LISTENING: EMPATHY’S SECRET SAUCE

Humans adapt quickly. Whatever the latest trend, they master lingo and mimic behaviors that are most often copied from colleagues. After years of learning about empathy, I believe few really understand it.

?There are different definitions about what empathy is, so for the sake of being in alignment let’s agree that empathy is: “The ability to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point view, rather than your own.” This ability requires listening attentively, one of the most essential skills but least taught.

Listening is different from hearing. Hearing is the ability to recognize sound. Listening is being aware of sound and processing the intention of the sound. In the case of listening to a human being, it’s having the ability to successfully comprehend spoken and non-spoken languages. But what happens when pings, emails, or text messages cause your eyeballs to shift? What about personal distractions that hijack your attention abruptly interrupting the speaker? When this happens, the connection is diminished and any trust that has been achieved dissolves.

Listening is empathy’s secret sauce. Here are a few tips on how to listen while authentically displaying empathy.

Listen with your heart. Words have energy. Listen deeply to the words being spoken and pay attention to the emotion driving the words. For example, I felt disrespected because a former manager was consistently meeting with one of my team members without my knowledge. You know the story; this created a messy situation for me and how I effectively led the team. During a one-on-one with my manager, I addressed my concerns directly. I was clear, concise, and shared how the behavior impacted my team and how it made me feel. He extended an apology and offered corrective measures to rectify the situation. ?

Be okay with silence. Some people process experiences aloud. They aren’t necessarily seeking your advice. Hold space for them to express themselves without judgment, interruption, or phrases that make you sound empathic e.g., “I’m sorry you’re going through this…” or “You don’t deserve this…” or “Call me if you need me….” Doing so can sound like a phony attempt to be empathic.

Ask clarifying questions. Dive deep to truly understand the person’s truth. You’re not the person so you won’t feel what they are feeling. The goal is to understand their perspective. Consider “I want to understand, what did you mean by…”, “Tell me more about…” or as former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss advises, use “selective word mirroring.” ?The technique calls for the listener to repeat back to the person their last three or four words. They give them back to the person in the form of a question. When used with the right voice tone, it makes the person feel safe and more comfortable. ?

Validate the speaker’s feelings and opinions. It’s important for you to say what feels real and authentic to you but sensitive and responsive to the person. In this 2-minute video Brene Brown offers this phrase to start, “I don’t really know what to say right now. I’m just really gIad you told me.” ?

Circle Back. People who care follow up with the person to see how they are doing; that’s genuine empathy.

ó 2023 All Rights Reserved. S. Renee is an executive coach and business consultant who helps her clients become more likable, marketable, and credible increasing their income and influence. Her passion, experience, and expertise are in executive presence, communication, personal branding, leadership, business strategy and development, public relations, and marketing. She can be reached at [email protected].??