The Little Things

He was red in the face, voice getting loud and very much defending his position. A young couple sitting before me. All she said was "I don't feel he connects with me. He doesn't make an effort". She could barley finish her sentence without being interrupted. I could already see what she was getting at. 

He went on to list all the things he does for her. The list included things like taking her to the hospital when she wasn't feeling well. Or, picking her up from the airport when she returned home from a business trip. And, he finished strong by saying that he takes her out to dinner and a movie once a month. In his mind, he was doing everything for her. In reality, he was doing the bare essentials. 

Not to take away from him or anyone else that does those things to make a relationship work easier. But, those are the big things. Those are a given {in most functioning relationships.} I said I wanted to go out on a limb, and said I think you're talking about the little things? Bingo! Her head nodding with approval. All those things he mentioned are kind of implied in a relationship. It is the little things that make the big difference.

I asked her to to give some examples of what she was talking about. She did an amazing job by starting with thanking him for doing all of the big things that she really needed him for. {I believe that when we set the table with love, we more than likely will have an enjoyable meal.} By thanking him, he calmed down and was ready to listen.

She went on to say that when he used to do the little things when they first got together years ago, that made her feel connected to him. Something as little as offering to do the dishes after a meal. Or, a simple I love you text in the middle of the day for no reason. The unexpected gesture goes along way. She went onto say that he used to tell her how good she looked when they went out. Now unless she specifically ask him, he does not say it. She once again ended beautifully. She said it doesn't make me love you any less, but it makes me feel special. Wow! You could literally see him processing what she was saying. Who doesn't want their significant other to feel special? 

I am a true believer that all those little things we stop doing in our relationships are the reason why we get disconnected. I know that the "big things" are not a given. But, it really is those small unexpected gestures that make you feel loved and appreciated. The holding of the hands, or taking the time to actually listen to them. These are the things that say I love you without saying I love you. These actions speak louder than words. They affirm that you are connected and that you are never far from my mind. 

Don't stop doing the big things. Do start doing the little things. If your relationship happiness is at a casual level 5. Try doing some small things. I would bet that your relationship would start to look and feel like it did when you first started dating. It is pretty rare that when we are supported, that we don't want to become the best version of ourselves. And when this happens. Everyone wins.