Living your life in neutral...

Words have so much power.?I often wonder how often the average person stops to think about the words they choose.?Carefully choosing my words is something I learned to do as a child, and likely not for healthy reasons.?

My mom is of the generation very closely tied to the ideology that for a woman to survive, she must be married to a man, and so after her marriage to my Dad dissolved, she immediately…and I mean immediately, remarried.?I know now that she didn’t love her second husband, I don’t think she even liked him very much, but he was there, he was charming (at first) and her pride would not allow her to remain single, especially because my Dad also remarried right away.?This whole story will be a very long chapter in the book I am writing, but suffice it to say, I come from two very impulsive, prideful and at least one bi-polar parent.?I know without a doubt they both loved me and they did the very best they knew how with the tools and capacity they had at the time.?I hold no resentment and see them for the amazing humans they are, just as they are…or were.?My Dad committed suicide when I was 5, so what I know of him is limited, none the less, I don’t doubt his love for me in any way.?Their choices, however, didn’t always pan out to make the “Beaver Cleaver” home situation all kids wish they had.

My Mom’s second husband was a violent, abusive alcoholic.?He was a Master Electrician who had specialized skills for power plants.?This means he could always find work.?He just couldn’t keep it.?He would get a new job, we would move somewhere across the country, he would work for a month or so, then go on a bender and all hell would break loose, he would lose his job, and the cycle would start all over again.?There was violence, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse, kidnapping, abandonment, suicide attempts by my Mom followed by lengthy stays in mental hospitals and more.?One day her husband would be charming and all smiles and then in an instant, after just the right amount of Budweiser and Marlboro Reds, his eyes would change and the rage would begin. By the time I started 4th grade, I had attended 8-9 different schools. I learned to adapt very quickly in life and how to do my very best to avoid causing any issues.

I didn’t realize it at the time, and I’m still learning these lessons even as I write this today, that this roller coaster of fear, emotional instability and lack of psychological safety conditioned me to be very, VERY careful with my words.?Too careful, in fact.?I learned at a very tender age the artful skill of how to appease the irrational, how to swallow my own emotions and live in a steady state of adaptability and neutrality. My emotional state, mirrored by my words and actions were to never get too excited about anything as it will likely go away, never draw too much attention, as attention can turn ugly very quickly, and don't rely on others, because the only person you can ever really count on is yourself, too many adults (and others) showed me they were not going to show up for me.

It's taken me many years to undo a lot of these beliefs, some I still struggle to overcome. I was able, as a teenager to find my safe space, it was music, theater and performing. I thrived on stage. The voice I had kept suppressed for so long was able to come out in music and through song and thrived in this arena.

As I got older, and into my corporate career, however, looking back I can see how those old beliefs and fears crept back in.

As an adult and an Executive, I have often been praised for always being able to “keep my cool”, no matter the situation.?I had the gift of being able to listen attentively, navigate through the often dangerous waters of being the only woman in the room and being able to think quickly and formulate a response to deescalate a situation while not causing too much distraction.?As much as i would I would love to say this is a result of having stellar training as a supreme negotiator, sadly, it’s the result of figuring out how to avoid a raging alcoholic on the war path for whomever got in his way.

What I now know, is that while neutral might sound like a desired state of being, nothing too hot or too cold, in many, if not most cases, it’s one of the unhealthiest places you can be.?Think about it like this, a car in neutral isn’t going anywhere intentionally.?It’s simply going in whatever way the road pitches at that moment in time.?The car just rolls along, no control over it’s speed other than to slow down by hitting the brake when necessary and no way of exercising the engine that was built with explosive power to propel it forward. And depending on the car, you might not even have great control of the steering, so while you’re rolling along, you could roll into some pretty treacherous places…which I have many, many times. You're always on high alert anticipating the next sharp curve or hill where you might in fact start rolling backward. I've also discovered neutral is an easy way of letting shame, fear and conditioning drive my life without me having to take ownership of anything. When you're in neutral, and you simply go along with whatever comes your way, it's so easy to say "it wasn't me, it happened TO me". As children, this is a very real reality, as adults, this is an unhealthy lack of ownership.

If any of that feels familiar to you, you too may have been conditioned to swallow your words, emotions, thoughts and desires to “keep the peace”, and in doing so, lived your life in neutral, too.

I also believe there are times when neutrality is necessary and can serve you…when it’s a conscious choice vs a lifelong habit based on trauma and conditioning.

As Executive Women, many of us continue to stifle our opinions, thoughts, emotions and desires to avoid making waves, being perceived as difficult, bitchy or offending someone else’s sensibilities.?Regardless of what got us here, if we want different outcomes, we must first understand what’s happening, why it's happening and what we can do to change this unhealthy and stifling dynamic.

