Living with health anxiety

Mental wellness can never be taken for granted, with the recipe for a mental health disaster having too many daily-life ingredients to count. From bullying, to social media, to grief, to existential crises, there are a million and one things that can cause someone’s mental wellness to wave bye-bye down the drain.

Every individual is moulded by their own experiences and each person has their tailored struggles that weave their way through the mind. For me, anxiety is a fraction of the emotions that I feel, yet can be totally all-consuming – I thought it important to share my story in hope of one less person feeling alone…

I can’t put my finger on exactly when I realised that I had health anxiety, but all I can tell you is that it comes with a shed load of embarrassment and is a subject that I usually only feel comfortable talking to people I trust about.

When I got diagnosed with health anxiety and panic disorder, it was almost a sigh of relief to know that there actually?was?something wrong – I wasn’t just going crazy. That being said, I’m not the type of person to let it take over my life or define me, and there’s not many people that know about my struggles.

I was always worried that people would view me differently if they knew, but then I realised that all the people that know me without knowing about my anxiety wouldn’t be seeing a different person, just another part to the Kirsty they already know.

I think this is why, more often than not, I don’t get taken seriously when I tell people that I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, or I’m scared. People who don’t know about my battles find it hard to believe, but the few that have seen it in full swing can vouch for how much of a reality it is.

“Oh so you’re a hypochondriac?”

Hearing others say things like this isn’t helpful at all and people need to be made aware of what they’re saying. Being called a hypochondriac has always had bad connotations for me, and almost makes me feel guilty for being mentally ill. The hypochondriac label is the classic ‘girl who cried wolf’ scenario, it’s where you get belittled and ridiculed and dismissed.

“YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE”

So, what does health anxiety entail? Your average Joe would be going about his day and then maybe they’d feel a little fatigued and start to feel a little sick because they’ve not eaten yet. Logical explanation of why you feel a bit run down and sick – you’re hungry.

Take?my?thought process. I feel tired and sick which my brain intensifies past the point of being just a?little?tired and sick, and then I’m subconsciously making myself feel worse. I begin questioning and over-analysing the feeling. Why am I feeling like this? Did I eat something funny? Is this the first sign of a stroke? My heart is now having palpitations – I know that’s not normal. Maybe I’m about to have a heart attack?

Once these thoughts get triggered, it’s almost impossible to stop them. Anxiety will consume me in that moment, and I become hyper-aware of every single sensation in my body, which only makes them more prominent.

I over-analyse everything, and of course I need answers, so Google becomes my best friend. The Internet takes me on a self-diagnosis spiral to an illness I most likely don’t have; but in that present time, it feels very real to the point of convincing yourself that you might not make it out alive (it does genuinely sound ridiculous when you say it out loud, but your brain is a powerful thing).

In the first lockdown, I began having panic attacks daily, sometimes twice. I would sit and cry and gasp for air whilst clutching my throat as it felt like it was closing up, my arms and legs would go numb through sheer panic and my hands would start tingling. Thinking back to that time isn’t enjoyable at all.

This is the reality of having health anxiety; in a matter of seconds your brain can latch onto every twitch, pain and jolt in your body, soon making it difficult to differentiate between the symptoms of a genuine illness to the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Hundreds of thousands of people are dealing with some form of anxiety, some of which understandably sprouted during the recent pandemic. It’s so easy to look at someone and think that their life is perfect and that they have no problems; I think I do a good job at hiding my issues from the majority of people.

But everyone is struggling in one way or another. Be kind. Be considerate. Ask if someone’s okay and mean it. Reach out to a friend that you haven’t heard from in a while.

Believe me, these little gestures seem like nothing, but they really do make a difference. Showing that you care and that someone is there can help more than you know.

More importantly, if you’re finding it hard yourself, then don’t be afraid to seek help. I’ve had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and yes, it’s hard to start this journey, however everything does end up seeming a little more promising with time.

Make good decisions and look after yourself as a priority.