Listening as a superpower: how to build trust and increase your influence

There are some things we do so often, so early on in life, they are taken for granted.? Walking, talking, typing on different keyboards are so mundane that they don’t feature in conversation.? Listening usually falls into that category.? Outside of training in communication and coaching, it doesn’t usually get a mention (except in arguments – ‘You’re not listening to me!’).

Coaches, more than most, explicitly focus on listening.? Alongside asking questions, it’s one of the fundamental skills for this discipline.? Being able to listen attentively underpins coaching effectiveness, to understand what somebody is really experiencing. ?It’s our way to make sense of what is happening for that person – our north star.?

So, as a coach, I believed I had a strong appreciation of the power of listening.

Or at least, I thought I did until I started reading more research on listening.? Now I believe it’s practically a superpower.

Some leading benefits referenced by Guy Itzchakov and S.Christian Wheeler [1] featured in their article are:

• People like you more if you listen to them: ?listening leads others to form more positive impressions of the listener. ??Liking is strongly linked to greater influence in multiple studies – see Robert Cialdini and Steve Martin’s books [2].?
• People trust you more:? good listeners are also seen as more trustworthy
• As a consequence of being trusted more, leaders received more commitment from their team members in their ultimate decisions if they were considered good listeners.
• Good listeners exert greater social influence. Attentive and active listeners are viewed as more influential and as being better able to influence others and to build coalitions.? Even controlling for better presentation skills within the sample, this still held true.
• Listening to more people correlates with greater influence: ?the most influential agents within the networks were those who listened to a substantial number of others.
• When you listen fully to people, they are more open to changing their mind. Listening is a powerful tool for reducing defensiveness and opening the person to change.

If you want:

People to like you more;

People to trust you more;

To influence people more;

To get people to change their opinion

Then listen more.

What’s behind this – why is it so powerful?

It appears that good listeners lower social anxiety in the people they’re talking to.? Speakers feel calmer, become less defensive and relax into the conversation.?

I notice this during interviews with leaders when gathering information early on in a project.? When the interview is more conversational, the quality and depth of discussion increases.? Individuals open up and talk more candidly about topics, becoming less guarded even on controversial topics.?

I remember one leader describing the effect of the hugely demanding objectives him and his team had been set year after year, which they failed to meet. “We’re always in the zone of disappointment”, he said, sounding depressed, towards the end of an interview. This led to a longer discussion of why this was the case, and the overall culture of the Executive Board he reported to, and what needed to change.

This level of insight and honesty only usually surfaces when people feel listened to.?It brings up the underlying problems that are often hidden.? ?

Who can use this and when??

All of us and especially leaders of all sorts, for instance in these specific situations:

• ?A new project team where trust needs to be built quickly, so they can start working effectively together;?
• When you’re new to a company and trying to build your influence within established networks you don’t know much about;
• When you need to get commitment for a task or project from another person;
• When you have a program with the goal of changing behaviours in a group;
• When you’re trying to sell something – an idea, a service, a product.? ‘Sales people who listen well, sell more’ according to a meta-analysis of 16 studies across almost 4000 people [3]

How to listen well

Tips from Charles Duhigg in his recent book, Supercommunicators: [4]

1.???? ‘Looping for understanding’ - listening to build psychological safety

Widely regarded as the most important factor in team performance following Google’s comprehensive study (project Aristotle), members of psychologically safe teams trust each other implicitly.? They are open about issues and their motivations.

Duhigg recommends a specific 3 step approach to listening called ”looping for understanding” to build this safety.

-?????? Listen carefully until someone has clearly finished speaking;

-?????? Repeat back to them what you have understood in your own words;

-?????? Ask them if you got it right – “looping for understanding”

People often do the first two steps but miss out the third, which reduces overall effectiveness.? Verifying what the speaker said reassures them you were really listening – or at least gives them a chance to set you straight.?

Duhigg points out that the speaker may believe that you’re paying attention, but this proves you are because you were able to summarise it back to them.

Ruth Giradet, a leadership coach and moderator, agrees in a recent a Financial Times article [5]:

“Asking questions of understanding is immensely helpful, especially asking people to clarify their understanding of common terms.? I’m constantly amazed how people make assumptions of shared understanding about common terms like ‘urgency’ or ‘violence’

2.???? Use Reciprocation as part of conversation

When you’re listening, and the speaker mentions something that resonates with a shared experience that you had too, highlight it in response.

“You like living in this area because it’s got great cafes and atmosphere?? Us too - we moved house because we wanted that lively buzz.”

?Reciprocating is a widespread behaviour across cultures [6] Cialdini/Martin, and vulnerability is well proven to connect us to others.?It demonstrates you have been listening because you’ve understood their feelings on a subject.?It builds connections – and again demonstrates you’ve been really listening.

Listening is an underrated skill that can really help you at many stages in a project.?

In Agile and Design Thinking, we use it early on to interview users and gauge what they are really feeling about a topic.? At the end of a sprint we get feedback from users and stakeholders about the prototype we’ve developed, we need to listen carefully to appreciate what's working and what needs to change. And finally during the retrospective – when the team discusses things that went well, and what we want to change. This includes hearing from everybody in the team and not just the more vocal members.

Next time you’re sitting across from your manager or your team members and wondering how to get them bought into your project, just listen.?

Not passively - ask questions to dig deeper, check you’ve understood what’s been said, and share your experiences if relevant.? ?Then notice any difference and see if it works for you - it should!

References:

[1] Guy Itzchakov and S.Christian Wheeler:? Listen to this: Why consumer behavior researchers should care about listening https://myscp.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/arcp.1092

[2] Guy Itzchakov and S.Christian Wheeler:? Listen to this: Why consumer behavior researchers should care about listening https://myscp.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/arcp.1092

[3] R. Cialdini:? Influence:? The psychology of persuasion,

R.Cialdini, S.Martin, N. J. Goldstein , Yes! 50 scientifically proven ways to be persuasive

[4) Charles J Duhigg:? Supercommunicators: How to unlock the secret language of connection

[5] FT Working It:? Isabel Berwick:? How to listen to colleagues — even when you disagree?

https://www.ft.com/content/f2f75434-0dda-4429-aed3-7247d8a6e260?emailId=d2353e3a-b311-49c5-99eb-58063d7910cc&segmentId=4ac5fc7a-13e5-1426-7f6e-175b1a33d42f?

[6] R. Cialdini:? Influence:? The psychology of persuasion,

R.Cialdini, S.Martin, N. J. Goldstein , Yes! 50 scientifically proven ways to be persuasive