The Listening Advantage: How to Elevate Your Conversations and Relationships

Listening is crucial for your professional career, personal life, and community involvement. However, despite its importance, many people still struggle with it. If you’re keen to learn practical tips to use these two things on the side of your head more effectively, you’re in the right place. Let’s dive in.

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Decide to Improve Your Listening

The first step to becoming a better listener is deciding that you want to improve. It all begins with your mindset or, as we call it in Organisations That Matter, your mental models. You need to develop the mental model that you want to get better at listening. This shift in thinking affects what you say and do.

When you’re talking to someone, the expectation is usually that the other person will listen. But when you change your mindset to talking with someone, you acknowledge that listening is a two-way street. This initial shift in mindset is crucial because it makes you realize that your role involves understanding the other person's perspective.

Listen to Understand, Not to Agree

Listening from the mindset of trying to understand the other person makes a significant difference. It’s not about agreeing with them; it’s about understanding their point of view. When you listen to understand, you’re focused on comprehending their message rather than forming your rebuttal.

One practical tip is to listen for keywords that stand out—often nouns, verbs, action phrases, or words reflecting feelings. These categories help you grasp the core message of the conversation. For instance, many people struggle to remember names. This is often due to negative self-talk. Instead, shift your mindset to, "I’m going to remember as many names as I can." Focus on these keywords during conversations.

Taking Notes

Another technique is taking notes during conversations. Whether you’re online or in a meeting, jot down the keywords you hear. You don’t need to write everything verbatim; focus on the important nouns, verbs, action phrases, and feelings expressed by the speaker. This practice enhances your ability to recall and understand the conversation.

Demonstrating Understanding

To show someone you’ve understood them, use the keywords they’ve mentioned in your response. By incorporating their nouns, verbs, action phrases, or feelings into your reply, you help them recognise that you’ve been listening. This subconscious acknowledgment can make a significant impact because many people feel that no one truly listens to them.

Using these duplication techniques helps check your understanding. For example, you might say, “You mentioned this name and this place, and you talked about doing this. I wanted to understand a bit more about why you were doing that.” This approach shows that you’ve listened and are seeking clarity.

If your understanding isn’t 100% clear, that’s okay. Engaging in conversation helps refine your understanding. When your intent is to listen for understanding, it significantly improves the quality of your listening.

Tools and Techniques

You can also use physical tools like your hands or fingers to enhance clarity. For instance, you might say, “The first thing you said was A, then B, and then C. Have I got that right?” This method helps uncover any missing elements and ensures clarity.

Being open to listening for understanding means you’re not stressed about capturing everything perfectly the first time. You use your conversation skills and duplication techniques to gain clarity. Remember, clarity is queen. Most communication problems at work, home, and in the community stem from a lack of clarity. By improving your listening, you contribute to greater clarity for everyone involved.

Real-World Application

Just last week, while coaching a client, I thought I understood three key elements of the roles they were discussing. Through our conversation, we discovered four and then five different roles. By pointing out these roles during our discussion, we uncovered missing clarity. As an external party, listening for understanding helped provide what William Ury, author of "Possible" describes as the third side of the situation, raising clarity for everyone involved.

Conclusion

Listening is a 100% learnable and improvable skill. You just need to decide and practice these techniques in every conversation. Improving your listening will enhance your personal, professional, and community relationships.

I’m Gary Ryan from Organisations That Matter. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to sharing more insights with you soon.