Loneliness

As I mulled over which topic to write about, I kept stubbing my proverbial toe against something along the trend of loneliness - so here's a take on the topic.

There is a difference between being alone and loneliness that is nuanced by feelings of belonging, acceptance, and understanding. I spend a tremendous amount of time alone and deeply appreciate it. Working from home created more opportunities for alone time, where I can decompress in ways I didn't realize I was lacking pre-pandemic. I am happy being alone and some things are better done alone! Loneliness, on the other hand, comes from feeling a lack of connection to the world around you. And in an ever-connected world, loneliness is more prevalent than ever as we strive to incorporate the changes from the last few years into our lives.

Times when I personally feel lonely:

When I am in a situation where people are drinking. I have stopped drinking alcohol three years ago - I have lost count because it is irrelevant. Enough unhealthy situations happened involving alcohol over the years - house robbery, being in a car accident, being drugged, combined with a hangover after just one drink in my late 20's - it stopped being worth my money, my health, and my experience. I wouldn't say that I had a problem with alcohol, but I do admit that in some cases it was a coping mechanism or a social lubricant to fit in. Looking back at it, it was rare that I was drinking because I was enjoying it, and more often the case: because others were doing it. But that is all besides the point - I have made a life choice that has yielded a better quality of living. Yet. I find myself being the lonely person out, especially when it comes to the business world. People's behavior changes on alcohol. Things can be said that aren't meant, the polished fa?ade can come down in unexpected ways, jests happen that may not otherwise transpire. Being the sober one in those moments can be jarring; what do you close your eyes to? What do you write off to the booze talking? Am I really a stick in the mud because I choose my health over something to fit in with the group? Countless times I find myself withdrawing into silence, into myself to just "get through it" or get to a point where I can leave on a high note. These experiences push me away from those social gatherings, which are often deemed "essential" for relationship-building in Corporate America. In the face of being lonely amongst a crowd where I don't belong, I choose to be alone.

This one is pretty current - I feel lonely in not wanting to return to the office. I understand many people's joy about getting to see their colleagues, catch up on life, engage in social activities, and feel a sense of routine and normalcy about being in an office again. But that is not for me. I love the people I work with and cherish the quality time we do get to spend together; it simply comes down to my quality of life supersedes the inconvenience, stress, and cost of going into the office on even a semi-regular basis. Before I moved to Denver, enduring Northern Virginia traffic to get to the office would boil my blood. Actually - letting go of the need of having a car has been a blessing, because driving in a congested area was a stress factor that I neglected for years. I eat better when I work from home and don't have to compromise due to lack of options, therefore my health has improved. I can go for walks, play with my beloved cat, take a quick nap to recharge, feel comfortable in my clothes, and not have to worry so much about my appearance - even choose to be off camera when I don't feel like it. I have saved a fortune on dry cleaning, on eating out, on gas, on my mental health. I am happy to celebrate people's joy in reconnecting with their colleagues again, and I would love to see the same celebration for those who prefer to stay at home. Working alone from home isn't lonely until it is emphasized with the overwhelming focus on getting back into the office.

Another one that can cause loneliness - not as often, especially now that I am in Denver, but enough to get a mention - is being vegan. Veganism is not as difficult as many assume. In fact, once you make the choice - all the food in my house is vegan (except my cat's food hehe) - it becomes very easy to stick to it. Takes the guess-work out of choosing what to eat, what's healthy, what's not, etc. Although recently I learned Oreos are vegan... No Oreos in this pantry! But when it comes to eating out - that's a tricky one. It almost always starts a conversation - and some jokes - about being vegan. Some are lighthearted, others - not so much. It is worse when you hear it behind your back. I have enjoyed meat for many years of my life; the fine filet, the full rack of baby back ribs, sushi, chicken wings - you name it, I savored it! But why does veganism prompt a scrutiny of dietary preferences and judgement? I experienced rude comments regarding being vegan just last week; I struggle to understand why my choice for a healthier life for me is something that can cause a big deal to others when it impacts them in no way? In the light of reveling in a well-cooked vegan meal, I choose to eat alone.

The one that hurts the most right now is the loneliness of being left. Growing up with Disney, there is a little girl inside of me that still daydreams about my own happily ever after. Each time, I feel like I get close to finding the person I am meant to spend my life with. Something shifts, something changes, and the feeling of being alone after experiencing the beauty of genuine love and connection is extremely lonely. I look around at people in my age group: majority are married, starting families, some already have multiple kids. Sometimes I wonder if that is simply not the path for me, and that can leave me feeling bitter. Choosing to come to Denver to pursue my career was a clear ticket to my relationship ending - it was a hard choice to make, because I knew my partner's stance before I made it. It should not be a surprise to me, but it still hurts when he called it quits. Carrying the weight of a decision between career and love - especially when I really want a partner to journey life with - is a lonely burden and one I don't expect many to have to make. So, now, I choose to be alone with a vow of solitude and celibacy for a year (for starters).

Ultimately, what loneliness comes down to is the feeling of isolation from others for a variety of reasons. It's a lack of empathy and understanding, it's an over-normalization of one way of life without room for other ways of life, it's lack of inclusion, it's lack of awareness. I am blessed that many examples that I shared above are choices I have made for myself - I can stand by them and know that what I am choosing is ultimately for me. Moving to a city that aligns closer to my values has been a blessing. It's no wonder that people are looking for new jobs, new places to live, new experiences to have - the collective snow globe has been shaken with the transpiring events of the last few years. These were all changes that were necessary, too - it is for the better. However, many people are still adjusting to these changes, and new-found personal perspective shifts can create loneliness because they no longer fit in with the people, places, timelines, and situations they were in before 2020.

It's okay to chose to be alone. It's okay to say "no" to things that make you feel lonely. It's okay to seek and surround yourself with people who will rise you up, rather than trying to force something that doesn't align. It's okay to make a change in your life that's against the grain. It's okay to let your true self shine, regardless of the loneliness. That light will be a beacon for the environment where you will thrive.