Live a fulfilling life.

In 1902, the sociologist Charles Horton Cooley wrote: ”I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”?

In my opinion, that’s the best part of Jay Shetty “Think like a monk” book. It is a very strong statement, but it is so true. If we look at our self-image through that perspective, whenever we try to improve ourselves, we are working on the imagined version of ourselves. On top of that, we are trying to live up to this persona, even at the expense of our values. To truly work on YOUR identity, you need to look deeper than your friends, family, teachers or colleagues’ beliefs and values that they impressed on you.?

We are born into a certain set of circumstances, and our values are defined by what we experience, our education, family. Basically, anything that our minds absorb. Since we live in such a suggestive world it’s best that after identifying your values you look at the origin of the value and decide if each value is still valid for you. Only when we exclude opinions, expectations, or obligations of the world around us we can truly look within and identify what do we want out of life.

Discovering your real self is just one step to living a better life according to Jay Shetty. Another aspect we need to address is negativity which surrounds us all the time. It can be in form of complaints, comparison, criticism or simply negative behaviour. If something or someone has a negative impact on you, remove yourself from the emotional charge of the situation. This can be done by avoiding physical representations, e.g. coffee shop or limiting time spend with a negative person. You can always choose a different place to hang out and spend more time with people who are better than you in some way and bring more positive energy to your life.?

If the negativity comes from your thoughts, the author of the “Think like a monk” book suggests three simple steps to tackle it:?

? Spot the negative feeling or issue. Become aware of it. All the projection and suspicion reflect our insecurities. If you would like to challenge yourself don’t complain for a week, don’t criticize, and don’t compare yourself to others - keep score of how many times you failed. Because you will fail. The purpose of this task is not to completely stop you from complaining but make you realise how much you complain.?

? Stop and address the feeling: what it is and where it comes from, recognise what turns on your negativity.

? Swap the thought - amend your usual behaviour and use the negative thoughts to guide you to what you want and focus on that.

Another aspect we need to take into consideration when we think about living a more fulfilling life is fear. The more we hold on to fear or day-to-day anxiety the more negative impact it has on our lives. When you feel fear your body doesn’t recognise if this is a real danger or you worry about something which is on your agenda. Your body then goes to flight or fight mode treating the situation as a life-or-death experience. That will, later on, influence your immune system and quality of sleep. That’s why it is important to deal with your fears.?

When you handle the fear you learn that you can deal with new things, things you fear. That realisation increases your confidence and gives you more objectivity on what you should be afraid of and what not.?

Jay Shetty highlights four different emotional reactions to fear: we can panic, freeze, run away, or bury it. The first two are short term strategies, second two are long term strategies. All of them distract us from the situation. If you want to change your relationship with fear you need to change how you look at fear. When you walk towards your fear, acknowledge it, and become familiar with it you bring yourself into full presence which consequently allows you to deal with the fear.?

Draw a line with zero on one end and ten on the other. Think about the worst thing that could happen to you, the worst thing that you can imagine. Now rate the current fear comparing to your worst nightmare becoming a reality. Are you still as afraid as you were before the exercise? It gives some perspective, doesn't it?

The truth is that we all have fear patterns – an action we take or an action we avoid. If you track your fear to the source most of us discover our fear are closely related to attachment – the need to own and control things. To tackle it ask yourself “What am I afraid of losing?” Think about external and internal aspects of your life. Consider the aspects you listed as borrowed things that are given to you for a specific period of time, it can be a day, month or a lifetime. If you cling to things you have in your life you give them power over you. If you accept the temporary nature of things you are grateful to have it for the timing they are present in your life. You enjoy what you have without the fear of losing it.

Work on reframing how you see fear and change the negativity of experiencing your fear to something neutral or even a sign of opportunity. Otherwise, if you choose to run away from your fears and problems they will become bigger and bigger. They will grow to the point that you are forced to deal with them. And I am sure you would rather address your fears on your own terms than dealing with them when you least expect it.?

Overcoming your fears is part of the journey called life. If you want to accomplish anything you need to get out of your comfort zone again and again. To live the life you want you also need some routines in your life.?

Your mornings and evenings are very important. How you start your morning set the tone for the day, on the other hand, evenings give you a chance to plan for the following morning. Since usually whatever thoughts you fall asleep with you wake up with think positive thoughts before you fall asleep. Visualise how would you like your day to unfold and what would you like to accomplish.

When you create your routines don’t only consider things you will be doing but also the environment. Jay Shetty brings an interesting thought: every location has a different energy and gives you different feelings. When you chose a single location and assign your routine to it you become more productive as your brain will register what is expected from it in which location. If you perform the routine at the same time and location, especially when you’re establishing a new routine, it will help to make the routine become second nature.?

On top of that, don’t forget about the sounds you choose starting with your alarm clock. Choose nature sounds if you can. Create a go-to playlist that you will play in the morning to put you in a great mood, or listen to your favourite motivational speech that always leaves you inspired to take action and conquer the day.?

And never forget about gratitude, which has been linked to better mental health, self-awareness and a sense of fulfilment. Since we can’t focus on negative and positive at the same time, whenever you feel down shift your focus to things that are in your life that bring you joy. When we feel grateful our brain releases dopamine - the reward chemical that makes us want to do it again making it a habit.?

Challenge yourself and be grateful not only for the good things but also for the setbacks. Sometimes things do not go our way, but in the end, they work out for the best. If I am not happy with the outcome I got I always recall some events from the past and recognise that each challenge I had to face redirected me to something better. I focus on the thinking that there is more out there. I shift my mind towards the possibilities rather than focusing on the current situation. Allow yourself to be grateful for what is and what is possible.

If you live your life with purpose and meaning it is better as it isn't tied up to your accomplishments or possessions but to who you are. Therefore, challenge yourself, focus on improving yourself continuously, and become a better person.