Living with the "Cinderella Complex"

"You are always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company."

When I was a little girl, I vividly remember sitting in-between my mom and dad as we moved from Northern California to the Central Coast. During the drive, my mom read me stories from a book called Grimms’ Fairy Tales. Stories such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella transported me to a make-believe world where the beautiful princess in a diamond encrusted ball gown meets her handsome prince and they live happily ever after. I was so enchanted by the dreamy stories, my dad proceeded to nickname me Princess. A nickname that has stuck with me to this day. 

My fascination with princesses stayed with me and I was one of the millions of viewers that got up at 3 a.m. to watch the wedding of Lady Diana to Prince Charles when I was 11 years old.  

Being the only girl out of four reinforced my conditioning as “princess.” When I was in my early teens, I was having a conversation with my dad about my future and going to college and he responded, “Don’t worry, you are pretty. Someone will take care of you.” Another words, someday my prince will come and save me. 

It would be easy to blame my upbringing for a lifetime of low self-esteem, but that wouldn’t be fair. Traditionally boys were raised to be independent, assertive and large and in charge. Girls on the other hand were to be docile, fragile and in need of rescuing.  That certainly describes my early years and is probably the norm for a lot of little girls at that time. Much of our self-esteem and confidence was reliant on others’ feedback. 

There is an actual term for this, which is telling, “Cinderella Complex.” Wow, I couldn’t have been more primed to have that complex. Well, if the shoe fits. See how I did that? Cinderella? Slipper? 

I also have the cheesy, corny joke complex as well…

The problem for us “princesses” occurs when the clock strikes midnight and there is no prince. Or worse, the prince turns out to be a frog and all you are left with are warts. The lack of independence and confidence derived from the “Cinderella Complex” sets women up for failure as they learn to navigate reality. 

Dependency on others for happiness instead of self, vulnerability to what “society” considers ideal and sensitivity to how others view us are all examples of low self-esteem.  I’m guilty on all accounts and it’s had a harrowing effect on my confidence and self-worth.

What’s a “princess” to do once she realizes the glass slipper is never going to fit? How does one undo years of conditioning? What are some ways to improve your self-esteem and self-worth? 

1.      Remove the Tiara- I know, I don’t want to remove mine either! But, until we let go of the notion that we need rescuing, we will never rely on ourselves. We will continue to wait for someone else’s actions to determine our own actions and desires. In addition, how could any partner live up to the fantasy of the prince charming we imagined in our mind? Poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.

2.      Mirror Mirror No More- To truly improve your self-esteem and accept the image that looks back at you in the mirror, you need to stop depending on others to dictate if you are the “fairest of them all.”  There are unrealistic expectations that are placed on us through media and television to be perfect. I’ve suffered from perfectionism and control issues most of my life. I wasted a lot of time not eating enough and over-exercising to meet what is considered ideal ? instead of being comfortable in my own skin. We are our own worst critics and that internal bad review deepens the need for reassurance from others.

3.      Get Your Own Horse- When my daughter got married and moved out is when I realized how my entire identity revolved around being a mom and a wife. When she left, the veil was partially (I still have one cub left at home) lifted and you know what I saw? Nothing. No purpose. Few friends. Little to no hobbies or goals. To say I was lost is an understatement. I needed to get on my own horse and be able to ride alone to discover me, the individual. 

4.      Let it Go, Let it Go- To really improve your self-esteem is to let go of the need for others’ approval, and love yourself instead. This isn’t easy for us “princesses.” I’m proud to say that I’ve entered therapy to address years of low self-esteem in hopes of becoming a better lover, friend, employee, boss and family member. To truly be able to love and allow others to love you, you must love yourself first. I’m a work in progress, but I’m working very hard at positive self-talk and independence.

5.      Happily Ever After- You can have that happily ever after. It is never too late to create your own kingdom that consists of things you are passionate about, a career that you are proud of and relationships that are built on mutual respect and kindness. There is only one person that has the key to your kingdom. YOU.  

FYI, I was the first and only member of my family to earn a college degree and my dad proudly supported me all the way. But, still calls me “princess.”

Jeana Brooks

Human Resources & Communications Director