Listening with intent

A Dutch version of this article can be found at https://bit.ly/2ukRxAQ

In this age of digitization and digital transformation, it is important for knowledge workers and other professionals to continue to develop and distinguish themselves with skills that are complementary to automation and digitization - the so-called 21st century skills. Listening is one of these skills. Listening allows you to make a connection with the other person. To get to know their needs. It builds trust because it feels good when someone listens to you. To just get it of your chest. Just listening to understand. But more often than not, I believe we are listening to respond. What can you to further develop your listening skills?

Classical listening

"Are you actually listening to what I am saying?" - have you ever received that question? I did. And quite honestly my answer has been no at times... Experience from GSB Comms, an English communication and training agency, shows that there are different levels of listening:

Ignore – this is the lowest form of contact. You do hear something, but you simply ignore the sound(s). You may have tried this with your children. Or if you are called on but are busy with something else. The result is no attention for the person who wants to talk to you.

Pretend – here you do listen, but without actually processing what you hear. It is that moment when someone talks to you, then asks you a question and the only thing you can think of is "ehh ... what did you say again?" or "oops, caught". So you listen to someone while continuing your own string of thoughts and / or activities. The result again is no attention.

Selective listening – I initially thought of cherry picking or only hearing what you want to hear, but GSB Comms meant checking in and out on a conversation, because the other person just talks and talks and talks. So sometimes you listen to the story and sometimes not at all. The result remains that your attention is not there and you therefore make no connection with the other.

Attentive listening – if I listen carefully, I stop what I am doing and my focus and attention is on you.

Core problem

So that is it, then? Just practice attentive listening. Well no. Not quite. Because there is a problem. Communication is the conversion of thoughts into language. And by definition that leads to noise. Noise when sending the message and noise in receiving the message. As for both, 3 filters are active: deleting, generalizing and distorting. And those filters work for everyone in their own unique way. They depend, among other things, on your beliefs, what you find important, and your memories and previous experiences.

So the moment you tell me something your thoughts have gone through these filters. And I also receive your message through my filters. The key question then is of course: did I hear what you meant? And perhaps even more important: have I heard what you did not say? Just ask someone about their weekend and there is big chance that you will get an "oh, okay" back. Or the always effective (and very avoidant) "fine".

And as if that is not enough, we regularly commit offenses while listening, which ultimately shows we did not listen with intent. According to GSB Comms, the most dominant forms are the following.

"people who are like each other tend to like each other." - David Shephard

6 successful ways to not listening

Cross-examination or 3rd degree - this happens when you tell a story, but you are constantly interrupted by questions. Preferably directional questions, derailing your own story. For example:

"I recently went to London for a weekend ...."

“Oh, how nice, and have you seen the Crown Jewels? Have you been to Buckingham Palace? You did shop on Oxford Street, right? Have you been to a show yet? " - and between questions you only get the chance to respond briefly. It is very likely that such a conversation stops or ceases.

Judging - you do listen, but you have made up your mind already or have an opinion about what is being said. Usually you express that non-verbally. Since you cannot not-communicate, the other person will pick it up and may therefore be less open to you or stop talking.

Hijacking - every experienced the following? You start telling about your vacation and within two sentences it is about the vacation of your counterpart. And you are left stranded. I have gotten feedback in the past that I am better at this than I would like to.

Assuming - this is also one I am better at than I intend to: I say what I think the other person will say. Finishing each other's sentences may work sometimes, but there are times I am just wrong. And I get told I am wrong. And with that I send a message to the other person that I am not listening to understand, but listening to respond.

Advising - this is the all so familiar "do you know what you should do?" or "oh, but you just have to ... x ...". Research among knowledge workers evidenced that they often already advise when the conversation was only 20% under way. So before you even understand half of what the other person was talking about, you start advising. How would you feel if that happened to you?

Distraction - you probably have seen this too: you are talking to someone, but they look over your shoulder at other people. Or glance at their phone, covertly or very overtly. It just sends out the signal: I only listen half to what you are saying.

How to become better listeners?

One of my NLP mentors, David Shephard, always says "people who are like each other tend to like each other." To really listen and listen with intent you must have rapport. There must be that familiar feeling, some level of trust, because otherwise nothing happens. And the quickest way to get rapport is by empathic listening: respect another persons’ model of the world. Respect is taking as it is without judgment. I am not saying accepting as true, or accepting without question, not disagreeing or agreeing, but simply taking it for what it is. Only then will there be room to exchange ideas and suggestions.

In practice, a number of steps appear to accelerate this process (based on the SEEDS approach of GBS Comms):

Step 1 - don't say anything. People find silence quite difficult, so we have a tendency to speak. But when you are quiet, you also give the other person an opportunity to straighten their thoughts and tell you more.

Step 2 - encourage. If you have just attended the concert of your life and you tell about it, complete silence is not the response you were looking for. But if you are in dire straits, then too much energy is not good either. What matters is that you invite the other person - non-verbally - to continue telling. A facial expression can already be enough.

Step 3 - explore and connect. This is the step in which you help the other person to organize and shape thoughts by asking questions, by summarizing and by telling something about yourself.

Step 4 - express. Perhaps the most challenging step, but name the feeling the story of the other evokes in you. Trust your unconscious. It offers the other person the possibility to bind even more with you, but also offers you the possibility to calibrate if you are thinking in the right direction.

What if?

If you apply the above steps in your communication, your conversations will gain in depth and confidence in you as a person will increase. It enables you to provide someone with better suggestions and advice. And subsequently enables you to have even more impact yourself. And perhaps the best thing is you grow as a person, because you learn more about how others view the world.

Guido Klüth is Certified Trainer of NLP and helps knowledge workers create a limitless life and develop the unthinkable by helping them get control of their time and their mental focus.

The opinions or views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily express the views or opinions of KPMG.