Listening and EQ

This edition is about the art that we might lose soon if we do not start practicing it well. It is a much talked and advised skill that helps in the development of EQ.

What is Listening?

Listening was a survival skill for the early humans. The sounds they heard had to be processed to assess if it was a threat or not. So, we can say that the listening is ‘what we hear + the processing of what was heard using other inputs (sensory, environmental, memory, etc).’

Recently, I met with a director of an organization to discuss an upcoming training programs for his employees. When I was explaining what the training means to the employees and how it will help them to perform better, the whole time he kept looking at his laptop, mobile and me with occasional nods and ‘oh good’, ‘very nice’, ‘true true’ etc. He probably was gathering all the inputs he was getting from his devices and me. Definitely not listening.

"When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen." --Ernest Hemingway

There is a whole array of different types of listening explained by various experts: Whole Body listening. Active Listening. Passive Listening. Empathetic listening. The list is big. Where do we start? In this article, I want to highlight the fundamental nature of listening in relation to the emotional intelligence.

What’s the connection of Listening with EQ?

The intent of listening is to make sense of what we hear. This intent is the first step in understanding others. Beginning of the road to empathy. That’s why it is important to get better at listening to improve our EQ.

Let’s look at what usually happens in a conversation. When we hear the words from others, we immediately start relating what we hear to what happened to us, thinking about what it means for us, start thinking about what we need to respond. Our internal focus stays on us. Instead of the intent of the listening – which is to make sense of what you hear. So, we need to shift the focus from self to others. The below listening spectrum explains how typically our focus travels.

Based on ‘Emotional Intelligence Coaching by Stephen Neale, Lisa Spencer-Arnell & Liz Wilson’

Ideally, we should be in the right most side of the spectrum to really understand others. And, the good news is that it is possible.

How do we go about it?

The following tricks worked for me well in conversations (both in-person, virtual) to jump the first hurdle of keeping the focus on the conversation.

1. Keep the mobile in silent. Vibrate option also need to be off.
2. Turn off the notifications of your devices (mobile phone – if you are meeting someone in their office, laptop – if you are meeting someone in your office)
3. Start maintaining eye contact with the person you are conversing with.

Once you do that, then, you need to be aware of where your attention is. This step is a bit tricky, but, you will be able to master it as you practice it more. The following list will help you to find where you are in the listening spectrum:

• If you are having thoughts like ‘Oh! I missed to remind my team for sending a mail to the client’ or ‘by the time the discussion is over, I will have to grab something to eat on the way back’ etc, then, you are just hearing the words.
• If you are thinking that ‘ah! Something similar happened to me last week’, or 'that's exactly what I also did', then, you are on to experience matching in the spectrum.
• If you start saying like ‘you know what, this is the best thing you can do in that situation’ or ‘if I were you, I would do this and that’, then, you are in the advice-giving mode. This listening stage is better than the other two as you are paying attention to the other person, but, we have to traverse a little to the right to be in the EQ space.

If you are able to spot where you are, that is a good sign that you are being aware of where you are and it will be easier for you to try to move to the EQ space of the spectrum. Also, note that listening is a sign of respect you can display to the person you are conversing with.

Listen more and listen well with the intent to understand!

I thank all the subscribers to this newsletter and please share your thoughts of how you find these tips useful.

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