Listening:How our listening changes over time

Listening is an art that ?requires attention over talent, ?spirit over ego, others over self

How our listening changes over time? - When we are born, we are a world of possibility- pure and unbiased, a field of vast potentiality. As we start growing up, based on what we make out of our experiences and interactions with the world, we slowly start getting influenced. Our circumstances and experiences start impacting the way we look at life and relationships. We slowly start to get conditioned. This conditioning constrains us and we begin to operate from a limited identity, which we can relate to, and are comfortable with! ?‘This is me’ slowly starts becoming strong in us and also begins to impact our listening. As children, we listen from our unbiased stance. As we grow older, screens start screening our listening.

What are these Listening Screens? - Put simply, Listening Screens are our stances, belief systems, experiences, and interactions, which influence the interpretations, we give to events in our lives and how we ‘listen’ to ‘our’ world! ?These interpretations, in turn, determine how we respond, and therefore impact the results we achieve.?

The consequence of this kind of listening is a repetitive pattern of behavior in life leading to more of the same results. It also impacts the power in our actions as, an unconscious belief, is in control of our actions and merely changing action may not yield breakthrough results. ‘Screens’ cannot be called good or bad; they simply exist as a part of our internal conditioned circuitry! Also, eradication of these screens completely, may not be possible.

The power of the exercise, then, is to become aware that you are Actively imposing a screen in the way you ‘listen’ to life. The stranglehold of the Screens can thus be loosened through practicing awareness. Awareness gives you the power to choose your action!!

SCREEN 1: ‘It’s not possible!

1.1??What is possible for us is looked through the lens of the past, which is many a time limited and restrictive!

1.2??For example, in many organizations when the annual sales target is announced, many react from the screen of ‘It’s not possible!’ Some submissive subordinates who do not want to upset the boss may pretend to accept the same, but they internally do not believe that the targets can be achieved. ?Some disagree openly. Either way they are using the screen of “It’s not possible!”.

1.3??The point here is not whether the target is achievable or not, but that their reference point are the past sales figures which can be restrictive, limiting and more of the same.

1.4??Unless one recognizes that, new possibilities do not emerge, and the results are sub-optimal.

SCREEN 2: ‘I Already Know That’

2.1??Many adults are like wet sponges: full of their experiences, knowledge, and all that they know. ?There is a feeling of: “I- already-know-so-much- what-else-can-I–learn-now?”

2.2??This dismissive attitude makes any new learning difficult as the minds are already saturated with ‘I-know.’

SCREEN 3: Taking Everything Personally

3.1??Here one tends to take everything personally without verifying Facts or checking data.

3.2??Imagine a scenario where the boss calls his subordinate in the morning and asks her, “Can I see you for a minute?” Her first reaction to this question is ‘What does he want? Have I done something wrong?’ taking it personally and fearing the worst, though the boss may have just wanted the latest sales tax rate for Product ‘A’.

3.3??The Screen of Taking Everything Personally’ surfaces very commonly during the annual review or feedback from a peer or boss. Rather than objectively looking at what is being said, the person receiving the feedback could be taking things personally and losing out on the objectivity of the assessment!

SCREEN 4: Will I Be Accepted

4.1??A constant need for being accepted results in appearance of this unconscious screen of “Will I be accepted?” hovering in the background, which could lead to ‘people pleasing behaviors.

4.2??It could also be that we fear conflict and??so we try to be soft and non-confronting in our approach.

4.3??Sometimes in meetings people feel scared to raise their voices or express their opinions for the fear of being rejected, even though what they have to say is relevant and/or critical to the discussion.

4.4??The screen of ‘Will I be accepted?’ if applied continuously stifles a person’s individuality and he is labelled as someone not having an independent opinion.

SCREEN 5: Judging

5.1??We all have our opinions and judgments on everything. ?Sometimes these are loosely held opinions about some event or a particular community or person. At other times these are deeper running biases and prejudices based on our own experiences or those of others.

5.2??There is also a tendency to generalize and put labels on people. ?For e.g. My boss favors XYZ from my department, the production team on shop floor never listens; the sales team is always at loggerheads with the production team. Asians/ Europeans/Americans are like this etc. (An adjective describing a generalized statement)

5.3??Such judgments or screens stop us from looking at reality, as is, minus our judgments which could be partial preconceived notions and not totally true.

SCREEN 6: Looking for What Is Wrong

6.1??Human conditioning is such that one automatically tends to focus on what’s wrong; either with others, the situation or oneself. T

6.2??his can create a profound difference in our experience of reality around us.

Bottom Line: Look for what’s right too!

Three Level Listening- Most of the time our default way of listening makes us look only at the facts of what is being said. Two other levels are ignored viz. feelings and the underlying concern and commitment of the person speaking.

An example here could be that of a mother scolding her busy executive son for coming home late every day. On the surface listening will make the son focus on the mother scolding, a perceived lack of freedom given, and indignation and anger would result. Listening at the level of feeling would allow him to get in touch and acknowledge his mother’s irritation. A deeper level would make him see the concern, love, and commitment to his life.

The connectedness experienced from listening at three levels could change the track of the conversation completely

Listening is an art that ?requires attention over talent, ?spirit over ego, others over self