Listening to Understand vs Respond

In the process of developing Coaching as a skill we might often be tempted to launch straight in to giving solutions.

One of the first things in Coaching certifications that is taught is to purely listen or rather actively listen. Knowing the difference between listening to respond or listening to understand is a differentiator if not a game changer. Those of us who are good listeners - will become better Coaches.

In our day to day lives with partners, children or team mates we hear a lot of things. If someone were to come to you with a problem - consider yourself lucky. They consider you an unbiased person or a person who could give you an answer to their problem. Someone that can be trusted!

Often we launch in to detailing our problems knowing fully well the solution. Sometimes we simply want to let out our frustration and be heard - "letting of some steam".

Arguments between couples arise because often we want to be heard and not responded to. It is a skill to listen to understand and not to respond. It is our human nature to give someone a response to a problem.

Next time you launch off in to detailing your problem to your favourite person - ask yourself the question - do I want to be heard? Or do I need a solution? Mention this upfront before you start explaining your frustration.

Next time someone starts detailing a problem or a frustration - ask the person if they want to be heard or are they looking to you to help them find a solution.

Personally I love listening to understand versus trying to find a solution or rather to "respond". I find that listening to understand helps you hear how the mind of a person works in an unbiased manner. We all struggle with frustration and meet challenges in different ways. It is a gift to hear someone else vent their frustration - making you feel more human and humbled to be a sounding board for someone.

Tips for Listening to Understand:

1. Empathize with the person - mirror their emotion and say words like "that sounds frustrating", "this must be hard for you", "let me know what I can do for you".
2. Actively listen - nod, smile, give your undivided attention (put your phone away, turn the TV off)
3. Find an environment where others wont intrude or overhear the conversation.
4. Shake off the feeling at the end - often negativity can be transferred and the person could as a result of high emotion say things that they do not mean - perhaps about other people that you may know. Understand that people often want to be heard, to feel that they are not alone. Not every negative thought that we have is true. Listen to music, read a book or go for a walk and remove the information from your mind. It does not need to occupy space in your mind.

There is a risk in co-creating a solution for someone - it could work - it might not. They might consider you someone who doesn't give good advice. Often people leave out important parts of a problem when they detail them, ensure that you ask probing questions to understand the problem before you prescribe the cure.

Tips for Listening to Respond

1. Never make decisions when you are either high or low on emotions - try to bring the person to a calm or neutral emotion. Wait for them to calm down before trying to illicit or find solutions. Decisions made in anger are never the best kind.
2. Are you ready to listen? Maybe you aren't in the mind space to work on someone else's problem? Check-in on yourself to make sure that you are ready mentally to have this conversation. If you aren't simply reschedule to a time and space that you can.
3. Inculcate tips from "Listening to Understand" from above. :)
4. With their permission take down notes - you can always destroy or hand the notes back to the person after the conversation is over. Note taking is a critical tool which helps you listen to what is heard. Most often we start responding in our head before the person has even finished their sentence. This means that we could miss out on important details.
5. Ask the person how this situation makes them feel.
6. Ask the person when did this problem first begin, for how long has this problem been going on?
7. What kind of solution would they like? How would they know that this problem is gone?
8. Ensure that you have understood the view points of all parties involved. Knowing that you are hearing on only side of the story. They say there are 3 sides to every story, your side, their side and the truth. :)
9. What steps do they need to take to get a positive outcome?
10. Will anyone be impacted by any of these steps in a negative way?
11. Once they are calm - ask them to see the problem from the view point of the other parties. Looking at the problem from multiple facets is important.

Next time someone sits down to let out their frustration - ask the question - do you want to to listen to understand or do you need me to help you find a solution? Being able to listen is a critical skill in communication that will propel your personal and professional relationships.