Living with Depression and Anxiety

As I wave goodbye to 2022 and prepare to say Hello to 2023, I do so with hope, strength, self-belief, positivity and levels of self-esteem I never thought possible after the past few years. A complete contrast to 12 months ago.

For those that don't know, in 2021 I was diagnosed with having clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. To hear that diagnosis was scary, very scary. It generated so many questions and intensified my anxiety, due to my own lack of understanding when it came to mental illnesses. Oddly I also felt relief of such magnitude, it's hard to describe. Finally, someone had listened. Someone had understood. Someone helped lift that overbearing weight off my shoulders and I literally broke down, in the house, on my own, feeling the happiest and freest I had a long time.

One thing you soon learn is that depression is the most inclusive club in the world. Its biggest trick is convincing everyone that they are the only member.

Having someone acknowledge that what I was fighting on a daily basis wasn't trivial, wasn't irrelevant, wasn't something I imagined, wasn't me just going mad and wasn't something that I could just snap out of, proved a major turning point for me. It gave me hope and belief that, with the right support in place, it could be tackled and a positive future was within reaching distance.

Despite this initial positive feeling, it wasn't long before I was questioning myself and started to suffer from intense guilt and imposter syndrome. What right did I have to feel depressed? I had a job, a roof over my head and two amazing children whilst there are others who find themselves in far worse and challenging positions. Battling guilt while seeking validation continues to this day, and will do so for some considerable time.

So how did I end up here?

Rewind a few years and when people asked me how I was doing, my response was "I'm Fine", but for me, that wasn't the honest answer because for me it was a way of deflecting the question, a reflex that became an automatic response. Deflecting people from what's really going on with me was something I did day in and day out, and got very good at. When you get that good at convincing others that you're OK, most just presume you are and don't ask any furtherquestions.

My ultimate low came 16 months ago with a feeling of, put simply, constantly being overwhelmed. It got to the point where I was trying to remember what feeling happy felt like. This constant negative feeling had slowly crept into my life almost unnoticed. One day at a time. From having the odd bad day, to eventually realising that I was only having the odd good day yet no one had a clue as I refused to let the mask slip.

On a late evening in September 2021 whilst out driving, which I used to do in order to break up the monotony of working and living 24 hours a day within the same four walls, I had a fleeting thought that scared the living daylights out of me. This split second thought made me realise there and then I had to do something about how I was feeling, and needed to do it quickly.

Reaching out was never going to be easy. I'd tried before, both indirectly and directly, but my voice wasn't being heard. I'm also a bloke, and we don't talk at the best of times, especially when it comes to our own emotions. Failing to be heard the first time, made me question myself and I slumped back to feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness but this time was different. I absolutely needed to do something and needed to find someone to listen. I reached out to "strangers" rather than friends or family, and reading up on Mind whilst making contact with Talking Together Wirral amongst other support groups and online forums, were what helped kickstart my recovery journey.

Mental illness does not discriminate. By lending an ear, extending a hand, and by using your voice to be a voice for people who may not feel like they have one, our efforts could make all the difference for someone in need.

In December 2021 I felt comfortable enough to let a very small number of peers and managers in on what seemed like my dirty secret of having a Black Dog. It took 6 hours to write that email, and the minute I hit send, I closed my laptop wanting to run away and hide due to the shame of what I was admitting to. As it happens, the support and reassurance I immediately got from Mike Shakesheave (who was in Vegas at the time), advice from Tom Gilbert , and my colleagues was fantastic and soon I realised I had nothing to be worried about.

When I opened up a little more, to say it took people by surprise is a complete understatement. I was always the "happy one" in the office, thanks to the mask and years of fine tuning my deflection tactics. In reality I was too ashamed to admit defeat, worried of how I'd be judged or how it compromised me as a "man" and it held me back from being honest to myself for far too long. Hiding from reality was like putting a plaster over a broken leg.

In January 2022 I started counselling and also became a Mental Health First Aider with MHFA England? having been trained by the fantastic Ryan Ridgway . The course not only educated me on how to help others, but at times was almost like therapy itself. It answered some of the question I had from my own experience and gave me me some tools which proved useful.

As a result of taking those first steps myself, I'm beginning to remember what happy feels like and I'm on an upward trajectory which I know will continue throughout 2023. Seeing others be open and honest such as Ben Ogden and the fantastic support I've received from friends, family, organisations including Anxiety UK and JourneyMEN CIC , really has given me belief that if not now, very soon, I'll have taken back control of my life.

Then theres my employer, Barclays . A company who really push individuals to consider their own wellbeing as well as others, and granting managers the flexibility in order to ensure the health of individuals comes first. Thankfully they don't just talk the talk, but actually act and encourage transparency in the workplace. Time off, emotional support, guidance and signposting as well as networking groups available to all staff have been nothing short of essential.

I have a fantastic team who have picked up when I've needed downtime, and a Leadership Team who openly talk of their own battles. This in itself makes you realise no matter what your age, role in a work place, sex, or race, mental health doesn't discriminate and has no boundaries, yet it doesn't have to hinder your ability to achieve big things - such an important messages especially to the younger generations.

There continues to be good and bad days, but knowing what triggers my anxiety and putting an end to those situations or avoiding them wherever possible continues to help. Having friends who listened, refused to judge, and believed whilst also making use of support groups has really changed my life, although may not be apparent. I am also on medication and no longer feel ashamed, embarrassed or scared to admit to. Screw the stigma! It's no different to being on medication for anything else!

To anyone, especially men, don't put off asking for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Put yourself first and speak to someone who will listen. It will be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things you will ever do in your life.

Get Help

• Hub of Hope
• Anxiety UK
• JourneyMen
• Talking Together
• Young Minds
• Action For Happiness
• Depression and low mood: A guide for partners
• I had a Black Dog, his name was depression

Phone Apps

• Move Mood
• Clear Fear
• Calm Harm
• Combined Minds
• Worth Warrior

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