonely, not just alone, more than the average person. There are also diverse levels between business aviation pilots and the airline pilot because of crew dynamics. Airline pilots fly with strangers more often. For business aviation and corporate flight departments, pilots are often permanently paired together, which can be good or bad.

Loneliness is experienced in equal amounts for both married and single pilots, but the types and depth are different. Single pilots can experience a deeper social and existential loneliness that can accumulate over time, even though there's acceptance within themselves that being single is okay. They accept the condition of being single and are surrounded by coworkers, which on the surface creates a superficial appearance of relationships, but not having anyone you deeply trust to share your secret concerns or fears with can push pilots into unrecognized depression, which detaches them ever more.

Married pilots can feel the tug of loneliness stronger because their tether is being pulled from home. Their additional layer of angst is often guilt because they're missing their family or momentous events while bitterness brews from family waiting at home, feeling their absence. They may come home to resentment and frustration that further drives a wedge between the chasm of loneliness.

Corrective Actions

The nature of aviation will not change. Sure, there are better schedules out there, but it depends on your perspective. The fix will never come from the industry side. Fixing it requires reframing your life for yourself and those in it.

It's important to recognize the limits of your own loneliness and when that feeling becomes painful. Let that self-awareness guide your career path. If you know that you hate your job after being gone for two days simply because you're gone, then why would you be looking for a piloting job at an international cargo company? Sure, the pay is good, but is your or your family's pain worth it? You'll have career fatigue in a year.

Some pilots and/or their families prefer long chunks of work contrasted with long stretches of days off. Air ambulance flying wouldn't be a good fit. Maybe a med pilot is home more often, but now your bucket list stays unchecked because there's no time to get away. Sure, the yard is mowed, but a two-week safari is a pipe dream.

If you're already married and have been in a piloting career for a while, you've already thought about sending this article to your spouse. The stress on the relationship has already been felt because no one really knows what it's like to be a pilot, or married to a pilot, unless you are a pilot or have been married to a pilot for a while! It can be awful for both. That acknowledgment is where you begin in fixing this byproduct of being a pilot.

Female pilots are 138% more likely to marry another pilot than someone in another profession (sorry, there are not enough women pilots to go around to fix that balance). Not too many other people would understand the demands of the flight deck, so by having a pilot-pilot relationship, there is no need to explain. But the rest of you will have to explain.

For young couples, sit down and really talk about what it looks like when one of you is gone for days or weeks at a time. Does the person at home have a support network? When you're at home, are you setting that person up for success for being alone? Have you thought about five days from now? If that person knows you're genuinely acknowledging the burden they carry and try to do something about it, you can reframe your relationship that you are always looking forward to seeing each other.

For single pilots, we already know why you wear your uniform to the grocery store. Yes, being a pilot for both men and women can be intriguing—and looks good on a dating app. Some pilots choose to remain single and have a thriving life that would make most of us jealous. We live vicariously through their social media posts. They eat out alone, do yoga, go to museums and libraries and visit every tourist trap. But don't let that fool you. Momentum keeps the depression away. Humans aren't meant to be alone. We all need connection with others to be successful, not just a pilot.

Feelings of loneliness remind us when it's time to reconnect. It takes work but don't stop until you find your tribe and that special aviation weirdo in it that you can connect with.

There are numerous social media platforms and MeetUp groups for aviation lovers (not just dating, but a gathering of aviation geeks), but yes, there are even pilot-only dating sites! If you need help immediately, dial 988. If you want to share your lonely story, [email protected] can listen.

References:

Surgeon General's Advisory on Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation

Pilot Marriage and Divorce Rates