Living & Dying well: Spending joyfully

My wife and I had the honour to attend a funeral for someone from our church named James Bowick. It was someone who I knew decently well through volunteering on a board together. He had also written a couple books – one of which I read and was moved very deeply by (https://www.amazon.ca/Chelsea-Game-James-Eldon-Bowick/dp/1533308586). His death is one of many that we (my wife and I) have encountered in the last couple months but being there, in the funeral, and listening to stories of love, laughter, and on reflecting on a life well lived – I was unusually touched.

We all know the usual stories – no one on their deathbed wishes they had made more money, or worked more, and all that usual stuff. But I want to talk about one particular moment that moved me specifically for many reasons.

Our pastor shared the story of James having 2 beautiful girls and as they became teenagers – he as a dad expressed to her, he never knew how much money you could spend at Shoppers Drug Mart on makeup and other accessories. She said he wasn’t even upset. He said it joyfully with a big smile on his face – excited to be pulled into their world.

There were one or two other moments like this – memories shared of money or time spent that might annoy/aggravate the best of us that he seemed to participate in joyfully and excitedly.

I was moved deeply. I remember moments as a child – where things like class picture day came about, or activities where parents can pay extra to capture a memento of the day or experience – and my parents said “no”.

My parents as I was growing up were firmly lower-middle income. We weren’t starving or missing meals, but my parents were exceptionally money conscious. I credit them with the money skills I had from a young age because money was talked about openly – it had to be. Along with that was often the conversation about “not spending money on ______ because it’s too expensive and it would be cheaper to do it on our own”.

But I also remember occasionally wondering (perhaps irrationally so) as a child wondering why other kids’ parents were excited to buy the “extra” pictures and put them up at home. Or why my parents didn’t like spending this money on me. I wouldn’t say that I directly correlated money with affection or money with love – but there were moments of disappointment in my life where those feelings (perhaps mixed with envy of the other kids) played a role.

I also now embody many of the same traits of my parents. I’m money conscious – my wife and I do compare the value of what we spend money on and are conscious about what money we allocate to various activities, events, etc.

I now contrast that to the stories at the funeral. Of a father & husband spending joyfully. Excited to be pulled into the world of his family. Excited to be included in their adventures.

And I wonder – what subtle messages am I sending my kids?

If I wince when I pull out my credit card – am I showing them that the pain of spending is a bigger burden than the joy of sitting with them at a restaurant?

If I decline the extra photos on picture day (and then do nothing to fill those frames at home) – am I sending the message that capturing those moments?has little value to me?

Even more so – I think about the make-up story and I wonder – what if I got a little more interested? What if I asked a few questions? What if I asked why this is important to them, what makes this important?

What relationship could I be building and what stories could they be sharing back?

Hearing those stories reminded me to ask myself. Am I spending joyfully? Am I pausing to capture the excitement and wonder of being a part of my wife and children’s’ world?

Or will I be too tired, burdened, and budget-tight and so focused on the wrong things that I let it all pass by?

So when those moments come up. Hearing about a man who had an ear-to-ear smile talking about buying his daughters’ makeup reminds me – I too can be joyful. ?

I can be joyful being involved in the mundanity of my children’s’ life.

I can marvel at the wonder of the field trip I spent money on and be excited to hear about what my son or daughter learned.

I can be thankful when I get to go shopping with them.

On the flip side:

This isn’t about saying we need to say yes to everything. It’s impractical.

It’s not about caving to the pressures of other people.

It’s about recognizing that we CAN’T say yes to everything (time or money). It will burn us out, and stretch us thin, and maybe we just scrape by or push that last bit of energy out of us – but we don’t love that moment. We can’t. It’s impossible. There isn’t an infinite amount of time, money, or energy and if we want to give some in one area – we must take from another.

Now when I think about what I’m saying yes & no to - I hope I remember a man who was able to joyfully, with a big smile, say yes to the mundane things in life and remember the experiences and people I am intentionally living for.

Cheers to James Bowick - ?a man who showed many of us how to live well and how to die well.