LISTENING : THE ‘SIGNIFICANT OTHER’ IN COMMUNICATION (updated Aug 2020)

It was in the early 2000s during a ‘Leadership journey program’ in Disney that one of my colleagues pulled me aside and chided me for interrupting her and others in the course of a group discussion. She told me that she saw in me a lot of the essential ingredients to be a good leader. However, my eagerness to speak (and by corollary, ‘not listen enough’) had the potential to derail or at least delay my quest.

Thank you, @Jane Horan. You may or may not remember this incident – it is a very powerful lesson that stayed with me.

Well, did it stay with me? I made a conscious effort to improve and thought I had improved tremendously….until a few years later, during the course of a one on one conversation, I was tapped on the shoulder by a colleague on the leadership team who said something like “Raju, I value your inputs and trust you as a colleague. One request though – humour me a little more. I can see that you ‘get it’ very quickly when I start to say something. However, don’t finish my sentences. Just allow me to finish expressing my thoughts”.

He was so kind to me, with the way he put it. Thank you Mark Coleman. I thought I was demonstrating my engagement when, actually, I was being a tad impatient.

Feedback like this was very useful for me as I honed my listening skills as part of my efforts to become a more effective and impactful leader. And my ‘decently developed’ listening skills have also enabled me, among others, to be an effective negotiator. And more recently, is essential in my current avatar as an Executive Coach, a Career Coach & a Corporate Educator.

Listening is the missing half (‘significant other’) of communication especially with so much distraction and interruption going on. We take listening for granted – as something easy and natural but real listening needs to be learnt and practiced every day.

Own the power of that pause. Instead of jumping on to the next bit of conversation, wait for just a slight moment, maybe a second or two, to make sure that the other person has had the chance to finish his/her thought process.

Food for thought: There are plenty of training courses on how to speak well in public, but practically none on how to listen properly to others.

WHY LISTEN?

1.?????It helps us understand the other’s point of view. Leadership is an exercise in influence. How can you influence if you do not make an effort to understand the mind of those you seek to influence?

Good listening involves picking up the subtle signals that you would otherwise miss. It involves reading between the lines and paying attention to the way something is said or the context in which those words are spoken.

When we only pay attention to someone’s words and are unable to pick up their true intent — what do they mean, what are they trying to express, what hasn’t been said — we miss out on a large part of communication and this can result in misunderstandings and mis-alignment of expectations.

2.?????The feeling of being really listened to is a fast track to connecting with people. It helps us connect, build rapport with other people, more especially during stressful times such as the current situation caused by the Covid-19 pandemic. When people feel like they’re being listened to, they feel valued and it shows that we care, thus laying the groundwork for trust. And when a team is connected, it moves?as a team?and not as a group of individuals. Trust is the grease for changing minds and listening is the key.

We often think of miscommunication as an issue with either our content or its delivery & if we could tweak it, our message would be more effective. But that presupposes that we view our counterparts as an audience, not as collaborators.

3.?????It makes it more likely that the other person is going to listen to us when we speak. Because listening is the best compliment you can pay someone. Listening shows respect and empathy for other people, thus boosting their sense of identity.

“Listening is a way of offering others our scarcest, most precious gift: our attention. Once we’ve demonstrated that we care about them and their goals, they’re more willing to listen to us.”― Adam M. Grant

4. Due to the unprecedented challenges caused by Covid-19, more often than not, individual team members’ capabilities may not be sufficient and leaders may have to join them actively in problem-solving. For this, leaders need to listen to the nuance & the subtlety of the messages their people are conveying. Listening only to their words and their overt expressions will be inadequate in the search for solutions.

5.?????Finally, listening to others, and listening well, is important for our?personal development?because it allows us to learn and expand our horizon. I’ve found that listening, closely to an opposing view deepens my insight and many times, it helps to sharpen my arguments. Listening well allows you to pick up on details you might have otherwise missed, not to mention aiding you to ask better questions when appropriate

Have you ever stopped to evaluate your own listening skills?

You may not be so fortunate (to receive feedback) as I was and unknown to you, your ‘less-than-developed’ listening skills might be curtailing the impact you can otherwise achieve – in both your personal (yes...personal life too) and professional life.

What are your unproductive listening habits? Think about it.?

·??????Do you interject often?

·??????Do you play with pens (or paperweights!) rather than paying attention when others are?talking?

·??????Do you often interrupt with your own stories?

·??????Do you have the tendency to finish other people’s sentences for them?

·??????Do you make negative gestures or movements (like shaking your head or pursing your lips) so your body language makes the other person think you were constantly saying, No!

·??????Or are you frequently looking at your phone or tablet while someone is talking – either over-estimating your multi-tasking skills or as if to you want to say, aren’t you through yet or what you are saying is not important?

Let me confess that to this day, even as I continue to work to improve my listening skills, I occasionally catch myself being less than attentive. If we’re conscious of it and realize that it diminishes our ability to get things done, build relationships and be effective team members and leaders, then we will be less likely to lapse into it.

Why Don’t We Listen?

While being a good listener is certainly important for getting by in the world, for the quality of our relationships with others and for our own development, it likely doesn’t come naturally for most of us.

