The litmus test of honest feedback …and how to accept it

“If you receive feedback that you largely agree with, then you probably haven’t received honest feedback”, said Vishal Nevatia (Managing Partner – True North) during a fireside chat hosted by Great Place to Work? India. It was in response to a question from an audience member, “What should you do if you believe that the feedback you received isn’t really true or not a reflection of reality?”.

I have seen this scenario play out hundreds of times when leaders and managers are given reports detailing feedback from their team members for the first time. For those who have always been in the position of “giving” feedback, “receiving” honest feedback can be very hard to swallow. Honest feedback is supposed to reveal personal facets that we were previously unaware of. Therefore, the true litmus test is when it leaves the feedback receiver at least slightly uncomfortable.

I have come to realize through my conversations with leaders and managers that the moment of reading the feedback can be an emotionally charged one. They recount experiencing feeling numb, shock, hurt and even helpless – words most commonly associated with grief.

I attended a session very recently with Marshall Goldsmith, where he advises, “When you receive feedback, smile and say Thank You”. In my opinion, to get to this stage with ease, the feedback receiver must first process the discomfort and move through the 5 stages of “Grief” - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

Denial: The most common immediate reaction to feedback that we don’t agree with, is to take the path of least resistance – Rejection. “This comment is from someone who has a personal vendetta against me”, “I don’t believe this person has interacted with me enough to know me”, “This is to be expected since I had to convey some tough decisions”. Very often managers or leaders close the chapter on feedback at this stage itself and continue as usual. It is only those that dwell upon what is being shared that can move through the next few stages before reaching Acceptance.

Anger: “Despite doing so much, they are still not appreciative of me”, “If he or she had any issues, why couldn’t they just speak to me face to face and resolve it earlier?”, “This generation is far too entitled. You give them real work to do and they immediately want to complain”. Sounds familiar? That’s Anger - another very natural response to feedback that leaves us feeling uncomfortable.

Bargaining:  At this point many leaders or managers are thinking of quick fixes to improve the feedback and not about addressing the real issues. “If only I had arranged for a team outing before the survey, it would have boosted their morale”, “Next time I should take this person out for a drink so he/she will rate me favourably.” Bargaining is very rarely a solution. Surely one cannot deny the possibility of the recency effect impacting the feedback giver. However, if one were to take a step back and objectively process what is being shared by multiple people, there will be an undeniable pattern emerging that would generally not be fixed through quick relationship building or an employee engagement activity.

Depression: “I had no idea that I am such a bad manager”, “I guess I am just not inspiring enough”, “I doubt if I can change at this stage in my life”. This is by far the most mentally and emotionally taxing stage. This is most commonly manifested by the manager or leader distancing themselves from the team, because they may have lost confidence in their ability to lead. The danger of staying in this stage for too long, is of the team noticing and realizing that honest feedback is doing more harm than good. This will dissuade them from openly sharing their views in the future, leaving you in a feel-good cocoon of “yes men and women” who don’t bring their authentic self to work.

Acceptance: To move past the first 4 stages, it is important to remind yourself that the feedback is based on the giver’s truth or experience. You may not have intended to be perceived that way, but that is how it was received or understood by the other person. There is therefore merit in exploring what messages you are inadvertently sending out through your behaviour and actions.

Today, collecting and sharing bottom up feedback with managers and leaders has become both simple and cost effective thanks to the myriad HR tech tools available in the market. But organizations owe it to their people to help their managers and leaders traverse this journey to the stage of acceptance. There is a “Manager Hotline” available at Mahindra & Mahindra Automotive & Farm Equipment Sectors that managers can access for coaching support from professional experts. The service is available 24x7 and can be used by all the managers across the organization.

A sensitively designed process of sharing the feedback with the managers must therefore draw on counselling and coaching techniques. It is important that managers and leaders understand that the feedback is not a comment on who they are or their values but a reflection of how they are being perceived based on their exhibited behaviour and actions. And people have an incredible capacity for change. There is always room for growth and development and a chance to become a great people manager who is both performance oriented and inspiring.