Loneliness isn't inevitable – a guide to making new friends as an adult

Striking up friendships can be tricky – and studies show millions of us are lonely. Here, four people who forged new connections explain how they did it.?

When you are a child in the playground it is pretty simple, but “Do you want to be my friend?” isn’t a line you hear from adults. Teenage years are filled with friendships easily made (and some easily forgotten), when you are feeling keen, sociable and energetic. Then there are engagements, marriage, relocation, career changes, families: life comes calling with its multiple demands, and friendships evolve as a result. I have been happy to see my friends move through these huge life moments, but as much as I value my friendships, I have found myself lonely at times. Some friends are physically far away, while others are time-poor and, with the best will in the world, it isn’t simple to see each other as often as we would like.

According to a recent study by the Red Cross in partnership with Co-op,?more than nine million adults in the UK are often or always lonely. We are facing a loneliness epidemic, with Theresa May taking the step earlier this year of appointing Tracey Crouch as what some have dubbed the “minister for loneliness” to try to tackle the issue.

Loneliness is something we all feel at times and to varying degrees, but it can also be something that we feel uneasy about admitting to.

Another study, published in the journal Personal Relationships, found that?investing in close relationships?was associated with better health, happiness and wellbeing in adulthood.

Still, making friends as an adult can be hard, and takes time – last week?a study from the University of Kansas?found that two people need to spend 90 hours together to become friends, or 200 hours to qualify as close friends.

Usually the basis of making a friend is a shared experience. These are often in abundance in our earlier years, but once those easy opportunities are gone, you can forget that the initial basis for a friendship is to have a similar passion or interest. Joining a group or class based on something you really love, or volunteering for something you care about, can be a great first step for finding friendships, she advises.

Although it can be tricky and nerve-racking, making new friends as an adult can also be rewarding: a message Jacqueline Thomas, 52, is keen to share. Moving to the Warwickshire village of Bulkington in 2015 with her partner David, who is soon to retire, she relished the opportunity to start anew.

“We’ve had to start from scratch because we didn’t know anybody here. Our kids have grown up, so we were looking at a slightly quieter life, but it’s actually turned out to be busier than before,” she says.

Jacqueline started by introducing herself to her neighbours. She credits signing up to a variety of classes and groups at the village hall as the catalyst for her new friendships. She joined the WI hesitantly, worried it would be “all jam and Jerusalem, and I’d be the youngest person there”. But she now says it was one of the best decisions of her life.

Don’t be afraid to try something new, she stresses. A lifelong wheelchair user, Jacqueline was intrigued by a poster in the village hall advertising an?adapted martial arts class. Having gone along with some doubts, she was surprised to find how much she enjoyed it. Encouraged by her teacher,?Carl Hodgetts, who in 2006 became the first wheelchair-using kickboxing instructor in the UK, she now proudly holds a white belt in Shiying Do adapted martial art. “It just takes one leap of faith. Even if you’re absolutely terrified, do it,” she says, adding: “Even I’m a bit shocked about the martial arts, though.”

Over the past couple of years, and nearing 30, I made a conscious effort to make friends. Not to replace old ones, but to make new connections. Like an onion. There’s all these layers of friends and the inner layer are your best friends – you probably only have two or three in your whole life. You might not gain a new best friend, but finding friends for different interests in your life, at different stages, can be a positive.

Joining local running and cycling groups has also been a positive step. It is an excellent way to meet people in the area. Pete McLeod, 25, a fellow athletics fan and member of my track and field club,?Hercules Wimbledon, agrees. After finishing his master’s at Loughborough University, he moved to Wimbledon for his first job and joined the club to keep fit. Making new friends has been a bonus: It’s really rewarding. You get to practice something you enjoy but also have the opportunity to meet new people.

Pete made a New Year resolution in 2015 to push himself out of his comfort zone and speak to people more: The club was a good opportunity to put that into practice … when people aren’t out of breath.” He counts some members of the sprinting group as very good friends now, with the japes and conversations flowing over into tennis matches or walks and coffee at the weekend.

It is important to be proactive, says Juliana Nabinger, 42, who moved from Brazil to Chile with her husband and two young children three years ago. “Don’t sit and wait – it won’t happen. You have to actively search for new friends.” Now fluent in Spanish, she says that when she first moved she would use the few words she knew to ask questions while waiting for her children to finish at school, even when she knew the answers: “At first it was difficult because I really started to miss my friends and adult conversation, but the kids kept me busy and, through them, I made friends.”

Now, via a Facebook group of English-speaking mums and her Spanish conversations at the school gates, she has a solid group of local and expat friends. “The best thing is, you’re older and you don’t judge people,” she says. The worst? “Sometimes people don’t understand your feelings or choices because they don’t know everything. They only have parts of a puzzle.”

Friendships can also come from the most unexpected places. Moving from Eday, a small island in Orkney, with a community of about 140 people, to mainland Orkney, Stephen Walters, 43, and his family went from knowing almost everyone to not knowing anyone socially. His wife, Ronie, started the UK’s most northerly roller derby league, the?Orkney ViQueens. Initially, Stephen joined to train as a referee and was the only man there, but he went on to became a coach despite having little previous experience on skates. Within a year he had an abundance of friends of all ages, he says.

Roller derby’s ethos of inclusion and equality has been a big attraction for him: “I have bipolar disorder and there are a couple of others with similar issues. You can tell when somebody is not quite their usual self and people generally look out for each other, which is really nice.”

