Listening Beyond the Story

When listening to someone, try something quite different from what people normally do. Take a step back and get mindful. Don’t focus too much on the “story” but instead, pay close attention to the person speaking – the whole person. Listen and respond to the way they present themselves, the pace and quality of their speech, the words they use, and the feeling you get from being in their presence, and ask yourself, “what are they really saying to me that is beyond the words?”

Look beyond the words and immediate issues and into the heart of the bigger picture. In the movie Avatar, the Navi had a saying, “I see you,” which meant, “I see you in a big way, the whole of you.” It means seeing the essential nature of a person and not just the topic of immediate concern.

Who is this person speaking to me? What kind of life have they had? What kind of childhood did they have? How has life wounded them? What are they passionate about? Who are their ancestors? All of these things and more are fully present in a moment if you just look and are open to it.

Of course, you cannot see very much when you are not present with your experience. When mindful, if you’re being judgmental or have some personal agenda, you will notice how your inner judgments cut you off from actually seeing the person you are with, more objectively. Just notice that this is happening in you, but keep most of your attention on your conversation partner. Look, really look at the person standing in front of you and know that they have years and years of experience, history, and untold stories you could never find the end of. Are they happy? Are they hopeful? Are they bitter, angry, sad, caring, loving? Who is this person?

When you’re really with someone like this, a sense of spaciousness often emerges. You don’t feel pressed to do anything in particular, making it easier to explore this space without pressure. There is a sense of bearing witness and simply being in a state of loving presence with another person. There is no pressure to solve a problem or change someone. A natural curiosity usually arises that is much deeper than asking “what happened next.” Instead, it is more along the lines of simple, natural, emergent, caring, and authentic curiosity. Who is this person? How deep does it go? And often, there is an appreciation and caring for something you noticed. After all, we all share the human experience, and that is a great deal indeed.

When you engage people in this way, they notice. It changes everything. The conversation is entirely different as you don’t need to shine the light on yourself or say, “that reminds me of the time I …..”. Instead, you are more than happy to let someone talk and have the spotlight if they need it. All the while looking for the deeper parts of their message. You may notice how passionate they are when talking about their work or their relationships. How much it means to them to get something right or work something out (which tells you something important about them). Rather than problem-solving, you can say, “you seem to care a lot about getting it right.”

When someone is seen deeply, contacted authentically, and non-judgmentally, the entire situation is elevated. The relationship changes. Both of you can let down a bit, becoming less defensive. And now you have intentionally created the conditions necessary for greater intimacy and connection.

So in your practice, try this: when talking to someone you care about or would like to know better, when you have a mindful moment, ask yourself, “who is this person, really? What’s it like to be them?”

By doing this you have created the opportunity for grace and a loving presence to enter into your moment. (More accurately, you have chosen to be present to the grace and loving presence that is already there). It is no guarantee that the conversation will go well, but you're creating the best conditions possible for a positive outcome.

What a tremendous gift to yourself and the world.