Living in the Darkness The Pastor and The Cop

By Robert Bauer

 Today I read two letters from two different widows. Each of their husbands were successful at completing their suicide. 

The Cop

One of the widows was married to a law enforcement officer that had served his community for over thirty years. He was well liked, and no one knew he was battling any demons. He and his wife lived in the darkness of PTSD. The shame and guilt of his emotional breakdowns were to much to share with anyone outside the family home. Three months after he retired, he ended his life. He lost his community, and his refuge when he retired and had nowhere to hide anymore. No one ever asked him how he was doing. No one ever wondered why he had distanced himself in the coming days of his retirement. Everyone just assumed he was okay. Everyone but his wife.

A few days after he retired, he had a breakdown. The demons had caught up to him and his soul was exhausted, he did not have the energy nor desire to fight. He was isolated and felt all along. He ended his pain.

The Pastor

The other widow was married to a thirty year old Pastor of a growing church. Prior to his death he had endured a great deal of anxiety as he watched his father battle a medical emergency. He watched his father, who was the Senior Pastor become debilitated from a rare and deadly form of cancer. This young Pastor, the father of four youngsters put his faith and energy in getting his father whole and back on the road. But the long and arduous battle took his father's life and took its toll on the emotional state of the young Pastor.  Depression and anxiety set in. He was now responsible for the large and growing church and a young family. He was going to have to deal with all the issues that go with running a church. His wife was supportive, yet by her own admission she did not understand what he was dealing with. She tells us in her letter, that her and her husband adopted the slogan “God's got this.” Whenever a bought of depression or anxiety stepped in, she fell back on the slogan.  Her husband said there needed to be more.

His church leadership allowed him a four month sabbatical to get his spiritual life in check. A few days after coming back to work and holding his first Sunday service back, he ended his life as well. Leaving his wife with so many unanswered questions and a broken heart.

The common thread that seems to have run amongst each of these families was that each of these men lived a life that was hidden from everyone outside their family circle. They each wore a mask that hid their pain. They isolated themselves from the outside world. They suffered in silence.

Each man was a community servant; someone whom was expected to run to others peoples problems. They were trained to be focused and be ready to carry the load of those with broken hearts. But what others did not understand, your one day of problems was their everyday. The load eventually became to heavy and their souls were exhausted. They were like the strong swimmer caught in a riptide. They did not plan to be overtaken by the current, but when they realized it, they tried to get out of it and when they did, they found themselves deeper in the problem. No one close to them really knew what these two men were battling.  Their souls became exhausted and eventually just gave up.

But the one question that always seems to come up, “why didn't they ask for help?” Each day is a challenge for many of us. When we are down emotionally and spiritually, we would hope someone would notice. Its an ego thing for men. They don’t want to seem weak or needy. The same applies for women. They are the protector of the pride and they do not want to appear weak either. We want someone we can trust to open up to. If you show us you care, then we might open up. But by getting up everyday and going out into the world they were battling their demons and wanting someone to engage with. But people are just too busy to even notice

I remember there was an old guy that use to sit out in front of my house. I usually just run past him and offer a simple salutation of “Hi Jack.”  But this Saturday morning a friend of mine actually asked Jack how he was doing, as I was sprinting to my car. But this time Jack actually told us that he was hurting because he hadn't eaten in a couple of days. His response stopped me in my tracks. I turned around and headed back to my house to make Jack a couple of sandwiches and give him a drink. I brought it out him and sat there and actually talked with him. I learned a lesson that day. I learned to take the time to ask the right questions and to sit and listen.

What is happening in our community?

Max Lucado, an renowned author of many books and a Pastor of a large California Church tells us that we are dealing with two issues in our culture.

1. There is a sense of despair amongst the people in our communities. People are being placed in situations where they seem to be facing challenge after challenge, issue after issue, ensuring emotional exhaustion generally asking “when is this all going to end?” 
2. Then statistics show us the the suicide rate has increased twenty four percent since 1999. In any other medical area of concern that would be considered an epidemic.

 People are looking for hope, in fact they are looking for radical hope.

 Ed Stetzer wrote an article for The Exchange where he addressed this very issue. There are people from all walks of life from around the world that deal with mental illness differently. For some it plays itself out where it is manageable But there are others who struggle. We see that with the Pastor and the Cop.

People are looking for a genuine community to be part of. One where they can find a place to be part of the socialization and thereby building trust. From cradle to grave we are all looking to belong to something and someone.

As Stetzer points out many have turned to the church for their community. They are looking for the fulfillment of the promises of compassion, radical hope and forgiveness. Yet our churches have become growing enterprises that tend to be to busy and overlook those that are in despair. Because of this people tend to disappear from our spiritual communities because their needs are not being met. People are too busy to get engaged with anyone seriously. When someone slips away, people tend to think they are going somewhere else or they have become to busy to engage. I remember when I started to slip away from all socialization. My children's mother would tell people that I was tired or that I had to work. No one followed up on me to see what was going on. They were to busy.

Solutions to reach out

The solution here should be that we get engaged. We need to take the time out of our busy schedule to see what is going on in our family and friends lives. When we see people, ask good questions and take the time to listen. And I mean listen. Generally, we are known to listen with the intent to answer. Have you ever had someone interrupt you when talking? That is because they are listening with the intent to answer. People that do that usually filter out what they don’t want to hear and shape their responses to what they want to hear.

When we engage with people we need to be present. That means just be there. Sometimes it does not require you to say a word, but your presence is all that is wanted. I remember when my dad was dying of cancer. As he laid in his bed in his home, he could no longer talk. But I would sit on his bed and just be there. My dad was my hero. He was a highly decorated combat US Marine. He was my tough guy. But now he was dying and there was nothing I could do but just be there. Often times people who are in crisis just want someone there as they go through the process.

Don’t be too busy to respond to someone's crisis and needs. People will only come to you for help if they trust you. They trust you because you have been there in the good times and they know you. But if your too busy, chances are they will not reach out, neither will their family.

But we also need to educate each other about PTSD, depression, anxiety, shame and guilt. The more we know the better we are. Building communities with knowledge is a powerful step.

Be part of the campaign to deliver radical hope. Don’t give them ultimatums and don't try to shame them. You will lose on each count But if you give them hope, offering reasons to keep going. Offer to be their with them. While ensuring you as a caregiver are being taken care of also.

About the Author;

 Robert Bauer is a retired law enforcement officer. Upon his retirement he felt a heart calling to reach out to the men and women that are wearing and have worn the uniform of their country and communities who are battling an enemy they were not trained to battle.

He is the Founder and CEO of a Christ centered organization; Warriors Heart USA that serves the Washington DC metro area that acts as a spiritual compass for those navigating through the minefields of traumatic stress, shame and guilt.

An author, speaker and personal coach who has shaped his life's experiences into a strategy that helps others be champions of their destinies.

He is available to speak at your church or organization.

"A man’s soul is worth fighting for."