Living in a Country Where Girls Are Unwanted: A Journey Complex Gender Norms

Montenegro, a country steeped in tradition, can be a challenging place for women, especially in the deeply patriarchal regions. For centuries, Montenegro has been a society where the value of women has often been tied to their ability to produce male heirs, and this legacy continues to affect the mental health and well-being of women today.

The Harsh Reality of Womanhood in Montenegro

As far back as 1880, a New York Times correspondent noted the immense burden placed on Montenegrin women, who labored equally alongside men in the fields and shouldered the heavy loads of daily life. Dutch travel writer Henri van der Mandere echoed these sentiments, describing Montenegrin women as lacking any rights, existing only to serve men, first their fathers and later their husbands. For these women, life was a cycle of obedience, labor, and invisibility, their worth measured by the number of sons they bore.

Women’s happiness in Montenegro was largely determined by the whims of fate. A woman who gave birth to many sons was respected, while those who bore only daughters faced diminished status and a life of hardship, akin to those with no children at all. The pressure to produce a male heir was immense, as it was seen as the only way to ensure the continuation of the husband's family lineage.

Sworn Virgins: A Unique Escape from Gender Constraints

During a recent exploration of my ancestry in Northern Montenegro, I uncovered a fascinating yet tragic tradition that persists in remote villages. If the head of a household died without a male heir, one of his daughters could choose to live as a man, becoming what is known as a "sworn virgin." By taking a vow of celibacy and adopting male dress and behavior, she gained certain "privileges" such as the right to socialize with men and carry weapons. However, these freedoms came at the cost of her own personal life and identity. She was required to abandon traditional female roles and dedicate her life to supporting her family.

This practice, while offering a form of escape from the strictures of female life, also highlighted the extent of the gender inequalities that persisted in Montenegrin society. It was the only way a woman could inherit wealth, further emphasizing how limited her options were.

The Changing Role of Women Post-World War II

After World War II, the position of women in Montenegro began to shift. Women gained more independence, with opportunities for education, employment, and participation in social and political life. However, even today, Montenegro remains a blend of the old and the new. Middle-aged women often juggle careers with traditional responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, and caring for children and aging parents. The expectation to be a "good woman"—virtuous, hardworking, and a dedicated daughter-in-law who bears at least one son—continues to weigh heavily on Montenegrin women.

The intense pressure to conform to societal expectations has significant implications for women's mental health. They must guard their reputations closely, as the small size of the country means that rumors spread quickly. A "loose" reputation in youth can lead to diminished prospects for marriage, adding another layer of stress to their lives.

The Dark Reality of Selective Abortion

This pressure to produce male heirs has led to the troubling practice of female selective abortion in Montenegro. Couples, driven by tradition and societal pressure, often choose to terminate pregnancies if the unborn child is female. This practice, long an open secret, was brought into the spotlight by the Women’s Rights Center in 2018 through their "Unwanted" campaign.

As someone who grew up in Montenegro, I have often wondered about my own place in this narrative. My mother had two abortions before having me, and I can't help but speculate whether the reason was her inability to conceive a son. The question of whether I was born only because my parents hoped I would be a boy has haunted me.

In Northern Montenegro, there is a belief that unfaithful men are "cursed" with only daughters. My father, who had four daughters and was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother, might have been a victim of this superstition—or perhaps it was just a cruel coincidence.

The Lasting Impact of Tradition

Ironically, despite my reflections on the deep-seated gender expectations in Montenegro, my first child happened to be a boy. It's a strange twist of fate that, after all my concerns about tradition and the pressure to have a son, I became a mother to one. While I'm overjoyed, it also serves as a poignant reminder of how these cultural expectations continue to shape our lives in ways we might not even realize. The weight of tradition lingers, even as we try to move forward.

Join TAR Anon? and Begin Your Healing Journey from Toxic Relationships!

TAR Anon? is a global fellowship and a program of the TAR Network, a 501(c)(3) charity, dedicated to supporting STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships). Whether you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, trauma, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), TAR Anon? offers a safe and supportive community for your healing journey. Join our meetings every Monday and Wednesday at 6 PM EDT on www.taranon.org.

At TAR Network, our goal is to help survivors like you find awareness, transformation, and self-love. Our international programs are designed to educate, empower, and energize you as you reclaim your sense of self-worth, rebuild your life, and emerge stronger than ever. Break the chains of transgenerational trauma and begin your journey today. Visit us at TAR Network and step into a brighter, healthier future.