Chasing A Dream

My life changed in 2010.

My husband and I have been together since I was 17 years old. We married the weekend after my freshman year of college. I lived with my grandparents growing up, moved to a dorm room with a friend, then moved into married student housing. I had never had the opportunity to live alone.

My husband has been my rock most of my life. It was in 2010 when he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He was one of the lucky ones, he survived. It changed the way we viewed everything.

We realized we are all one diagnosis away from not living the lives we think we are going to live.

We had dreamed of moving to Colorado since the 90’s. Living in the plains of Oklahoma, visiting the Rocky Mountains of Colorado was our first choice for vacations. However, we never wanted to uproot our daughters to chase a dream. Stability was more important at the time as well as being near family.

But in 2010 we realized there could be a time limit on dreams. It was time to start planning to go, or let the dream fade.

We had to check into so many things.

Could my husband retire from his career in education?

How marketable would I be in the financial services industry not knowing anyone in a new state?

Could we make up for the increased cost of living?

It was terrifying to think about pulling up our roots, after all, my husband had spent his entire life in Oklahoma and I had moved there when I was 3 years old. It’s all we ever knew.

Yet, the thought of moving was exhilarating at the same time because were planning for the adventure of our lifetime.

By 2014 we had a plan in place. My husband would retire in the spring of 2015 and we’d move that summer somewhere between Boulder and Fort Collins along the front range of the Rockies. I just had to find a job first.

Then we could live off my salary and his retirement. We made the commitment to sell our house and live like college kids again. Getting married so young we knew how to tighten our belts and live off of barely anything.

In September of 2014 (8 months before we wanted to move) I got a little antsy and decided to send out a flurry of resumes not really knowing what to expect. I knew it was early, but I wanted to test the waters. After all, what were the odds of me finding something right away that would meet my salary requirements.

My husband and I had scheduled a trip to Colorado in October for our Fall Break so we could look around and see what might be available for work and housing. I still remember pulling into Boulder, CO looking for a gas station. As soon as we found one, my husband got out to pump the gas while I checked emails on my phone. I just about fell out of the car when I saw an email from a credit union there in Boulder! They were requesting an interview.

I yelled out the window to my husband, “OH MY GOSH, I got an interview!”

The next morning, we drove to a softball park and I did a phone interview for about an hour and a half pacing back and forth the entire time. At the end of the call I was offered the job. That has never happened to me before nor since then.

I asked for time to think. The job was exactly what I wanted but they needed someone immediately and there was no way we could make that work. After a week of negotiations, I agreed to start work in January of 2015. Six months before my husband could join me.

The excitement and terror set in simultaneously. I would have to live alone in a state where I knew no one for 6 months before my husband could join me. What was I thinking?

Well, I was thinking it’s time to stop playing it safe and chase our dream of living in Colorado. We can do this! I can do this.

It came as a big surprise to many of our friends and family, but everyone was supportive. It also forced my husband to announce his retirement way earlier than he had wanted to. After all, you can’t just pretend nothing is happening when your wife moves to Colorado without you. People would talk. So we shared the news with everyone.

Christmas of that year our family spent it together in a rental cabin in Colorado. A tradition we had for years, only that year I stayed while my husband and daughters traveled back home.

I was filled with excitement for the adventure, but I was also scared out of my mind to live alone something I had never done getting married at 19. The first weekend without my family around was okay because I had so much unpacking to do and my mind was occupied with that; however, didn’t sleep well at first, because I heard EVERY little noise. Eventually, exhaustion set in and I finally got some sleep never leaving the apartment.

Starting a new job in a new state was exhilarating. I remember waking early and getting dressed in no time. I had my GPS set and knew about how long it would take for my commute. The morning flew by fast and everything worked the way it was supposed to. By afternoon, I was getting a little overwhelmed with all the newness. I met a ton of new people, I had a new office, new commute, new address, new utilities, new mountain view. At the end of the work day I started my commute home.

It took me about 35 minutes and I talked to my husband through the car speakers the whole drive. I was tired but still excited. As I pulled into the apartment complex and told my husband good-bye, a realization hit, and it hit HARD. Having never lived alone in my life I had to enter an empty dark apartment on my own. I sat in my car a second and stared at the door as fear started consuming me. What if someone saw that I was living alone? What if they had entered my apartment somehow and I didn’t know it. Would my neighbors hear if I screamed? Were my neighbors even home? Who were my neighbors? What if the strange person who had snuck into my apartment had a knife or worse a gun? How would I defend myself?

I could feel my heart starting to pound in my chest.

I remembered I had a pistol in my glove compartment box for protection. I had practiced shooting back home, but hoped I’d never, ever have to fire the gun for real. I slid the gun into my purse now starting to tremble as I stared at the front door.

Slowly I got out of my car, and had my keys in hand. It was getting darker so that made me even more scared. I shakily inserted the key then turned it. I slowly turned the door knob so the door now stood wide open. I stared into the darkness.

I didn’t want to go in.

I was frozen.

I listened for any sounds.

Nothing.

After what seemed like an eternity I finally stepped one foot inside. I left the door wide open so I could run out if I had to. I put my purse and work bag on the ground and pulled out my pistol keeping my eyes wide open looking around the living room.

I had watched a million cop shows and tried to copy what I’d seen them do. I held my gun out in front of me with both hands and pointed it everywhere I was looking.

Room by room,

light by light,

closet by closet.

I could still feel my body trembling and desperately tried to keep my breathing quiet. When I walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light the shower curtain being closed made me want to retreat back outside.

If there were an ax murderer in the apartment, that’s where he’d be. I felt certain of it.

I held my breath and took one hand off my gun so I could throw the curtain back. No ax murderer.

The last room to go through was my bedroom. No ax murderer.

I through open my closet door, no ax murderer.

The final hiding place would be under my bed. I slowly lowered myself, keeping far enough away that he couldn’t grab my ankles. No ax murderer.

I exhaled a heavy sigh of relief.

Realizing I had left the door open this entire time, I started to head back to the living room to close it. Just then I saw a neighbor pass by going up stairs. I put my gun down and said, “Hi. Ummm I’m your new neighbor” just loud enough so she could hear. She turned to see me standing there, all pale in the face still shaking. She asked if I was okay.

I smiled and said, “I am now.”

And I was.

I am.

We are.

And looking back I wouldn't change a thing.

Our life in Colorado has been a dream come true. I'll tell you more about the journey another time.