Loneliness is not the same as being on your own

For anyone that is counting, this is August's edition early. I've got a busy time coming up, so I thought I'd get this out early rather than super late.

There's a beautiful song by Richard Hawley that I've had on repeat for some time over the last month. I've been fortunate enough to see Hawley live a few times, and many of his songs resonate with me, but this one has been ever-present in recent weeks for reasons I'll get into shortly.

If you have the time, before we begin, give it a quick listen online (it's free on YouTube). For me, one of the key lines in the song is, "loneliness is not the same as being on your own." A lot of what people write about when discussing loneliness focuses on physical separation from others. It's frequently cited in articles about the pandemic and remote working. If I asked you to create an image of someone who is lonely in your mind, you'd probably envision someone standing alone. In fact, I can do one better than that—I can ask AI to create an image based on that simple description. This is what it made:

But it's not correct, is it? That's not what loneliness is. I think one of the reasons why I've recently been able to better understand what loneliness is is because I think I might be lonely.

Loneliness isn't about being alone.

I first wrote about loneliness in the workplace in 2019 and have done so at least once a year since. If you'd asked me earlier this year if I had ever been lonely, the only time I could likely think of was when I knew I was gay but felt unable to tell anyone. Anyone who is LGBTQ+ can likely identify with what it's like in their own head when they're not "out." It's a loneliness that comes from feeling like no one understands you, appreciates what it's like for you, or how difficult things are.

But twenty years on from coming out, in 2024, I find myself feeling lonely again. It's taken me a while to figure out what is going on, but I suspect a bout of burnout is likely to blame. I am someone who is so completely dedicated to my work that it has become a huge part of how I identify as person. Which means when that gets rocky, my entire self does too.

But loneliness is complex, and being able to put your finger on exactly what it is can be challenging. For people like me, who are dealing with a form of grief due to my mum's deteriorating Alzheimer's, it's become quite clear; it's contributing to feelings of loneliness. I see my mum once a week and it never gets any less devastating. If you've been through it with your own parent, you'll truly understand what it's like.

I also do a job that feels quite isolated. I'm left to my own devices quite a bit and have huge autonomy in my role (both a blessing and sometimes a curse). I also have quite a few people reporting to me, and as anyone who is a manager knows, that relationship is very much top-down—to be there for them and help them as much as I can with what they need. When you have a team reporting to you and are a caregiver in your family, you are effectively looking after a lot of people at once. But also, anyone who is senior in their business can also often feel quite isolated. They aren't physically alone, they are just almost alone with their thoughts quite often. I report to the CEO (another role that I'm sure is full of loneliness for many reasons), which again makes it difficult. I dont have team meetings and weekly catch ups as that's become impractical in a business of our size.

Caring for others, whether as a caregiver for a family member, a professional in a caring profession, or simply as someone who often puts others' needs before their own, can paradoxically lead to feelings of loneliness. In addition, something not often written about is how loneliness can be a by-product of burnout. Again, something I'm quickly coming to the realisation is manifesting from the situation I find myself in.

Let me summarize those points to make them a bit clearer and give you some definitions which may help when you think about how a wellbeing strategy at work could help someone like me:

Self-Neglect: Caregivers often prioritize the needs of those they care for over their own, leading to neglect of their own health and wellbeing. I find myself doing this weekly. When I need time off to disconnect and chill out, I feel guilty and instead use that time to go and help my parents. How would an employer ensure people have enough time to look after their family and themselves? The Carers Act helps, but it's unpaid so unlikely to make a difference. Could you offer enhanced leave or flexibility?

Emotional Labor: Emotional labor involves managing one's own emotions and the emotions of others, often suppressing personal feelings to provide care and support. Anyone who manages a team can understand this one. Do your management team have a network? Can your leaders meet up with each other and created a peer group?

Burnout: A state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged and intense stress. It is common among caregivers and those in "helping" professions. How often do we keep an eye out for our caregivers? To check in on them and see what they need?

Identity and Role Strain: Role strain occurs when the demands of one role interfere with the ability to fulfill other roles. Caregivers often experience a loss of personal identity as they become consumed by their caregiving responsibilities. How can we ensure we are given people adequate recognition and celebrating their work so that they dont feel like their whole identify is wrapped up in being a caregiver?

