Listening: Why we forget and how to remember

You know the feeling. 

It’s Monday morning. You’re presenting to a group of eight, doing your best to keep the energy up across the ether, when, mid-flow, you realise you’ve lost four participants to (you suspect) their phones. And the two that are focused on the screen, look suspiciously like they’re multitasking. You do your best to keep people engaged, but you end the session feeling a bit deflated.

You’re part way through Tuesday. The person you’re speaking to has just interrupted with their disagreement long before you’ve reached your point. Another colleague responds with what appears to be a complete disregard of what you’d said, before asking you an overly difficult, suspiciously timed, question and has their eyes trained on you, waiting for your reply.

It’s Wednesday. You woke up with imposter syndrome. Despite a good dose of self-affirmation, something isn’t quite sitting right. You’re focusing on the person opposite but you’re strangely self-conscious and can't work out if they're taking notes or doodling. They stifle a yawn. You worry that you've lost their interest and try to make eye contact but don't know where to look.

These kinds of experiences are common, and can really affect our energy and our headspace. To make matters worse, paying attention ourselves doesn’t always come easy when we’re feeling low, so the more we experience the pains of others' distraction, the more we can end up distracted and struggle to give others the attention they deserve.

Suddenly, it’s Thursday, you're getting ready to let go of the week and you're lost somewhere between your mental to-do list and deciding what you’re going to have for dinner to go with your wine, when a word lands in front of you. It's your name. You notice eyes trained on you and realise that you haven’t heard any of the words that came before it. 

It’s Friday. Whether it was the coffee, the morning run, or the impending weekend, you are a force to be reckoned with! And, frankly, you don’t have time to waste. So why oh why is it taking so long for the person speaking to you to get to the point? It’s not like they’re teaching you anything you don’t already know! You interrupt once but that doesn’t go down well, so pop yourself on mute and get some real work done instead so you can finish on time.  

The science of listening

I was a couple of years into training as a therapist, and I’d just finished my coach accreditation, when I had a moment. 

It was with some discomfort that I realised I’d spent the previous 40 years not listening. If I’m completely honest, until that point, I'd believed that the more space I’d take up in a meeting, or at a party, the more I’d have contributed, and the better I'd have done. 

How had I made it through all shapes of management training, accreditation in change and programme management and a degree in leadership - I’m talking thousands of hours of learning - without being taught the incredible power and importance of listening? We were being prepared to support others through their careers, through their working relationships and through change, yet we didn’t explore what it means to be empathic and listen from a place of non-judgemental awareness. That strikes me as odd, now, especially given how hard this can be in the workplace, with all its hierarchies and habits. 

 “We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know." Carl Rogers

The physical act of hearing words, of understanding meaning, and of processing, are all important, but even when you add in eye contact, non-verbal cues, avoiding interrupting and timely responses, it's not enough. Yet sometimes we fail even on these basics. So what do we need to do differently?

The art of listening

The long overdue destigmatisation of therapy means that many of you will have experienced a counselling relationship. If this is the case, you’ll have sat in company with silence, explored feelings that you hadn’t realised were there, and have hopefully come face to face with your own unhelpful belief systems. This may have felt vulnerable and uncomfortable at times, but you'll have felt listened to and understood.

There are very different ideas out there about what makes counselling effective, but one common thread is empathy. The right therapist, coach or Listener (such as Samaritans) will step into your shoes and feel your pain, without judgement or bias, giving you space to find your own solutions. The dance that can happen in this space is best described as an art.

“Be as passionate about listening as you are about wanting to be heard” Brené Brown

Reminding ourselves how to listen

It can be a wonderful experience working with a coach or therapist to work through challenges and build confidence, but this isn't for everyone and listening shouldn't be reserved for these unique relationships. We need to listen to one another if we're to grow as individuals and as society.

Black Lives Matter, the #metoo movement and whistleblowing across industries are just a few pieces of evidence that we haven't been listening. And now is the time for us to start.

Yet, here we are, all starved of human contact, the new normal of staring at people staring at a screen, the uncertainty lurking around every corner; it’s a recipe for discomfort, and a lot of people will be facing a lot of demons. On top of all that, we might be less inclined to reach out to others for support as we’re aware they’re going through hard times too. It's totally understandable that we might forget to listen and inadvertently perpetuate a culture of thinking fast and listening less and, in doing so, we make things a little bit less comfortable and safe for ourselves and each other.

You can be sure that at least one person you’re going to speak to today needs your support, and a little compassion could go a long way. You can be equally sure that at least one person today has something to teach you.

So, here are a few things you can try, which should help you to make sure you’re listening at a time when it’s more important than ever.

One: Develop deeper listening. Buddy up with someone and play a listening game. Take turns to be the person listening for ten minutes. Set an alarm to ensure you do the full ten minutes, but don’t go over. Then you swap over. No questions. No interruptions. Notice how it feels when you’re the person doing the talking, verses when you’re the person listening. Try it with different people.

Two: Practice patience. Give people space to speak. Notice when you're inclined to interrupt others and try to hold back. Stepping in to support someone with something they’re struggling to articulate can be helpful, especially if they've got themselves stuck on a bit of a loop. However, there’s never a good reason to do this without kindness and if you’ve been truly listening, you’ll know what’s right.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dali Lama 

Three: Notice differences. Next time you’re on a Zoom with a number of people, take a moment to register everyone in the room. In which ways are they like you, in which ways are they different? What do those differences mean to you? How might their experience of the current situation differ to yours?

Four: Be mindful. Being mindful can be as simple as taking a moment to notice the details of the present moment and distinguishing the facts from your own reactions. Simple, but not always easy. Meditation can help with this. By learning to stop following unhelpful thoughts, we can focus instead on what's real (including the people in front of us). Try just ten minutes a day for at least six days a week, for six weeks, and see what happens.

Thank you for listening.