The Lives Lived Between the Lights pt 8

As I stood at the window that day, with all the fresh questions circling my mind, I began to work out a plan for how I would be able to satisfy my curiosity while also not arousing suspicion from the others. The plan I finally settled on was that I would have to throw myself fully into the revelry for as long as my mind would allow? before finally giving in to the curiosity. I also knew that I’d have to be very watchful of my surroundings and of the others to not allow them to follow me. I knew this would be something I needed to conquer alone, and I didn’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. I’d probably have to make several trips over the course of multiple days and weeks to fully answer the questions that I had. For this I thought about what the chief question was, and after much deliberation I found that what I most wanted to answer was what was beyond the walls of the dome.?

Having finally decided upon what I thought was a good plan, I laid down to sleep through what little remained of the light cycle. That revelry I did my best to forget the questions that had been on my mind. I tried to stay away from Hana as much as possible, both to keep her from asking me further questions about my motives and to keep from getting aroused like previously. I even went so far as to dance with many other girls who weren’t part of the group. When the revelry finished I was able to sleep fully through the light cycle due to my exhaustion from dancing and the pull of fatigue due to the previous loss of sleep.?

So it was for many days. I would devote myself wholly to the revelry, keeping my mind in place there, and not allowing it to wander to the questions from before. I would allow myself to wake early and catch the waning parts of the light cycle. This was to be my driving motivation. It would keep me from fully forgetting the plan that I had created, and provide me with motivation to move forward.?

This became my routine. I woke early, and walked the city. I wanted to go as far as to touch the dome, but knew that would be impossible, given the amount of time I would need, and my lack of it. But seeing the city in the light was everything I needed. I can't say why, looking back now. I needed to feel small. I needed to know that there was something great in the world, and that I was a small piece of it. I didn’t want to be like the others. I had to be different. I had to be great, like these buildings. I knew there had to be something more to this life, and I was more determined than ever to find it.?

Every time the light cycle would begin to fade, and I could see the signs that my group was going to wake soon, I found my way back to them. It wasn’t easy to tear myself away from the silence and my thoughts, but I knew that if I was ever to follow through on my plan, I needed absolute secrecy, for that, I had to follow the plan.?

Revelries came and went. I threw myself into them with abandon. From beginning to end I forgot about the rest of the things I knew to be true, and delved into the midst of the throng. I became a different person then. I did things I had never done before, and never knew I could do.?

I forced everything to become more real. The lights, the music, the press of bodies against mine. Everything became more visceral as I pushed my mind to accept and enjoy them. I had walled off the one part that held firmly to the plan. Kept fed on meager rations by my occasional walks during the light cycle, but still living. Still there, still present in my mind, waiting for when the time was right to burst forth in full bloom. It knew that it had to go through this time, I knew that I couldn’t forget about the plan. I couldn’t let myself go over fully to what I had been, but I had to act like it was true, for the good of the plan.?

Some things changed, within me. I pushed my body further and further each day. I willed it to happen. I knew that I had to be fully there, that only one part of myself could stay tied to the plan and the search for more. The rest of myself was lost to the press of bodies and sound.?

Deep, pulsing rhythms beat in time with my pulse. The throbbing of the music giving motion to every limb. I let myself go. I was free. When I closed my eyes I could still see the myriad colors dancing around on the crowd and I. The buildings all pressed full of people, Atlas lit up like a beacon around which everything spun.?

I had little time for rest. I rarely sat out like before. I had become a new person, everyone could see it. With my lead, we all pressed deeper into the consciousness of each revelry. We left each light cycle exhausted, tired to our innermost. They slept the full light cycle, barely waking up with enough time to eat something before following the call of the lights and sound.?

I, however, remained disciplined. As disciplined at feeding the part of myself that clung to the hope of something more as I was to feeding the other desires each revelry. The few cycles I missed even a glimpse of the light shook me to the core. They made me question everything about what I was doing, made me not want to fight, not want to search, not want to move against the stream of life that pushed me to Atlas each night.?

“Why bother?” My desires said to me.?

“There’s nothing else out there. And if there was, why would you give up this? Everything here is good, everything here is all that you’ll ever need. So, why bother?”

Almost giving in to those thoughts, I had one small ray of hope. The one part of my mind that was tied so inexorably to the plan and the desire for something beyond this city. IT fought back against every lie my larger self would throw. It held tight to the plan, and begged to be fed. And each time I listened. Each time I fought within myself, no matter how tired, to wake up and catch at least some part of the light cycle. To be reminded of what was true, what had to be true. That there was something else out there I was meant to be a part of. Some greatness that stood just beyond the walls of the dome that enclosed me, and beckoned me to join.

The plan was being executed flawlessly. I threw off any suspicion that might be on me, all in the goal of making a clean break. From the group, from the revelry, from anything. I’d be alone, searching for the records.?

And then, it was time.

One revelry, I found a way to part from the group. I separated from them, which wasn’t uncommon, and then…left.

I spun out from the dancers, and walked out into the city.?

I was free.?

The small part of my mind that had been held in such a small place was set free as well. It took over everything. Every part of my body was now energized for the task ahead. Ideas started bouncing around in my mind of what I should do, where I should go. I gave them free reign.?

“Go to Atlas during the light cycle!”

“See the city!”

They said, each loud and crowding around and between each other, until,?

“Touch the dome.”?

