Listening Is Not = Hearing... and Why Understanding the Difference Matters So Much
Auto mechanics don’t see what I see when we’re both looking at the same motor. Professional foresters don’t see what I see when we’re both walking through the same forest. The difference? They have distinctions in the domains of auto mechanics and forestry that I don’t have. And those distinctions enable them to see what I don’t see and therefore do what I can’t do… in those domains. We see with our eyes, but we observe through our distinctions!
In my work, I’m pleased to offer distinctions not in auto mechanics or forestry, but rather in the domains of leadership and team effectiveness, organizational culture and performance, relationships and human dynamics. And remember: New distinctions = new possibilities, new power, new capacity for action.
Today’s article focuses on a fundamentally important distinction. In workshops, I write – in very large letters on a flipchart – the following:
LISTENING IS NOT = HEARING
and then I ask: How many of you immediately agree with this statement? Every hand goes up.
Now, one of these is biological and one of these is not… but however we distinguish them, and whatever terms we may use, it’s crucial that we do so!
Arbitrarily (simply because I was taught this way) I say that hearing is biological and listening is linguistic. With this in mind, let’s explore a bit:
· Listening and hearing are 2 very different phenomena. Hearing is biological and has to do with a small bone vibrating by the eardrum. Listening is linguistic and has to do with active interpretation, with making sense, building an internal narrative, telling a story to myself, creating meaning. And have you noticed – we human beings are apparently addicted to meaning!
· Most of us have an intuitive understanding of the difference between biology and sound waves (hearing) and the ways we interpret and create meaning for ourselves (listening). Acquiring and deepening this distinction is critical for both professional effectiveness and individual well-being.
· Listening is generative and creative. Listening is clearly not passive receipt of objective information. All human communication is based on listening, on interpretation – not direct brain-to-brain data transfer. Two people can hear the same thing, and absolutely listen something different! Because of this, in many important situations, it’s not what we say that’s so important – it’s what others listen (what they interpret).
· The key questions are: Did we or did we not produce the interpretation we wanted to produce? Do we or do we not have shared understanding? Because there’s no such thing as shared commitment without shared understanding coming first.
· Here is a crucial two-part claim: 1) We are each 100% responsible for how we listen (how we interpret) and 2) we are each partially responsible for how we get listened (how others interpret what we say). For leaders, this is important to understand – for it can lead us to a healthy practice of “checking others’ listening” as we move through and complete critical conversations and decisions. When we check others’ listening in this way, we are absolutely not accusing anyone of not paying attention! No, the come-from is that others are interpreting me, they can’t not interpret me, and I’m partially responsible for the interpretations they are coming up with.
· For leaders focusing on Results, the cost-benefit of checking others’ listening in a non-accusatory way can be substantial for this reason: From the interpretations we form, we take action… and from the actions we take, we produce results… in a wide variety of situations.
· Our listening is directly and dramatically impacted by our moods and emotions, while our hearing is not. The little bone by my eardrum vibrates when sound waves hit no matter what mood I’m in, while the interpretations I produce in a mood of resentment are clearly different than those I produce in a mood of gratitude. Back to self-awareness: paying attention to our moods, holding them as moods and not as “the way things are” can – coupled with this understanding of listening – serve us greatly in a wide variety of our interactions at work, at home and everywhere in between!
· Our listening is directly and dramatically impacted by our already-held beliefs, while our hearing is not. We human beings, if we are not extremely vigilant and aware, can inadvertently fall into the habit of listening (interpreting) so as to make ourselves and our beliefs “right.” That is, we clearly find evidence to support how we already think and believe, while completely missing, not including or dramatically minimizing evidence and data that seem to run counter to it. Nothing wrong, of course, with having beliefs. But back to self-awareness: If you don't see yourself as having beliefs, you don't have them... they have you! And no matter what they are, they can and will dramatically shape the ways that you listen (interpret), which of course will shape the actions you take and the results you produce in the world.
· “Modes” of listening exist. Listening with the intent to reply is not the same as listening with the intent to understand. Starting our internal response while the other person is still talking is more common than we would like, but it takes us away from being present and can dramatically impact how we interpret. One of my teachers put it this way: “Are you listening, or are you waitin’ to talk?”
· Many golfers have a “swing thought” that they use in preparation for their next golf shot. I invite you to adopt a listening swing thought for all of your important conversations. As you’re approaching the person (not the tee box) say to yourself “Quiet” or “Be Here” or anything else that works for you to still your inner dialogue so you can focus on the external one.
· As preparation for your most important conversations – especially those in which the relationship is important to you and/or your organization – I invite you to consider this question: How much time, energy and focus are you going to spend in this upcoming conversation trying to be interesting… vs. interested? I have found this to be a very helpful “grounding” mechanism to help me in being present, in being engaged, in genuinely listening to the other person… supporting me in not only learning more, but also strengthening the relationship.
· Share the above question with your team members, especially those who directly interact with key customers and other stakeholders. Invite them to use this in how they prepare for their most important conversations, too.
I believe leaders, at a foundational level, get paid to design and convene effective conversations. And organizations, at their core, may be understood as networks of conversations, and (obviously) conversations include both speaking and listening.
The invitation here is to understand and operate with this key distinction – teach it to those on your team – and to focus on improving your own listening as well as your ability to achieve shared understanding when you're speaking.
Successful organizations are successful because of shared commitment to common goals, values and principles. There's no such thing as shared commitment without shared understanding coming first – and shared understanding is produced in how we and others speak to each other and listen to each other.
I wish you well on all fronts, I look forward to hearing from any of you at any time… and remember: Never Stop Learning!
In gratitude,
Chalmers