Not having been involved much in a sport before, he admits he was concerned it would be difficult at his age, but now urges others to give it a try: Go out and try some activities you’re interested in and talk to people. If it doesn’t work, try another one.

Embarking on friendships as an adult can be terrifying, exciting, rewarding and challenging. Nothing can replace the special connections you have with those who have known you over the years, but taking that leap of faith Jacqueline mentioned can reinvigorate and get the ball rolling. Before rushing off to her afternoon martial arts class, she imparts some simple but effective advice: when it comes to making friends, “Don’t be afraid of being scared. Do it anyway.”

Here are some Adult Friendship Tips

Build your self-confidence

Liking yourself before going off in search of friends is an important step to building healthy relationships. “Think about what you like about yourself. When you’re comfortable with yourself, it shines out of you.”

Find something you feel passionate about

Join a language class if you love languages or volunteer outdoors if you love nature. “That’s where you’ll find friendships.”

Put yourself out there

Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. “It isn’t that you lose if you meet someone and it doesn’t fit for a friendship. That’s not losing, that’s having tried.”

Meet in a neutral place

Once you have taken the first step and are moving on to meeting outside the initial environment where you made a connection, chose a neutral public space. This can lessen the pressures that, say, hosting at home can bring, and give you time to focus on each other.

Ask questions

“If you want to be popular, ask people about themselves and listen sincerely when they answer. A good listener is rare these days. It is the best passport you could possibly have to friendship.”

Don’t expect too much

A common mistake is expecting too much from one person. It is more realistic and healthier to have a variety of friends for different reasons.

Here are some common places to make friends??

One of the best ways to make friends is through shared interests and activities. Here are some ideas to get you started.?

1.Book clubs?

If you enjoy reading, you might find that book club are a great place to make new people. Visit your local library, or check nearby bookstores to see what’s available.?You can also check for options using internet search, social media, or websites like meetup.?

2. Sports leagues

Adult sports activities — particularly those involving teams or clubs — often offer?improved social and physical health.?

Examples of sports you may want to try include:?

• Softball
• Basketball
• Frisbee golf
• Volleyball
• Flag football
• Bowling
• Tennis
• Soccer

Even if you’re not into team sports, small-group options (such as golf) may also bring mental health and social benefits. If you don’t feel particularly fit, there are still sports you might enjoy. You can consider options like pool or bowling.?

Local recreation centers like the YMCA might offer organized events. Look for these and other activities in your area.?

3. Gaming groups

Are you into social games like “Magic the Gathering” or “Dungeons and Dragons?” These can be a great way to make connections. You may be able to find in-person or online groups to play with. Local game stores often offer organized events. Local community centers may also offer other types of games like bingo or card games.?

4. Adult education classes

Many community centers, local colleges or high schools, and local stores offer educational classes. For example, local art leagues often hold craft or painting classes. Camera stores may provide photography classes for beginners.?

Some areas also have adult development courses, such as French cooking or woodworking. You can start by searching online for local organizations that offer classes.?

5. Friendship apps

Some people enjoy using platonic friendship apps to meet new people. This can be a less intimidating way to connect with others. Popular examples include?Bumble BFF?or?Nextdoor. Search online or in your smartphone app store to find more options.?

6. Parenting groups

If you have children, you may connect most with other parents. Many communities offer playgroups where kids and their parents can get to know each other.?

Check with local nonprofits, or search online for parent groups to learn more. And if your kids attend school, volunteer for school activities, join the PTA, and say hello to other parents during pickup times or sport meets.?

7. Senior centers

Older adults are some of the most likely to?struggle with loneliness and social isolation. Some communities offer activities specifically for older adults.?

Search online for senior community groups in your area to learn more. Your local community center or parks and recreation department may also offer activities geared specifically toward you.?

8. Churches or spiritual groups

In many areas, churches and religious halls are the most active community groups around. There are often a variety of religious organizations or spiritual groups to choose from.?

Ask at your own church or spiritual practice center what options might be available. This could include groups like a volunteering squad or a Bible study. You can also search online for local options and consider visiting those that interest you.?

9. Volunteering

Volunteering may be an ideal way to meet people with similar interests and values. You can search online for these or other opportunities in your area:?

• Food banks
• Pet shelters
• Political groups
• Social cause groups
• Litter clean-up crews
• Afterschool centers

If you need additional ideas, enter your location into the website?VolunteerMatch?to see what’s available near you.?

Tips on socializing with other adults

Scientists have studied the social behaviors that help people make friends. Here are some tips?based on research?that may help you find and start up new relationships.?

• Look for friends who are available to interact and spend time with others. Remember that some people may be too busy to invest in a new relationship right now.
• Start by seeking out people like yourself. Those with similar backgrounds and viewpoints tend to get along best.?
• Initiate conversations to get to know people and find out if they would make good friends for you. You might do this by smiling, greeting them, and asking their name.?
• When you’re having a conversation, show interest in the other person. This is just as important in friendships as it is in dating. Ask questions, and follow up on their answers to learn more.
• Gradually share information about yourself as you feel comfortable. People tend to value relationships when they know more about the other person. However, try not to share too much too soon. That might be overwhelming.?
• Remember that not everyone you meet will make a compatible friend. Keep interacting with people until you find those you click with.?

If you struggle with a mental health condition such as social anxiety disorder, consider seeking?professional help. A therapist can help you figure out the cause of your feelings and practice new social skills.?

For more information and to consult with one of our wellness professional. Visit Createbuildoptimizewellness.com.

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