Listening is the Key to a Better Conversation
Have you ever felt lost during a conversation? Did you run out of topics? Did you feel you couldn’t express yourself well?
If you are not a conversation specialist (like me), then the answer to all those questions would be yes.
But being good at conversation is an essential skill. It would help everywhere, from understanding to raising salary or closing a deal. It helps to connect with people. But most of us are too spontaneous to express ourselves. A conversation doesn’t reach full potency or the possibility of more fun. Keeping up with conversation is hard because we fail to listen with constant interest.
Previously, during the conversation, I used to think- this person is talking too much, they should stop. Maybe they are manipulating.
I tried to predict the ending or stop them between words. But I realized I was wrong when one of my very close friends did the same thing to me.
Talking is fine, but when you let the other person talk and listen actively, the conversation becomes exciting and gives the conversation a motion. On the other hand, when you listen and prepare questions or reply, you are not listening at all. It leads to miscommunication or creates awkward silence.
The conversation is a two-way exercise. You’ve to pay interest to fuel up the conversion. What are their priorities? What pressures are they facing? What motivates them?
Showing interest not only makes conversation fluent but also develops good connections. Listening is an easy way to have a good conversation.
Dale Carnegie mentioned it in “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” He met a botanist at a dinner party. The botanist talked to him for hours and ignored everyone else. At the end of the party, the botanist complimented the writer as “most interesting conversationalist.” And Dale Carnegie writes, and I quote,
“The botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments. I was “most stimulating.” I was this and I was that, and he ended by saying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.” An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had said hardly anything at all. I couldn’t have said anything?…. But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it.”
I was a terrible listener. I could never keep up even in earnest conversation from teachers to friends to girlfriends to bosses. I tried Google to be a better listener. Most of the article says
I practiced that so many times. I thought I was doing ok. Also, I started to notice what other people do when I speak. I noticed a different personality. I don’t feel connected when someone repeats what I said along this path.
In this world of smartphones, ways of active listening have changed a bit. Being silent, saying hmm, or repeating doesn’t reflect actively listening. Of course, facial expressions, body language gestures are signs of listening. But to understand the other person’s emotions, acknowledging their pain-pleasure, or showing support in a non-judgmental way needs involvement.
Here are four tips for active listening.
1. Ask questions periodically.
Active listening is much more than being silent. Without interrupting the speaker, ask questions.
Asking gives you clarity about what they are saying. Asking more details helps to understand them, showing you are interested. But it would help if you were careful of what you ask. Don’t ask questions that force the speaker to change the entire discussion. Aim to give them enthusiasm, nothing else.
When you are not showing interest, you miss the necessary signals to take the conversation to the next level. Best listeners ask questions to promote Discovery. So instead of staying silent or talking about yourself, listen attentively. And ask questions.
You will find tons of hidden topics. That’s what you need to make the conversation deeper.
How to?apply:
The next time you are in a meaningful conversation, don’t let the opportunity of asking a question slip by. When someone is talking, ask follow-up questions and ask to explain. Get clarification. Ask for examples. It will help you to get to the exciting stuff.
2. Be supportive while listening.
A good listener provides support to the speaker instead of judgment. It helps the other person to feel safe discussing their issues and concerns. Support is listening or being there for that person.
Notice any uncommon behavior and ask about them. Noticing and asking about others’ wellbeing nurtures self-esteem. Good listeners make other people feel supported and deliver positivity.
Good listening creates a safe environment for discussing other people’s issues.
Avoid comparing them with others.
Like “Sam had the same problem you are facing, but he tackled it….”
Every person is different. Stay concerned about it.
Also, avoid “you always do….” statements.
That makes a person feel judged and criticized. You don’t want to be judged when facing odds and need support. Instead, be curious, and pretend you don’t know anything and are eager to listen to their experiences.
Offer a safe environment where we can discuss issues and problems openly. Be relaxed. You don’t want them to feel like you are investigating their life.
How to?apply:
It would be best if you started with “I have noticed that?……… I am happy to talk or listen and see if I can help.”
or
“I am a bit worried about you, I have noticed?……. How are things?
3. Listen, don’t?debate.
Do you listen to understand or fix errors? A good listener or conversationalist listens to understand.
It’s very frustrating when trying to make a point, but the listener keeps interrupting you. It is a conversation killer.
A good listener lets another person complete their talk without unnecessary interruption. Also, he is not impatient about showing errors or arguments.
The constant desire to prove you are right kills the urge to share their words.
How to?apply:
Next time someone makes their opinion, even if they are trying to argue, keep calm and listen. Listen to understand, not to respond. Try to Understand and show interest to know their side of the story. It can be helpful to see things from different perspectives and their pain points. Once you understand, you learn, and you can also make your argument stronger.
Listening only to identify errors may make you a good debater, but it isn’t a good listener. Being listened to is much better than winning an argument. You may disagree, but the other person should feel like you are trying to help above anything.
Good listeners are like a cold breeze after a sunny day. The speaker feels refreshed, and that leads to a better conversation.
In today’s fast-paced world, if you develop the habit of empathetic listening, people will acknowledge you.
Not all conversations need the highest level of active listening. You can get better at the following conversation quickly following these tips.
In a?nutshell