Literally, an exercise in futility

It was all going so well – until the faceplant.

This afternoon I had the opportunity to try speed skating for the first time. On real speed skates. On the Olympic Oval. In front of Olympic athletes, local media, fellow employees, and a rather loud group of elementary-age children who came out of nowhere to –?I personally believe – heckle me as I made my way around the ice.

For the record, I know how to skate. I’m actually pretty good at it. I’ve been doing it since I was five years old when I was dropped on the ice at Frank McCool Arena and told “go skate” by my father, who then proceeded out to the parking lot to have a smoke. That’s how kids learned new skills in the ‘70s.

So, yes, for nearly 50 years I’ve skated in rec hockey, competitive hockey, university fraternity league hockey, beer league hockey, skating-on-the-outdoor-rink-with-my-boys-at-Christmas hockey. But all that skating was on hockey skates. Speed skating is a whole other world.

By way of background, I was at the Olympic Oval on the campus of The University of Calgary this afternoon for Speed Skating Canada’s Second Annual Dash on Ice. The event featured current and retired athletes from Olympic and Paralympic sport, Special Olympics, Calgary Wild FC, Calgary Stampeders, the world of hockey, along with media personalities, and community leaders. And, well, me.

The real purpose of the event was to announce the event details and unveil the Canadian skaters that will compete in the ISU World Cup Speed Skating that will take place from Jan. 24-26 at the Oval. Twenty athletes will represent Canada on home ice at the third ISU World Cup competition of the season.

We were all there to meet the athletes, get fitted for skates and helmets, learn a few tips from the athlete coaches, and then compete as a four-person relay team in hopes of posting the fastest 400-metre time.

There were a couple of immediate learns. First, speed skates fit tight. They are supposed to, apparently. So, imagine the most uncomfortable ski boots you’ve ever worn and then put some blades on the bottom of them. That’s what slipping your foot into a speed skate feels like. Second, unlike hockey skates, there is no ankle support on a speed skate. None. Enough said.

Lastly, there are the blades. First, they’re long, like twice as long as a hockey skate blade. Second there are no edges on speed skates. There’s “an edge.” If you’re not on that edge, it feels like you’re skating on the dullest skates ever made.

But other than that –?as my athlete coach told me – it’s a lot like skating on hockey skates.

He wasn’t totally wrong. Once you get a handle of everything I’ve outlined above, you can make your way around the ice looking like a 54-year-old ex-hockey player. Or maybe a 74-year-old ex-hockey player; I haven’t seen the video footage yet.

Our team won our first race handedly, with me in the third position. This is easy, I thought. We’re well on our way to the finals I said to myself. After a short rest, we were up for the semi-final race. Once again, our second leg racer – Mark Arendz, a multiple para–Nordic Olympic medallist – provided me with a more than comfortable lead as I took off from the third position.

Four quick strides later, I found myself sliding Superman style down the ice. I had caught the toe of my skate blade, down I went, and with it our team’s dreams of making the finals.

“Are you hurt,” multiple folks asked me as I made my way back to the rest area.

“Just my pride,” I replied more times than I care to mention.

My speed skating career was over less than two laps around the Oval. After a quick team picture, I dropped my skates and helmet off, and headed back to the parking lot, with a wounded ego, but a newfound respect for our speed skaters.

I would strongly recommend taking in the ISU World Cup at the end of the month. Canada always has a strong speed skating team, and these athletes would love your support.

For more information on tickets please visit https://speedskating.ca/international-event/calgary2025/.