A Little Lost?

It is Friday mid-morning. It is raining outside and I can feel the rhythm of rain drops hitting the iron sheets. The melody of water dropping into the storage tank from the gutters. I am seated at the living room with a laptop on my lap. I just did that to commit myself to do something meaningful. A few minutes ago I was laid on my sofa playing Woodoku on my phone while thinking of amazing things I want to do. Shifting my legs from the sofa, the floor and to the table. I am left alone as my brother and my nephew are out on errands. I am on leave. I know that sounds common but my colleagues will tell you what that means. From someone who had a spillover of 21 days of leave days from last year to this year. I rarely take these leave days. Not because I am ever busy or because my work environment does not allow. No. Not at all. I just don’t know what to do with them. The leave days I mean.

I grew up in an industrious family where I never saw my father take leave even a single day despite being self-employed. My father used to religiously go to work at 8am and back home at 7:30pm. That was his routine. All week long. I don’t know his reasons. I also saw my siblings grinding hard. Of the brothers we grew up together, my two sisters were married off by the time I knew what a sister meant, I was the slowest. Even today. The same things that my elder brothers used to do while I was young is still happening today. I am given lighter tasks or sandwiched between my brothers who will once in a while assist me so that I can catch up. Even when we go cycling, I am given the lightest and faster bike so that I am not left behind. But one thing has been constant. I always show up and I push myself. I might not be the most active but my absence is felt.

During one of the session where girls were taken through self-awareness by my colleague, I was asked what my greatest fear was. I never took long to respond. ‘Being Alone’. I later came to dig deeper on my response and I saw a pattern that is constant. I am always occupying the time that I would have been alone. It is the reason why I have two of my brothers all the way from North Rift staying here in the South Rift with me. When they are not around, I am accommodating someone who is transiting or something. My house is constantly occupied.

I am at a stage of life where ‘most’ people are settling in their jobs, having a young family and are either pursuing investments or advancing their education journey. I am a father of two children from two different mothers. I don’t stay with them. My family life is in shambles. Failure. I am in a new relationship but my shoulders are heavy. I struggle every day not to be clouded by my past. But looking at their faces in my gallery and hearing their voices once in a while torments me. There is no single day that passes by without thinking of them. Their mothers have a better story to tell about why we reached that point. I am content that they are where they are loved the most but there is always a voice that keeps telling me I should do more.

Two things keeps me sane. My work. And my bicycle. The bicycle that I use to commute to work gives me enough therapy. If it is not enjoyable enough, it is tiring making me to sleep early than usual. Win win. The work is what brings out life in me. The work environment is positive and the work I do is satisfying. Meeting people distract me from my own thoughts. I love taking challenges and the work environment is always presenting me with something new I can learn or do. I sometimes feel under-utilized while at times I feel I am overwhelmed.

But just like I don’t know what to do when I am on leave, I also don’t know what to do with my life other than being at work. I feel I need to do more. I come up with a long list of what to do but end up doing something else. I feel inadequate or not good enough so I need to learn something new or develop my capacity on something. I also feel I have what it takes to steer my department forward. Do I need that course? Should I go for bachelors? Should I look for another job? Should I be content? Should I find more to do? Is this what I wanted? Is this my dream? Is this the line of duty I want to retire from? So many other questions that keep pounding my head.

Other than work, I started a company. A facilitation business. Ren Facilitation Academy Ltd. Inspired by the facilitation course I took at Anew School of Facilitation in South Africa and ignited by the belief that good meetings should be a priority in every organization. Good meetings I mean. Not just meeting. I don’t know what to do with the business though. I have only had one client since it started. A political party that was seeking training services. Every time I want to think for my business, I end up coming up with ideas for my workplace. I also don’t know a clear boundary where I am thinking about Ren and Nice Place. It is increasing my heartbeat. Was this too soon? Did I calculate well?

I also joined politics. I believe good political health of a nation drives good policies that will uplift the lives of its citizens. We have a few leaders who embody a true spirit of working for the people but we have others who are driven by selfish gains. I want to be in politics not as a politician but as a person building politicians with good intentions. I am consumed by recruitment going on in the political party I have associated myself with. There is a lot of things I am learning about politics that will sharpen my role of leading capacity and strategy development at the party. Is this what I want? I don’t know. It is scary.

I want to write, I promised a friend to finish a book by November. I am fascinated by AI and want to explore more. I want to create a weekly newsletter on professional development. I want to help my siblings to be on their feet. I want to be there for my friends who are starting up their ventures. I want to build a vocational school. I want to start a cycling academy. I am thinking of creating a sustainable source of income for football clubs back at home. I want to marry and settle. I want to stay with my children. I want to own a piece of land and build my tiny wooden house. How lovely would that be? I am addicted to my phone and my laptop. I want to take 6 years break from life. I want to one day address the UN Assembly. I want to be easily accessible.

How did you guys hack through this stage? I hear that don’t listen to people but honestly I am all ears.

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