Loaded for Bear: Three Steps to Managing Highly-Charged Emotional Conversations

 Anyone who has a conversation with me that extends beyond five minutes will come to understand that I am, undeniably, an Oklahoma native. I was born and raised in Oklahoma. Heck, I was even in the musical Oklahoma! in high school. One of the dead give-aways of my Okie-ness is the use of colloquialisms unique to the state and region – many of which I was not aware were part of my regular vernacular until I ventured out-of-state. For example, I have been known to throw an “I tell you what!” at the end of my statements for emphasis. When particularly perplexed I have exclaimed “What in the Sam Hill?” – usually when addressing my kids or motorists. One of my favorites, however, is the term “loaded for bear.” A brief explanation illustrates why this turn-of-phrase is so apt. Then, I’ll turn attention to how being “loaded for bear” impedes our ability to have effective emotionally-charged conversations and what you can do about it.

The Etymology of “Loaded for Bear”

While I am not, by any means, a hunter I do understand that different gauges of shot are required when hunting different animals. This should not come as much of a surprise – you don’t need to use the same size bullet to shoot a squirrel that you would use to shoot an elephant. (As a side note: I’m not condoning or endorsing hunting as a pastime. I am simply stating that if you absolutely had to shoot a squirrel, it is best to not use a 16 gauge shotgun if you want any of the squirrel to remain.) Going hunting, then, requires some forethought – what am I hunting for and what is the right gauge of shot to use? So, the phrase “loaded for bear” literally means that you have loaded your weapon with the ammunition you need to take down a bear. As a colloquialism or idiom, it has come to mean anyone who is out to look for a fight or a confrontation. So, for example, if I found out that an individual was making disparaging remarks about my dear home state of Oklahoma, I may come after them loaded for bear. And justifiably so.

The Neuroscience of Emotionally-Charged Conversations

Unfortunately, when it comes to emotionally-charged conversations many of us go out “loaded for bear.” We anticipate that a conversation that is emotionally-charged will, of necessity, be negatively confrontational. Here is a powerful truth about emotionally-charged conversations: if you go out looking for an angry bear to shoot, you will likely find one. In other words, when we engage in a conversation with the expectation that the other person is looking for a fight, the other party will very likely meet those expectations. In Susan Scott’s  Fierce Conversations she writes of the power of our own assumptions in emotionally-charged conversation. Susan notes that confrontation is, in its purest form, an exploration between two individuals to determine a shared truth. What it is not is a fight with a winner and a loser.

The danger of framing confrontation as a battle, particularly for leaders, is well-articulated in the work of Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Boundaries for Leaders. In essence, the challenge of confrontation is in our neurophysiological make-up. People are wired to be wary of threats – snakes, bears, and most definitely other people. When confronted with a threat our internal emergency response system is activated. You have likely heard of the Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. When this occurs, neurologically, the most ancient parts of our brains light up like a Christmas tree and we become very much like the scary animal we are attempting to attack, run away from, or play dead in front of. In this state our pulse quickens, our pupils dilate, and our breathing becomes more rapid. Physiologically, we’re like a coiled spring.

One other interesting thing happens, neurologically, when we enter into a Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for all of our logic, reason, personality, and executive function, goes dark. In this state, an individual is quite literally cognitively incapable of making a good decision – the part of their brain that controls rational thinking has been turned off to make space for the part of the brain that wants to chew your nose off. As an aside, the prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until roughly age 25. So, if you ever wondered why teenagers make such bad decisions … they’re not working with a fully functional brain.I will leave it to you to decide if this is information you choose to share at the dinner table tonight.

Three Steps to Manage Emotionally-Charged Conversation

So, it would seem we are perfectly engineered to poorly manage emotionally-charged conversation. What can we do about it? Here are three steps that will help when you find yourself in an emotionally-charged conversation.

Step 1: Name the Emotion

When you encounter someone “loaded for bear,” your primary objective is to convince them you are not a bear. This requires some neurological manipulation – you need to help the other individual re-engage the logical part of their brains. One of the simplest ways of doing so is by verbalizing the emotion that the individual is displaying, be that sadness, anger, disgust, etc. We’ve long known about the power of putting our feelings into words, come to find out there is a neurological basis for doing so. Once that feeling is verbalized the prefrontal cortex is engaged. So, stating something as simple as “I can see that you are angry” helps engage the part of the brain capable of carrying on a logical conversation.

Step 2: Apologize for the Situation.

Of course, pointing out that someone is angry may engender a response of “You’re darn right I’m angry!” So, on to step 2. Apologies work in diffusing tense situations, though it seems to be an approach that our pride often inhibits. I am not suggesting we apologize for things that are not our fault – that is disingenuous and even someone with a compromised prefrontal cortex can read through it. Instead, apologize that circumstances have led this person with whom you are conversing to the point of such emotional distress. “I’m truly sorry that you are so upset,” stated with authenticity, will go a long way to bringing the emotionally-charged individual back into a frame of mind in which they’re capable of joining you in a problem-solving discussion. Which leads to step 3.

Step 3: Triangulate.

A few months ago I wrote a post on externalizing difficult feedback when behavior change is necessary. The same methodology works wonders when dealing with an emotionally-charged situation. As long as the distressed individual can conceive the situation as “me vs. you” then you will likely not reach a satisfactory end to the conversation. However, if you can introduce a new character into the drama – “the problem” – then you and your potential combatant can join forces against this common enemy. This was a technique I used extensively many years ago as a call center insurance agent on the call escalation line. (A shout-out to my old friends at The Hartford in Oklahoma City …) If an angry policy holder saw me as the enemy I was sunk. However, if I was successfully able to triangulate the situation and join forces with the individual against a common problem (“I can hear that you are angry, Mrs. Jones and I’m so sorry that you are upset. Can I work with you to see what we can do about this premium increase?”), hope of resolution remained. While these three steps cannot guarantee that your emotionally-charged conversant becomes capable of a logical conversation, it does increase your odds.

Whether you lead teams (leading others means occasionally generating strong emotions in those you lead) or simply are required to interact with other human beings from time to time, chances are good that you will run into a highly emotionally-charged conversation. When you do, remember these three simple steps. No one wins when we go out “loaded for bear.” Instead, find ways to engage the best part of the individual to join you in problem solving. Doing so builds relationships and leads to better resolutions.