It was quiet. Forceful, and captivating. It took command of all the others, willing them into submission.?

“Yes, touch the dome.” I thought. It made sense to be the first. It would certainly take the longest, and would remove me thoroughly from the revelry, and everyone there.?

Atlas was the center of everything. The revelry, all of us, and from what I could tell, the dome. If that was true, then all I had to do was walk with my back to it, and I’d find where the dome met the ground.?

It’d be a long journey, further than I’d gone before, but I knew I had to go. The first problem immediately presented itself: there was no direct way to go. All of the way around Atlas was stacked with buildings. These same ones Hana and I climbed to watch the revelry, were now obstacles in my way. Walking around them, while walking away from Atlas was difficult.?

Forward progress was difficult in those first few steps. Each one pulled me further from what I’d known. Each building I passed brought me closer to my goal, and left a small piece of me behind. A trail of myself leading away from Hana, from the whole group, but left behind to find my way back if this was all a fruitless journey.?

I plunged deeper into the thickness of the city. It was calm and quiet, I let myself be lost in the buildings’ scale. I let their enormity wash over me and fill my mind with thoughts of our forefathers and their power. Who would build a city like this? Everything was crammed on top of everything else. As if there wasn’t enough room to fit everything that they intended.?

There was room though, where it mattered. Atlas during the light cycle was wide and open. Open enough that during the revelry an uncounted number of the city’s inhabitants could fill it every night. I never noticed it before, never really cared to or had to back then. When I’d leave to walk around during the light cycle it didn’t matter where I was going, and during the revelry nothing mattered.?

Now that I had a path and a plan, I noticed everything in my way. Each building in front of me and behind each other. Hardly any room for a walkway. That first day was slow, slower than I’d like. If this was what the trip out to the dome was going to be like, then I doubted my resolve to get there after fighting through the maze of buildings I’d have to contend with each day.?

By the time the sky was darkening, and I began hearing the sounds of the revelry I was far enough away to feel comfortable. I wouldn't be found. With this in mind, I knew I’d need to go inside a building and spend the revelry alone, for the first time. I climbed a building after some searching for one that was tall enough to have a good view of Atlas while also looking somewhat inviting.?

I found myself very hungry at this point. It had been a harder day than I’d thought, and I was worried I’d not have enough packed food to finish out the journey. I was pleasantly surprised to find a food dispenser upon entering the building I’d chosen. It worked, and I felt better about there being more along the way out to the dome. Our forefathers surely had to be behind this, and for that I was grateful, and awed.?

I dialed up some food and a drink, and headed up to find a place to watch the revelry, and my old life, before resting.?

The same feelings came up as I watched the revelry. I heard the bass pulsing, the lights dancing around the buildings, and the inhabitants moving in ebbs and flows. They’d become more frenetic as the music moved faster and urged them on, then slower as the bass took over and held them entranced.?

Being alone made me think about what I’d been doing for my life. From up here I could see the mindlessness of it all. The music and lights guided you, and you followed their lead. You gave yourself over to their tidal forces. If the crowd moved, you moved along with it. The only ones who didn’t were those who needed a break from it all, and me. I guess I fit into that last group pretty well though.?

I needed a break from everything. I couldn’t tell that was what I was doing while I sat there watching, but from my vantage point now it is clear I wasn’t so unlike the revelers on the sides. I just couldn’t be part of them anymore. I’d had enough, but didn’t know it. I knew there was something outside of the revelry I had to find, but I wasn’t prepared for it at all.?

After watching the mass move towards Atlas I could barely keep my eyes open. I fell asleep, alone, for the first time in a long time. I’d wake up alone as well. It would be my first full day with only myself for company.?

It is a strange thing, being alone with only your mind to keep you entertained and occupied. You can find yourself walking down some confusing paths, and not know how you found yourself in any given place. So much so that I found myself creating a world in my mind where people never lived in the dome, and thinking about what their lives must be.?

I plodded along fighting my way through the dense cluster of buildings for two more days. They got much thicker as I went on, and it was difficult to keep my bearings. I lost sight of Atlas numerous times, and had to backtrack to make sure I knew where I was going. In this part of the city the buildings were not the only obstacles to contend with. Our forefathers added walls that just blocked off the way forward, and had the nasty habit of funneling you places you didn’t want to go, and turning you around for long stretches, to the point that I lost my way several times.?

Here, I was at my most frustrated. I questioned every step I took. I questioned whether I was going in the right direction, and if it was even a worthwhile trip I was undertaking. How hard was I holding on to the goal of getting out to the dome??

What was the point in it all??

Why didn’t I just turn back and forget about everything else??

Then I found it. An exit appeared in front of me almost out of nowhere. Walking through it was like unburdening myself from all the weight my mind had been carrying.?

Through the exit I found a large path that stretched on beyond my sight. As I walked along it, I found that it was curved around the walled in part of the city I had just come through. I walked for what seemed like most of the light cycle, and never once saw another exit. I felt a strange thing surface in my mind,?

“The forefathers must have built it like this for a reason.”?

What that reason was, I could only guess.?

“Yes, they must have!” I answered myself. “But why?”

“Would it look like something if viewed from above?”

“What if these parts were built at different times?”

“What if I was in the newest part of the city?”?

Even then, I knew these weren’t very good answers to the riddle I’d been given. I knew it had to have a reason and that I’d add finding it to my list of tasks after finding the edge of the dome.