If it's not about "being alone," then employers can do something about their people "feeling alone."

If employers are going to have a positive impact on loneliness in the workplace, we have to look at it with a bit more detail. It's likely very little to do with "being alone" and likely everything to do with "feeling alone."

I have a close family and lots of friends who check in regularly. I've got neighbors who check in on me, many of you regularly check in on me, which is wonderful. I have colleagues who regularly check in on me to make sure I'm okay. I also have a long-term partner who I live with who checks in on me daily. But it hasn't stopped me from feeling alone.

While for me, I'm confident that my current state is fleeting, it has made me think about how best anyone feeling like me can be supported at work. I think for many, it's simply an acknowledgment of their situation and recognition for the work they do.

I started the first 2024 edition of this newsletter by saying recognition would feature heavily, soo it's no surprise that a lack of recognition at work can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. I'd even go as far as saying a lack of recognition is a predictor of loneliness at work.

But it's such an easy fix for employers. Here’s some of the supporting evidence that might help you to think about what you could do in your organisation to tackle feelings of loneliness;

Sense of Belonging: Recognition helps employees feel valued and part of the team, fostering a sense of belonging. Without it, employees may feel overlooked and disconnected from their colleagues and the organization. A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that recognition from supervisors and peers significantly impacts employees' feelings of belonging and engagement. When employees feel unrecognised, they are more likely to experience loneliness and detachment from their workplace.

Mental Health Effects: Lack of recognition can lead to decreased self-esteem and increased feelings of inadequacy, contributing to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, which are often linked to feelings of loneliness. The American Psychological Association highlights that employees who do not receive adequate recognition are more prone to stress and mental health issues. These mental health challenges can exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Employee Feedback: Regular feedback and recognition help employees understand their contributions' impact, making them feel valued and less isolated. A survey by Achievers found that 69% of employees would work harder if they felt their efforts were better appreciated. This recognition can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness by affirming their value within the organisation.

I think employers can create an environment where no one "feels lonely." This starts from understanding what it really is and why it happens.

Recognition is more than a pat on the back; it is a lifeline that connects us to our purpose and each other. The absence of recognition leaves people feeling invisible, compounding the "isolation" 1 in 5 are feeling.

Imagine a workplace where every contribution is acknowledged, where the small victories and the big achievements are celebrated. This kind of recognition does more than boost morale; it tells us that we matter, that our efforts are seen, and that we are not alone. Studies have shown that such recognition can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and improve mental health.

You've read to the end, so please do me one favour; send a message or an email to just one person you work with. Acknowledge them and recognise something they've done for you this year. We are terrible at doing this and just assume that everyone knows we appreciate them. It's not enough, you've got to tell them. It will take three minutes for you to make someone feel less lonely.

[SOURCES]

https://www.gallup.com/workplace/349484/state-of-the-global-workplace.aspx?

https://extension.unh.edu/blog/2022/05/prolonged-social-isolation-loneliness-are-equivalent-smoking-15-cigarettes-day

https://www.reuters.com/article/business/healthcare-pharmaceuticals/loneliness-living-alone-tied-to-shorter-lifespan-study-idUSL3E8HI8S9/#:~:text=The%20study%20included%20more%20than,who%20didn%27t%20live%20alone.

2023 I commented on new research that found half of UK employees were lonely most, or all of the time: https://www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/article/1818089/half-employees-feel-lonely-time-study-finds

2022 I wrote about it: https://employeebenefits.co.uk/gethin-nadin-how-the-future-of-work-will-affect-employee-wellbeing-and-engagement/

2021 I did some research on the subject: https://www.managementtoday.co.uk/poor-mental-health-loneliness-tops-employees-wfh-experience/leadership-lessons/article/1730336

2021 I wrote a Report on it for Engage for Success: https://peoplelab.co.uk/why-a-human-centred-approach-to-wellbeing-will-help-the-road-to-covid-19-recovery/

2021 I wrote about it again: https://reba.global/resource/combatting-employee-lonliness-through-employee-recognition.html

2020 I spoke about loneliness on the HR Gazette podcast: https://hr-gazette.com/hrchat-interview-with-gethin-nadin-employee-experience-and-mental-wellbeing/