The locket

People who work in glass offices should never get changed at their desks. Glass walls do, however, make it easier to see when a colleague is about to storm in unannounced.

My COO stormed into my glass office this morning (allow me to clarify: only the walls are glass; the floor/ceiling/desk/decor are not made of glass).?

My COO solemnly placed the silver heart locket—we have matching ones—on my desk. I reached over and opened it, revealing the picture of us in happier, more optimised times.

“I’m sorry, Dan, but I’ve had it. I told myself that if you crossed the 11-ick threshold, I’d leave. And I’m afraid that when you said “mission-critical” at our 8:30, the threshold was crossed.”

“I refuse to believe I ick you 11 different ways. Am I using the term correctly? Can it function as a verb?”

“I have no idea, Dan. And before you ask, I’d prefer not to go through the list. You hold on to things, let them calcify.”

“You make me sound like plaque. Look, jokes aside, I’d like to know what could be so bad that you’d give your locket back.”

“Dan. Come on. Don’t do this.”

“Do you remember when we first met? That thing you said to me?”

“Here comes the nostalgia.”

“Do you remember what you said? Because I’ll never forget it.”

“Being optimised starts with being organised.”

“That quote is why I end each day by tidying my desk.”

“Listen, I appreciate the trip down memory lane, but that’s actually one of the icks. I’m all about looking ahead but you spend way too much time looking back.”

“OK, fine, guilty as charged. I can get sentimental about the past sometimes. I like saying "mission-critical". What else? What are the other nine icks?”

“Dan… I’ll say them on the condition that there’s no discussion after. I’m gonna say them, then go.”

“Very well.”

“1. You use X. 2. You call it X. 3. You say “I just X’d” when you post.”

“Hang on, those three feel like variations on the one theme. And surely you don’t expect me to use Threads? What do people say when they post on there? “I just threaded?” That’s equally icky.”

“Which brings us to 4. The pedantry.”?

“Exactitude matters.”

“And 5. You’ll ask a question then interrupt the answer. I’ll continue, if you don’t mind. 6. You touch people’s monitors when you’re pointing things out. Also, you tend to hover. I’ve combined those into one ick. 7. Your desktop is infested with screenshots. 8. You use a full stop whenever you write ‘Thanks’, which makes it feel menacing. 9. You start calls a minute early. 10. You say “hot take” before sharing a take of any temperature. And 11 would be describing pretty much everything as “mission-critical”. So—”

“Don’t forget my sentimentality about the past. That’s 12. And, not to be a stickler, but me holding on to things makes 13.”

“Let’s not end on a petty note.”

“Petty! There’s 14. Maybe we can crack 20!”

“Dan, I’m sorry. But it’s over.”

“Hey... no, I’m the one who’s sorry. For all the icks. And for just then—that was uncalled for. Will you take the locket, at least? Please? I want you to have it.”

I watched through glass as my now-former COO walked away from my office for the last time, the picture of us in the locket staring up at me.