Lone Echo into the Dark

“I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me.” - Wreck-it-Ralph

There’s a truth that even the strongest among us fear to accept: that the most important battles are always fought alone, away from the world’s view, in quiet solitude where we are our worst enemy. There is no need for empathy, for there are no sadness in this solitary battle because I wanted to challenge the comforting lies of light and friendship with mastery.

For the dark doesn’t lure you with sweet promises of glory. It confronts you with stark emptiness and reality, asking the all-important question, “Just who are you really, when no one is watching?” And the truth is I already know that I am a monster.

During these quiet moments, I encountered a rare few people who, over the years, became close friends. Not because they were stronger than me, but because I was there for them when they fell. They were alone just like me, but with no one to turn to when their situation was dire. It was in these times that the human (or what was left of it) in me reached out a hand to help. It didn’t matter who they were, because they were in pain and the monster in me wouldn't them suffer without dignity.

For quite a long time now, I have privately provided some comfort, support and warmth to a few around me. It could be anyone: a colleague working next to me, a stranger I met on the street, a cook who prepared my meals every day, or even you, reading this article.

In the sci-fi classic Time Enough for Love, the fictional Lazarus Long describes the meaning of "Eros" and "Agape" through his relationship with Dora. Lazarus adopts Dora after her parents die, and when she grows up, she asks him for a child before he leaves her. He marries her instead, realizing he cannot abandon a child and that he can afford to take care of her till old age as it is just a blip in his otherwise long life. Over time, he discovers a deep, true love for Dora, experiencing both Eros and Agape that he never experienced before. When she dies, he was devastated.

“I fell in love with a monster who had a heart, even though darkness surrounded him. And while I wouldn’t wish for anyone to endure the same circumstances or past we did, I was so grateful for becoming the monster’s ultimate obsession.”— V.F. Mason

In a similar way, I feel like Lazarus when I supported my friends who suffer from terminal illnesses. The monster in me refuses to let them die alone, so I offer myself and whatever expertise and skills that I can provide to give them as much comfort and care.

Most of my time was spent listening to their worries and thoughts, providing encouragement, reassurances and calm. Sometimes, the problem-solver in me steps in to tackle their daily challenges during treatments. I take great care restraining my cold nature by being more encouraging and kind, making sure they are nursed back to health during their treatments. I cannot say I am very good at being empathetic, but I avoid causing them to be unhappy as much as I can.

Some friends, like a dear mentor, grew close to me and gave me life lessons but ultimately passed away recently after succumbing to treatment complications.

Another friend, a legendary lawyer and writer, passed on a year ago, and friends celebrated the first anniversary of his departure with stories of their encounters with him when he was alive.

And then there is someone like Dora, whom I supported and provided care since a decade ago, knowing that she was just a brief moment in my life and that giving her the support she needed when she had no family to count on was perhaps the most dignified way to prepare her for the worst that could happen.

She did survived her treatments and over the years, like Lazarus, I experienced both "Eros" and "Agape" from her as we grew close as friends. Though our friendship never blossomed into a full-blown relationship because she didn't want to maybe perhaps for my own good, but she did became a significant emotional part of my life.

Most recently, during a routine check-up, it was discovered that she has a new form of cancer. And over the past few months, I found myself providing encouragement, care and support again as she went through new rounds of treatments. This is where I realized that I still have real feelings for her, and Lazarus's story made me recognize I need to prepare myself emotionally for the inevitable emotional devastation that will come from her departure when it happens.

I take it that this may be the last time that I provide such care and support to anyone, as the loss might take an emotional toll on me if my preparations are not effective and will have to find a way to move on.

As in recent months, many things in life have happened to me, both good and bad. But one thing is certain: for every bad story you hear from me, there are also good ones I have yet to share. But that is because, in the coming storm ahead, I need to be prepared to ride it out.

Somehow life is hinting to me that when one door closes, another one will open. Second chances do appear and with the motions are already set in place and actioned and only time will tell where all these events are leading me to.

Till then, I must hold on to some hope myself while providing hope to others.

Before we say goodbye.