Loneliness: the other pandemic we may not notice

Mother Teresa once said in her book (A Simple Path : Mother Teresa) that:

“...the greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love...”

Loneliness is a common human emotion - from the child struggling to find friends in school, to the elderly person who lives alone. At different stages in our life, we may all experience this emotion. And although common, the resulting human experience differs. In recent times, it has especially become a cause for concern due to the effects on mental health.?

The Covid-19 pandemic shone the spotlight on how important human connection is for us - how we all felt lonely being by ourselves, face to face only with takeout food and Netflix. With the word slowly reopening, people are once again able to reignite relationships that might have gone quiet during the past 2 years.

However, does that mean that we should thus assume that the experience of loneliness no longer exists once things open up? No. Not everyone has been able to resume the natural state of connection given prolonged periods of isolation, with some people feeling awkward and anxious when meeting people for the first time (since lockdowns started).

Challenges loneliness poses

A person who experiences loneliness and is unable to find anyone to support him or her increases the risk for developing biological dysfunctions, psychological distress, and behavioural problems. For example, they might begin withdrawing from their normal activities (e.g. friends gatherings, attending community events etc), addiction issues and obesity. While loneliness seems to be more of a common concern in seniors, during the pandemic especially, it became more prevalent beyond this demographic.?

Humans are social beings designed for connection. These connections can naturally be found in our home, office and places of recreation like churches, gyms, community centers. During the pandemic, these regular structures became removed for the sake of safe distancing, resulting in people being isolated in their homes.

In small doses, loneliness is like hunger or thirst, a healthy signal that you are missing something and to seek out what you need. But prolonged over time, loneliness can be damaging not just to mental health, but also to physical health - Vivek Murthy, US Surgeon General

Even before the pandemic, the United States surgeon general, Vivek Murthy, said the country was experiencing an “epidemic of loneliness ,” driven by the accelerated pace of life and the spread of technology into all of our social interactions. With this acceleration, he said, efficiency and convenience have “edged out” the time-consuming messiness of real relationships.” The result is a public health crisis on the scale of the opioid epidemic or obesity, Dr. Murthy said.?

Loneliness in a Crowd

Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, humans naturally have a need to feel connected to others - we cannot meet all our needs by ourselves. In this way, loneliness is our brain’s way of motivating us to reach out and build up our networks of support. It may seem that once we surrounded by people (whether at work, or even at a recreational gathering like a party) that we are no longer lonely. However, that isn't always true.

The main reason for this is that being in the same room as people is vastly different from feeling connected. Sometimes being surrounded by strangers or people you’re just not very close to can just make you feel more alone, because all those people remind you of the connections you wish you had.?You might end up leaving the situation feeling empty and dissatisfied.

It thus comes down to the purpose of what we are looking for in terms of connection, what kind of conditions or environments actually facilitate that.

What can we do to stem loneliness?

1.Get involved in your community

The pandemic brought a greater awareness of mental health to the forefront. We started to realise that the community groups we are part of - religious, interest groups, even fitness classes, offered something beyond the direct purpose of the activity. They were a means for gathering and finding support and strength in connection with one another.?

As things start to open up, it would be helpful to slowly re-engage in those groups again. If you are feeling anxious, just know that it is natural to expect things to take time. Given that cases are still high in some parts of the world (and people are concerned about their safety), we can take one step at time. Another option is to continue to explore online options or smaller gatherings. You might even call an old friend over the phone to have a chat. Who knows, they might be feeling lonely too!

Most importantly, be comfortable and kind to yourself as you readjust to meeting people again.

2. Embrace your alone time

It's important to distinguish between "loneliness" and "aloneness".

• Loneliness is often a feeling stemming from not having something, or feeling like something is missing.
• Aloneness is being ok with embracing your full self, and taking care of yourself.

To get more comfortable with yourself and aloneness, remind yourself of the benefits:

(a) You could focus on what YOU have always wanted to do

(b) You can have more time to INTROSPECT.

(c)You can cultivate new SKILLS that you are passionate about.

When you do feel uncomfortable, instead of allowing your mind to ruminate, you could journal out your feelings, and try to understand what "being alone" means to you. Perhaps it it might be just the opportunity to shed mental models that no longer work for you, and adopt a more empowering one!

3. Strengthen existing relationships

Make a list of people of people if your life you could reconnect with, or get to know better. It doesn't always have to be seeking out new connections, but deepening the ones you already have. If you are unable to meet in person due to the restrictions, you could have a virtual coffee and chat. If you can go out, begin with a one-to-one meeting or a small group, where you won't feel too overwhelmed too quickly.

4. Volunteer

“Volunteering is one of the best, most certain ways we can find a purpose and meaning in our life,” said Val Walker, the author of “400 Friends and No One to Call: Breaking Through Isolation and Building Community.”

Giving to others shifts the focus away from ourselves onto others. In essence, instead of overly focusing on "Why am I feeling so lonely?", we can ask "What can we do for the people around me?" This shift of question is powerful and focuses our attention on how we can be of service, resulting in a broadening of perspective and gratitude for what we do have. As we help others, they feel supported, and our own sense of isolation eases .?

On top of that, if you volunteer for a cause or organization that you feel genuinely passionate about, you may find like-minded people to begin hanging out with! It's a lovely win-win!

Conclusion

During the pandemic, I started to engage more in creative expression and fitness activities. I even joined the two together by taking walks to journal and colour on the beach. These were things I had wanted to do for a very long time; however, as a natural extrovert, I did not make time to do so before as I was constantly surrounded by people. Having that time alone, I was able to reflect and be more selective and intentional about the people I wanted to connect with post-pandemic.?It was such a valuable insight into myself, and hopefully you too can learn to embrace your aloneness!

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Disclaimer:

I share authentically what I think possible solutions might be, but it is purely from what I have studied (scientific evidence) and my own experience in coaching & training others in this area for the past 11 years. I am not here to diagnose or treat. If you need further help, please do seek the necessary support.

References:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/21/well/mind/loneliness-volunteering.html

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide

https://www.vivekmurthy.com/together-book

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/20/nyregion/loneliness-epidemic.html

https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2021/01/feature-the-loneliness-pandemic