Living a Balanced Life in the “Sandwich Generation” - Caring for Both Parents and Children

For many years, I have been blessed with the opportunity to work professionally with Lynn Benson, MSW, who also happens to be one of my daughters, regarding the care and curriculum for children and elders. She and I have also co-authored several award-winning books together, including one with Dorothy Breininger (Dorothy The Organizer). Additionally, we co-founded www.digitallifecloud.com alongside our tremendous team of many diverse talents.

In addition to our professional background, our home lives have enjoyed times of intergenerational living. During the years that my husband and I BOTH had our fathers living with us, Lynn was there to provide an incredible amount of love, support and professional guidance. And of course, our home was filled with the joy of grandchildren visiting on a regular basis.

Eventually, Lynn, her husband, and their two beautiful daughters ended up moving to the East Coast. In the midst of our many conversations, one day, it suddenly hit me that Lynn is now experiencing what we call the “Sandwich Generation.” In addition to her career and being the founder of www.eqandiq.com (which promotes social and emotional learning), as you can imagine, Lynn is incredibly busy as the mother of two now very active teenagers. Meanwhile, her husband commutes each day to his job in NYC, putting in very long hours.

Additionally, Lynn’s mother-in-law, Betty, who is just shy of 90-years-old, requires 24-hour care in a nearby assisted living facility. While Lynn’s sister-in-law is the primary person who makes sure Betty is well taken care of, Lynn and other family members also share in various caregiving activities, always grateful for the time they are able to spend together. And, to add her to plate, now that my husband and I are aging, Lynn is beginning to discuss her concerns with us, which has already led to many meaningful conversations about staying healthy, organized and planning ahead.

I asked Lynn to share her best advice and suggestions for keeping a balanced life while living in the “Sandwich Generation.”

Lynn’s Tips:

Utter fatigue, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed are common feelings for those in the “Sandwich Generation”. With so many responsibilities, the need to nurture our own selves can often feel impossible.

I’ll begin with Debby’s 3 G’s (Get Informed, Get Organized, and Get Moving). In a nutshell, these three steps are extremely essential to integrate into our lives to help stave off the “overwhelm” factor.

Dorothy The Organizer’s sounding advice of “avoid perfection at all costs” is another mantra that I remind myself of daily. Thank you, Dorothy!

Meanwhile, in terms of the fatigue that one might experience, there are many contributing factors that should be evaluated. In the world of psychology, there is a term called “biopsychosocial” reminding us to assess all of these factors when evaluating exhaustion in the quest to achieve a more balanced life.

Bio, the prefix of “biopsychosocial”, reiterates that the genetic/medical component is critical to keep in mind. Simply put, be sure to make those annual doctor appointments. Hypothyroid is a more common medical condition than people may realize. Even without the stress of being in the “Sandwich Generation”, having hypothyroidism alone creates massive fatigue and can easily be ruled out by a blood test. In addition, it’s important to be mindful of:

• Meeting Basic Needs: This must be part of our overall health assessment in terms of sleep, nutrition and exercise (including simple stretches which EVERYONE can do). These are areas that we can all continually improve on.
• Breathing: Stress complicates the medical arena (such as autoimmune disease) and greatly contributes to fatigue. The simplicity of remembering to take mindful, deep and slow breaths improves our health.

Psycho, found within “biopsychosocial”, indicates there is a reason why “mindfulness” strategies continue to be at the forefront to improve our psychological well-being. Below are aspects that can help support this:

• Self-Awareness: Putting more effort into a deeper learning and understanding of what you are thinking and feeling is essential. Many of us work on autopilot which interferes with optimal functioning.
• Daily Reflection: On a personal note, this has helped me tremendously. Take time to consider: What’s working? What’s not working? What mistakes did I engage in today that I would like to do differently? How can I learn from this without beating myself up in the process? It’s important to remind ourselves that we’re only human, and we can try to do better next time. Learning about world-renowned Stanford psychologist’s Carol Dweck’s “Growth Mindset” versus “Fixed Mindset” has also been an eye-opening experience for my own growth. Fortunately, her teachings are now being integrated into the psychology world on a much greater scale.
• Clarity of Our Personal “Values”: Avoid being spread too thin and focus on what really matters in life. It’s easy to get overly wrapped up in to our to-do lists, our kids’ achievements and enrichment activities, trying to keep up on social media, and so on. If family, health and social and emotional well-being are top priorities, then we need to consider scaling back on commitments that are above and beyond what is absolutely necessary.
• Fulfilling “Personal Interests”: Caregiving responsibilities of children and elders bring much fulfillment but can also be hugely challenging - physically and emotionally. For me, fitting in my professional goals has been instrumental. I’ve certainly had to scale back throughout certain time periods due to various complexities, but working on passionate projects of mine has helped keep my brain cells working and saved my sanity!

Social, the suffix of “biopsychosocial”, reminds us that we are inherently social creatures. Not having a support system and/or difficulty navigating one can considerably increase our fatigue. Oppositely, strengthening our social and emotional interactions helps us achieve better health and a more balanced life. Suggestions to improve this are:

• Self-Regulation: Similarly to self-awareness, we must prioritize to improve.
• Conflict Resolution: Heightened conflicts can create chaos and contribute to debilitating fatigue therefore brushing up on our conflict resolution skills is so important. We must revert back to basics including tapping in to empathy, using active listening skills, focusing on “I” statements, and learning to “agree to disagree” in a respectful manner.
• Build a Support System: It doesn’t have to be therapy necessarily, but there is a reason why “group therapy” can be life-changing and is considered more impactful than individualized therapy. Connecting with others who “get it” can make a tremendous difference.
• Remain Grateful and Hopeful: In the midst of our darkest times, while feeling compelled to surrender, tapping in to find something to be grateful for while remaining hopeful is extremely important.

In conclusion, with February 15th being National Caregivers Day, I want to take a minute to recognize all the men and women in a caregiving role. The work can be overwhelming and isolating. Yet, know that Lynn and I applaud your work and value and its importance.