On Listening

When I started Multitudes, the project was deeply connected to my coaching practice. I felt it was necessary to commit to a form of writing as a testimony. It was not meant to be a journal, but rather a song to be sung along the way, reassuring me when I was alone and at night.

Multitudes is the song that I sing along my journey.

While coaching, I am playing with my own identity. I do this by revisiting and raising awareness of some of my taken-for-granted habits. That involves directly my relationships with the other person: How do I listen? How do I ask questions? How much space do I physically occupy in a conversation?

Do I simply hear or do I listen??

Finding the Correct Listening Posture

The primary aspect that I am questioning concerns my listening posture. As a coach, I must constantly question my listening skills. How do I embody the listener's posture? Am I leaving enough room for my client? Is s/he the focal point of my attention?

I love thinking of coaching’s superpower as the capacity to stay present without occupying the center of the conversation, adjusting one's physical presence to leave enough space for the other person.

Jamil Zaki calls such a listener a "looper."

A looper asks a question, gives the other person time to answer, and then paraphrases what they’ve heard, following up with a phrase like, “Is that right?” or “What else am I missing?” This process repeats until both people agree on what one of them is experiencing.

This reminds me of my mother tongue Italian. From my early childhood, I immediately understood the distinction between listening and hearing. 'Mi senti?' was the phrase I listened to in order to solicit the attention of my interlocutor. Curiously, the verb 'sentire' is translated into English as the verb listen but also as the verb 'feel’. When we are actively listening we unleash our capacity to feel the other person.?

Are you listening to me? Are you feeling me?

This posture encapsulates the compelling distinction between perspective-taking and perspective-getting that I recently discovered. As Tal Eyal, Mary Steffel, and Nicholas Epley argued, the perspective-taking posture has several benefits. However, perspective-taking can be flawed because we might end up with an idea of how we would feel in someone else’s situation, but not how they actually feel. Despite our good intentions, we are biased by our inability to accurately take another person’s perspective.

On the other hand, perspective-getting involves using questions and active listening to understand someone else’s feelings. This is where looping and other listening techniques facilitate the perspective-getting process by gathering information that deepens our understanding. Perspective-getting makes the other person feel ‘heard’.?

Listening is a powerful tool in coaching, and not surprisingly, it involves the whole body. It relies on eye contact and devoted attention. It is an intentional act and therefore a powerful one.?

Yes, listening is an intentional act. An active posture rather than a passive one. As a result, it takes time and some effort to listen. However, it’s incredibly rewarding.??

What are your favorite listening techniques? What is your listening posture?

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My name is Matteo. As all of you, I contain multitudes.

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Matteo