In an article published in the Spring of 2020, titled, 'When Women Don't Speak ' (exerpts included below), written by Brittany Karford Rogers , a study at Bringham Young University, found that “Women having a seat at the table, does not mean having a voice”.?This study was facilitated by Jessica R Preece , a political science professor, Christopher F. Karpowitz , a nationally recognized expert on group gender dynamics and Olga Stoddard an economics professor who together run a gender think tank, the Gender and Civic Engagement Lab.?

Preece shares, “Women are systematically seen as less authoritative, and their influence is systematically lower.?They’re speaking less.?And when they are speaking up, they’re not being listened to as much and they are being interrupted more.”?This finding applies well beyond study groups.?“Group-level decision making is ubiquitous,” says Karpowitz. It ranges from the highest level, where men and women work together in Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court, on down to juries, town halls, PTAs, and work teams. It applies even on Church ward councils and in families, he stresses. In one realm or another, no one falls outside the scope of this research.

However inadvertent, the gender dynamics shutting women down are real, says Preece. The environment, she emphasizes, doesn’t have to be hostile. “Multiple things can be true at once. You can simultaneously like the people you’re working with and still let biases creep in.”

Additional studies shared in the book, ‘The Silent Sex ’, shares in groups women experience:

1.????Unequal talking time: In groups of five, it took a supermajority (meaning 4 out of 5) for women to speak their proportionate talking time.?Women “hope” to be influential, where men “expect” to be influential.

2.????Routine Interruptions: In groups of 5, with only one of the group being a woman, 70% of the interruptions from men are negative. Examples are, “I don’t think so, “that’s not right”, “I don’t believe that”.?When the group dynamics change and it’s 4 women and one man, the negative interruptions drop to only 20%.

3.????Limited Influence: When each group member was asked who was the most influential in their group, talking time predicted everything.?Those who held the floor the most, won.?Ergo, the same conditions that create disproportionate silence by women also create disproportionate authority by men.

Preece also states the following, “Rather than outright misogyny, she says it’s usually cultural norms and gendered messages that subtly—and profoundly—shape the rules of engagement. Individuals who suppress female speech may do so unwittingly. “They may love women,” says Preece. “They may even be a woman!” But as a society we have been “slowly socialized over years to discount” female expertise and perspectives.”

The problem, in part, could be you. Says Preece: “We have lots of learning and unlearning to do.”

How might you see this in your day to day life, both at work or outside of work??We see women hesitate to make strong affirming statements about personal and professional goals and the reasons behind these goals.?We often anxiously wait to be tapped for something rather that boldly going after it, like a raise or a promotion.?Women are often surprised when receiving a raise or a promotion where typically, men simply expect it to happen.

Women often avoid making statements like, “I’m working to make as much money as I possibly can, because I want to create massive wealth for myself”.?(are you clutching your pearls on that one?) Think about that for a moment.?How many young women have you ever heard in high school or college when talking about their future career make a statement that ties their career choice to making a lot of money??We usually hear, “I want to make an impact on the lives of others”.?Women feel compelled to tie goals to altruistic endeavors vs. money, power and influence. This isn't inherently good or bad, it's just a very clear illustration around the way women are created or conditioned.

Conversely, think about young men who have absolutely no shame or concern stating, “I’m going into Finance because I want to work on Wall Street, make as much money as I possibly can as quickly as I possibly can, get rich, and live the life I want”. (can you hear the thunderous applause he receives for being a “go-getter” and knowing what he wants and why?)

So, what do we do about all this??Here are a few ideas for you…

1.?????Get clear on why you are the way you are, address it and create a plan, take action and move forward.?Do you have trauma that needs healing in order for you to find your voice and bravely step into who you are meant to be??Find a trust partner, a therapist, and a community to support you no matter what.?Let’s be real, we ALL have things we need to overcome and one person’s challenge is another person’s strength, by sharing and letting it out, we strengthen ourselves AND each other. (Hence, the launching of this newsletter, the Executive Woman Podcast and The Executive Woman Experience)

2.????Men, we need and deserve your support.?Men must understand their role in this and become advocates for equal speaking time and deep listening.?I don’t mean fake niceties and an artificial fa?ade of listening and caring, but a genuine desire to listen and understand.?This doesn’t mean we will always agree, but that’s not the point.?The point is to create an equal platform for women to be heard.

3.????Find your voice and use it! Worry less about the reactions of others and more about using your voice, sharing and participating.?If you haven’t read The 4 Agreements , by Don Miguel Ruiz, go out and buy it right now.?Seriously, go get it.?The biggest lesson I learned from that book is, “What others think of me is none of my business”, we are not responsible for the reactions of others...just let that shit go!

