The Lives Lived Between the Lights pt 6

“Different? How so?”

“I don’t know, like you had found something that you were looking for.”

That girl’s powers of observation never ceased to amaze me.?

“I guess now that you mention it, I was a little preoccupied then. I guess I just started to think. ‘There’s got to be a lot of the city that I’ve never seen before.’ I just got it into my head that I should go and see it. You know, like maybe the city was made for something else, like our forefathers had something in mind for us when they made the city and that purpose got changed, or forgotten.”?

After that she got really quiet. I began to worry that I had said something wrong.? Now I think she was just lost in her own thoughts about what I had said. I’d like to think that she had just had her eyes opened for the first time in a long time. I don’t know, I shouldn’t dwell on that now.?

We finally reached a part of the city where I could see the revelry’s lights shining brightly behind the buildings. So, having decided previously to do so, I found the tallest one of them and walked in. Hana followed me up the staircase in the middle of the building. It was round and would appear in the middle of each floor that we climbed to. As we climbed I could see the area around us easily through the large windows covering each side of the building. I could immediately see why it was no longer used. Even though it provided ample area on each floor the staircase in the middle would make getting into and out of them difficult, especially for anyone trying to move around the revelry. However, for me it was perfect since each wall allowed almost uninterrupted views of the surroundings.?

Further up we climbed, Hana not saying a word and fully following my lead. I was unsure what it was that I was looking for, but at the same time fully believing that I would know it when I saw it. Somewhere near the top of the building, from my estimates, the building started sloping back in upon itself but only on one side. Because of this I wasn’t able to see the slope from the street that I was on. The slope in the building’s side allowed there to be a cut out in the roof and an open area that was not enclosed to allow sweeping views of the city as well as all the sounds that came from the revelry. Once we came up on the first of these floors I knew that I was getting close to what I had wanted to stop for, then after a few more floors I found the perfect place from which to watch the revelry.?

It was a floor situated about midway up the slope of the building’s side, completely open to the air, and with a wonderful view of Atlas itself. I hadn’t realized before that I’d been so lucky as to find a spot that looked down on the very center of the revelry but for whatever reason I was fortunate that night. From the ledge on the side you could see all of the lights shining from around the city and all of the people that were down in Atlas, by this time it must have been sufficiently late in the night due to the amount of people already gathered on the dance floor.?

“You know, we could leave now and make it back in time for the move to Atlas.”?

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t want to leave just yet.”?

Then she just stood there. Looking out on the city with all of the lights so vibrant but so far off. I stood, silent as well. Wishing I had something that I could say to break the silence, to ease the tension I felt. But no words would come.?

So I stood, beside her, quietly adoring the way that she was enjoying the city from a vantage point that no one in a long time had ever bothered to see. It felt indescribable. I was at peace at this moment. It was a feeling I had only touched for a brief second on the best of revelries when the lights fit the mood of the music perfectly and for whatever instant my body flowed in symphony with the beat. That was when I could feel this peace. Inevitably though something would happen that would push me out of sync. I would get jostled by someone near me, or the lights would change, or I would make an awkward movement and lose that connection that I had.?

This was different. This needed nothing. It wasn’t based on my senses but on the surroundings. I could stay here as long as I wanted and nothing would change. I could look around, move, speak, breathe and still the feeling would persist. Almost as if I had found a perfect bubble of space, and in that space I was sheltered where nothing could interrupt this feeling of perfection and peace.?

And then it happened, this feeling of peace became one of ecstasy. I had known that there was nothing that I could do to change things. But when she looked at me and smiled everything changed. My heart felt as if it would burst from the emotion. She was so happy that I had brought her with me and that she was able to see something that no one else in many days had seen. The feeling of deep gratitude that came from her smile burst the bubble I had been so happy staying in.?

Then she simply said, “Thanks”.

Nothing else was required after that. Everything that needed to be said or conveyed had already come across.?

If I could go back to that time, to that place. There are so many things that I would do. So many words I would have used to fill the silence that was so present between us. So many emotions I learned of too late that I had no concept of at that time. Looking back, that was the most apt time I would ever have to convey those feelings. To tell you of the truths that lay dormant inside of me for so much of my life. That began to sprout and take root at that moment on that ledge. Something in the essence of the night, whether it was the sky, the music, the lights, the hours leading up to that moment. Whatever the case may be they all came together and cracked the shell surrounding my core. The very seed that had laid dormant in so unfertile a soil as mine, and at that instant felt its first touch of water and began to unbind itself from the husk that had held it inert for so long.?

Instead of filling the time with anything we just stood there. Looking out over the city. Atlas began to fill up. We could hear the music getting louder and the lights increased in intensity. The city’s inhabitants knew full well what this meant. Without even thinking about it we were all drawn to the center of our city to experience the fullness of the night and the carefully crafted pleasures that the creators of the evening had chosen for us.

Hana and I impulsively moved away from the ledge, back toward the stairs that we had come up on. No words needed to be said, we both knew where we were going. We were drawn by the invisible strings that had pulled us so many times on so many nights, and this one, no matter how special, was no different. We walked slower down the stairs, slower through the streets, all the way back to the revelry, all the way to Atlas. We slipped into the crowds outside unnoticed and given our habits we knew where to find our friends. And so the night finished, I danced like usual. Sometimes holding Hana in my arms and sometimes freeing myself to the music.?

