The Loneliest Death

This article is part of LinkedIn's Hard Cases series, where healthcare professionals share their stories working on the frontlines of the Covid-19 pandemic. You can see more articles by following #HardCases.

"Please," she whispered. "I don't want to die alone." Her voice was so weak that it could barely enter the phone, but her words still echo in my heart.

Only three days before, she was my third patient on a busy morning. Her voice was normal then, but not her cough. Neither was her chest x-ray. It took a while to talk her into being admitted.

In the early days of the pandemic, hospital admission meant death. There was no treatment for Covid-19, and the patients who couldn't breath didn't leave.

She knew it. So did I.

Three days later, it was not the fear of death that she was expressing on the phone. It was the pain of leaving her life without goodbyes. The loneliness of a Covid death.

Her husband could not see her. Neither could her son, her priest, or her family doctor. It didn't matter who it was. No visitors were allowed in the ICU.

Her only contacts were faceless strangers, hidden behind masks, gowns, and rubber gloves. They scurried into her room, taking longer to prepare than to stay. Each stranger looked the same, leaving just as soon as their mysterious tasks were done.

In the ICU, there was no skin touching skin. No healing touch or comforting smile. No brushing hair or reassuring handshake. No sitting at the foot of a patient's bed, for just a moment, ignoring the world outside.

Even the nurses rarely entered a patient's room during those fear-filled weeks. After all, nurses were dying more than anyone. There was no protection. Physicians, nurses, and therapists were re-using microwaved face masks. Clothing was discarded and burned. Freezers were re-purposed for corpses and body bags were stockpiled. It was a time of desperation.

Within an hour of our phone call, she was intubated. Her lungs were thick with pneumonia, her muscles tiring and hope fading. It was the only option.

I thought about her as I watched the news that night. The images from Italy were devastating. Desperate physicians with no ventilators were taping fishbowls over patient's heads, forcing oxygen to enter lungs. Anything to save a life. La vita è bella.

No one in the world was prepared for Covid-19. There were no experts to call. No answers, no treatments, no data. This disease was a divider, separating a nation and tearing apart families. With Covid-19 everyone was alone, and no death was ever as lonely as a Covid death.