Some of the key reasons we do not listen well are:

·??????Self-absorption:?A “me-centered” attitude

·??????Know-it-all attitude:?“We’ve got it all figured out”

·??????Distraction:?No shortage of distractions, with a smartphone/tablet always at arm’s reach

·??????Overestimating our listening skills:?and multi-tasking

·??????Waiting for our turn to speak: It’s extremely hard not to make this listening mistake; it’s natural to want to be prepared, sound smart, give good advice, have something valuable to contribute to the conversation. But we can still do those things effectively without planning our response before the speaker has finished.

·??????Jumping in to give advice: This is a much subtler bad listening habit. If a friend is telling you about a problem he or she is having, it’s only natural to want to say something that will help. If I try to give advice immediately, I might be shifting the focus back to my own thoughts and feelings – about what?I?would do in that situation and how?I?would feel. This doesn’t mean you should never give advice; if you have something valuable to offer, you very well should. However, you don’t need to rush into it. Listen fully, attentively and empathetically, keeping your focus on the other’s thoughts and feelings before offering your advice. As they say, listen with your ears (of course), eyes (watch for non-conforming body language) and heart (try to understand why they are saying what they are saying)

Action Plan for listening actively

Listening is a skill that requires a combination of habit and technique, with constant practice to keep up. William Ury advices thus:

?a.?????In ordinary listening – we hear words and think - Where do I agree? disagree? How am I going to rebut /respond? In other words, the spotlight is on us.

b.?????In genuine listening, we tune into the other’s wavelength, we listen not just for what is being said but also for what is left unsaid, we listen not just to the words but for what might be the underlying needs and beliefs behind the words. Noticing nonverbal cues and their congruence with the words being spoken is a key attribute of a genuine listener. in short, Genuine Listening is three-dimensional. It's about what you

• hear (ears)
• see (eyes)
• and sense (heart)

Of course, while non verbal cues can be of plenty of value, it is important for us to learn to interpret them well and keeping the context in mind.

It's one thing to let others talk and quite another to listen with intent & interest. Even in tough business negotiations, as William Ury says, LISTENING may well be the cheapest concession you can make as a negotiator. It costs nothing and means everything to the other party.

Specific listening techniques that I have learnt & use with great success:

?·??????I remind myself that the other party will naturally think they are right (even where I “know”?? they are wrong). So, I allow the other side to have their say. I aim to have UPR i.e. unconditional positive regard for the other party - so that am not judging as they are speaking. [BELIEVE ME, THIS IS BLOODY TOUGH!!!!!]. This helps me better understand where they are coming from. When I interrupt, not only do I cut short the learning experience, I risk alienating my conversation partner.

·??????I take copious notes. It helps gain time for thinking, it conveys my interest in what they are saying and helps me minimise errors and omissions. It also lets me jot down my questions for later so that I don’t interrupt the conversational flow. This act also helps me suspend judgement while listening and to focus on them. Of course, I try and balance the need to take notes with maintaining eye contact - by now, I've learnt to do both with ease.

·??????While I have a list of questions that I had prepared (in advance) to ask, some of them may be struck off and some fresh ones may have to be added as a result of listening to them. The deeper the questions, the deeper the listening and the deeper the listening, the deeper the next question. Of course, the other party shouldn't feel interrogated. So, I try and convey to them both through choice of words and tone of voice, that I simply want to better understand them and their situation.

·??????From time to time, I summarise/paraphrase what I heard in order and ask them to confirm (or correct) what I have understood. I use phrases like (a) In other words, did you mean…? (b) Did you mean…? (c) I think what I am hearing you say is…?

·??????I like to acknowledge the counterparty’s point of view, by nodding my head and an occasional “hmmm” (conveying I hear you).

·????????I try & be conscious not to fold my arms. This action can be a subconscious effort to comfort my own anxiety, but it signals to the other person that I’m defensive or closed off from communication. (& then there are various cultural nuances...)

·????????I ask follow up and clarifying questions prefaced with: “What I’m hearing is…” and “Help me understand this.” or followed by something like "Did I understand you correctly?" If I do have something?to share, I try and seek their permission by saying something like - "May I share something that has worked for me in similar situations? It may or may not help you, but I hope it does."?This asking permission gives a sense of control to the other person, making them more open to hear what I have to say.

?I’d love for you, the reader, to add more tips re: what has worked well for and enabled you to listen well. Of course, any other comments as well. Wish you well in keeping your listening muscle in shape.

?“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening?when you'd have preferred to talk.” Doug Larson

?About the author:

Based in Singapore, Raju Venkataraman is an executive coach, career consultant and leadership trainer & he has set up Ecsel Consulting Private Limited. This follows a successful & fulfilling corporate career including several years as a C-Suite leader with The Walt Disney Company in the Asia-Pac region.?He travels in the region for coaching and training assignments. Raju leverages his rich business experience for:

• ?helping senior executives from various organisations, grow in their career journey, with 1-0n-1?executive coaching and 1-on-1 career management advice
• ?conducting?training workshops in Singapore & abroad, for leaders & managers?(for MBA students too) on Negotiation Skills, Leadership Agility?& Accountability, Strategic CFO, Business Model Innovation, Being a Trusted Business Advisor, Hone your Business Acumen, Pro-active Career Management, Influencing without Authority, Corporate Navigation using your Political acumen, New Manager Essentials & similar topics

Please feel free to contact Raju Venkataraman at [email protected]