Only once that night did I stop to reflect on what I had seen away from the revelry. After the last song had been played and the sun was beginning to come over the horizon and pour out from over the mountain peaks while everyone was fading into sleep. I stayed up by myself long enough to watch the sun come up to its full brilliance in the blue sky, surrounded by the clouds that held so many colors at night but became so pure in the morning. It was then that I understood what I had seen, what emotions I had felt earlier that night. It was then that I knew that things would never be the same.?

All during that light cycle I dreamed of things that I had never seen before. Hana and I all alone, walking outside of the city, in the middle of some open area with green blades under our feet. Grass, I believe it was called sometime in the past when life wasn’t constrained to this city. We walked together through that grass under the moon, no music or other lights to paint the sky save the blue reflected off of the moon. I looked at her and I could feel, even through the depth of the dream, that there was a yearning in my body to place my lips on hers. I didn’t know where this desire was coming from as I had never seen anyone doing that before, but somehow I knew it was natural and good.?

I awoke with the changing of the light cycle just as the sun had slipped behind the mountain with the darkness calling the city to life. With slow bodies stiffened by sleep my friends and I left our rooms and headed out into the city to eat before the night’s revelry. I could not take my eyes off of Hana as we ate. I was looking for something that I had seen in her face as she looked out over the city the night previously. But the harder I looked the further it seemed from the surface. Until finally Natsu broke through my concentration.

“What are you looking at? Does Hana have something on her face?”

It caught me off guard for a moment what he was asking until I realized how odd I must look staring at her.?

“Oh, no I was just looking for something.”

“What?”

“Well last night at the revelry. I saw something on her face. I was wondering if it was still there.” I lied.

“Was it ink? A sticky?”?

Now I should tell you that there were many things in the city that one could find to adorn themselves with as they danced in the revelry. Often people would paint themselves or their hair, but there were less drastic things that one could do to their bodies for the revelry. Often you could find dancers with lines drawn in ink like some sort of pattern, or sometimes the various painters would make small stickies that you could place on your body to help set you apart from others. Both were easy to find on others most nights.

“No, nothing like that.”

“Well what was it then? You should know that most things done during the revelry don’t last through the light cycle.”

“Yeah, I know that. I’m not really sure why I was looking anyway now that you mention it.”

“Are you alright man? You’ve been acting kind of strangely lately.”

“How have I been acting?”

“I don’t know, it’s like you’re not focused. Like something else is going on in your head every revelry.”

“I guess there’s times that I notice other things outside the dome, and I get taken away from the revelry for a bit.”

“What things take you away?”

“Well, one time it was the way the moon looked. The way it looks so perfectly shaped up there. Another time it was the way that the clouds looked painted in the light from the revelry. They’re so large overhead and to see all of the colors moving around on such a large area with all the shadows was really amazing. And sometimes it’s just the way that the girls look when they’re dancing.”

“Really, you see that too?”

“All the time. But now it’s kind of different.”

“What do you mean?”

It was here that I came to a problem. I felt that I could tell him about my emotions and the way they made me feel, but I wasn’t about to tell him about leaving the revelry. Especially not with Hana. I don’t know what it was that told me not to tell him but it seemed like there was a strong and rather persistent voice inside me urging me to keep that secret. Honestly I don’t know why I should feel so ashamed about telling one of the people close to me about something so simple. It must have been my embarrassment over the whole thing that kept me silent.

“Well man, tell me if nothing changes after this revelry.”

And so we began our evening. Only this time I put all of myself into the effort of looking like nothing was going on inside me, when I knew that changes had already begun. The lights came up as always, the floor around me began to thump with the sound flowing around and through each person and building in the city. Slowly at first. Incessant. Rising. Gaining in both force and velocity the longer that it was allowed to continue. As it rose I could feel my heartbeat begin to move in time with the pulses. Then from the bottom of my feet I sensed movement. Right as my heels began to move in time something else was added to fill out the hollow spaces left in between the beats. It too began small and gained in pressure and sound the longer that it was around. It was at this moment that I could feel my knees begin to sway back and forth. My heels still kept time with the beat but somewhere up the muscles in my thigh I could feel the melody interspersed with the back beat. This energy was causing them to expand and contract of their own volition. Back and forth they moved, one with the music that was beginning to become quite loud at this point. Then, out of nowhere something else began to wind its way around the columns of sound that had been so present from the beginning of the night. Something light, as if it floated on the air moving in and out of each dancer’s lungs. As with everything else it started off quiet and small. So small that you’d have to strain to hear it, and then it would only appear seldomly. But as it continued it found it’s own strength and multiplied upon itself. Slowly it began to gain mass and came into its own with vigor and the longer it stayed the harder it became to hear anything else beyond it.?

Through it all a persistent voice continued to tell me that there was something else that I was missing. Something of importance that I had seen once but had forgotten. Throughout the night as the music changed I found myself being taken away from the moments of revelry to look for what I felt I was missing. I danced with alacrity but found that even so I couldn’t fully give myself up to the movement of the crowd, the swaying of the bodies, or the beat of the music. There was something else out there and I had to find it. Slowly I began to move outside of the crowd, further and further away from what all I had been surrounded by for so many years. I suppose I thought that the further away I got the better view I could get of whatever it was that I was missing. From the outskirts of the revelry there was nothing new that I hadn’t already seen so many times before. I sat alone, and followed the crowd through the various places that we moved through and finally to Atlas, where finally caught up by the energy of the moment I returned to my friends and partook in the final moments of the night’s revelry.?

“Well, how was it?”?

Natsu asked as we were all heading back to our normal place to sleep.