4.????Provide and seek spaces filled with support. ?Create lists of positive, affirming statements and/or questions you can use to support yourself and other women, like:

a.????“That’s an interesting point”

b.????“I’m so glad you brought that up, let’s explore it more…” or "I have a different perspective on this and I'd like us to explore this thought/idea/perspective..."

c.?????“I hadn’t thought of that, thank you for bringing that forward” or "I'd like to share something we haven't discussed yet, as we need to be sure we are considering all options/ideas, etc..."

d.????“Sally, I believe you were interrupted, would you like to finish your thought before we move on?” or "Before I was interrupted I was sharing something, I would like to finish that thought"

e.????“Have we heard from everyone in the group?” or "I haven't had a a chance to share my thoughts yet, and would like to do so before we move on"

f.?????“Erica, you always share such an interesting perspective, do you have anything you’d like to add before we wrap up?”

5.????Be aware of stereotyping.?Women are less likely to speak up on topics traditionally seen as more masculine, like finance, sports or industry knowledge in a male dominated industry.?We are making huge strides here, but it is still a very real reality.?We now have women coaching in the NFL, women on Wall Street, etc., but those are often the outliers and not yet the norm.?It’s ok to flex your knowledge and understanding of a topic or industry, regardless of it being traditionally masculine, and for the love of everything on this beautiful planet, please do NOT apologize for sharing your opinion, ideas or desired outcomes!

6.????Leadership makes a huge difference. Signals sent by the leader make a significant impact on the entire group.?When a leader diminishes a voice, it signals the group that this is acceptable and possibly even encouraged.?Don’t be that leader!

7.????Be the Mentor you wish you had.?Find opportunities to encourage the next generation of young women to speak up, confirm their voices and set expectations that their voices, ideas and work matter and they need to be heard, both in their personal and professional lives.

8.????Don’t try to “out excellent” others.?These challenges cannot be overcome simply by being better, more educated or doing more, if that were the case, more Black and Brown women would be CEO’s, high ranking Politicians, etc.?Data shows us in recent years, more Black and Brown women are graduating with higher degrees and higher GPA’s than any other men or women, and yet, they are still significantly under represented in positions of power and influence, and certainly in financial rewards.?

The above tips can really help create an environment of safety and clear expectations and better outcomes, both personally and professionally and number 8 REALLY resonates with me. I remember reading Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg ?for the first time and I was so energized and thought, "YES!?This is it, this will help me be seen and heard and valued for the badass I know I am".?But, all it really did was leave me exhausted, frustrated, angry and questioning myself even more than I already did. I'm not sure women have the capacity to "lean in" any more than we already are or have since the dawn of time.

From pundits in politics, the business world, and the media, “the solution so often has been, ‘You’ve got to fix the women,’ or, ‘Well, women have just got to lean in,’ says Stoddard. But the experiences women have when they lean in can be very different than a man’s in the same position.

“Advice that works for men doesn’t always work for women, because people react differently,” adds Preece—and this is well supported in the literature. Behavior that seems strong and decisive when it comes from a man, she says, may be interpreted as abrasive and aggressive from a woman. There’s even a term coined for it—the?double bind .

Essentially, the double-bind impacts women on both masculine and feminine fronts, as it diminishes our credibility when we exhibit traditional female characteristics like, warmth, nurturing, caring and responsiveness while at the same time demonizing us when we exhibit more masculine characteristics like, speaking up, disagreeing freely, being assertive and challenging traditional beliefs. What the actual ______ ?(you fill in that blank). A perfect example of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So, to all of the amazing, brilliant, strong Executive Women reading this, I offer you this in closing.?

Know it’s not YOU who is broken, it’s the SYSTEM that is broken.?From the time we are little girls we are taught to “be nice” and to “get along”.?We are taught and conditioned to believe that when a little boy or teenage boy is picking on you, even hitting you or shoving you, it’s because “he likes you” and he "just doesn’t know how to express his feelings" and so we are taught to believe we can't set boundaries.?We learn to navigate our world through the lens of lived trauma and diminished credibility which often leads us to accept a path of least resistance, and there is NO SHAME in walking this path if it's a conscious choice and that path is truly serving you.?In my case, I have come to realize and accept that the path of least resistance is not the path that serves me and that living in neutral is simply no longer an option for me to be my best self.?

Does this mean I go around looking for a fight every day??No, thankfully it does not. It means I have to continue to go deeper into what I truly want out of this life and how I show up to achieve those goals.?It means, letting go of old beliefs and fears as I share my truths, no matter how scary they might be…and trust me, some of them are scary (for me anyway).?It means I shift my gaze away from the reactions of others and on to my feelings, desires, words and actions.?At the same time, it means sharing what I have learned and continue to learn, believing I can impact and make a difference so that we all collectively rise together. It also means being paid for the work I do and encouraging all women to seek whatever monetary rewards you wish without being embarrassed or ashamed for seeking wealth and a prosperous life.

The collective power of women is one of the strongest forces of nature on this planet and the more we do for each other, the more we are doing for ourselves. It's time to take that next bold step for YOU! It's time to enlist the support of others, including the men in your lives and having difficult conversations, because that's what it takes to make the changes we need and deserve...and YES!!! YOU DESERVE IT!

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