Listening 201: Overcoming the need to be right.

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that focused more on proving your point than truly understanding the other person's perspective? If so, you're not alone.

Building upon the foundations of active listening that I teach in my Listening 101 workshops, I've uncovered two insights that further elevate the power of this essential skill. While my sessions focus on the Listen-Reflect-Ask (LRA) model as a cornerstone for high-performance communication, this article delves deeper into how we can amplify our listening abilities beyond these fundamental techniques. As I continuously refine my leadership coaching practice, these new perspectives have reshaped my understanding of truly effective listening.

We need to be right.

The first point is that we have a deep need to be right. Our ego assumes that being right and needing to prove it is a key to our survival. Think about a recent conversation or argument you had. Were you 100% curious and open to new possibilities, or did you feel compelled to defend your stance?

Once introduced to this idea, I discovered so many mini-arguments, blame scenarios, or full-on conflicts in which I held my position just to feel that I was right and the other person was wrong. It even interfered with my development!

In this new course I'm taking, the facilitator, a phenomenal coach, shared his view of how to address feelings. Those who know me know how much I research and work with feelings. So, when a new perspective was shared in the session, I felt a huge resistance to what was offered because I wanted my perspective to be right!

How to overcome the need to be right

When we hold to our need to be right, we protect our ego, but we might miss new possibilities and developments.

Here are two powerful ways to overcome the need to be right and improve your listening skills:

• Develop self-awareness: Notice the physical and emotional cues when you feel the need to be right. For me, it was a tightness in my chest and a heightened pulse.
• Cultivate curiosity: Instead of defending your perspective, ask yourself questions like "What am I missing?" or "How might I be wrong?" Practicing curiosity opens up more possibilities and allows for deeper conversations.

Summary

Practicing Listen-Reflect-Ask is a great way to let go of the need to be right. By truly listening, reflecting on what's been said (including needs and values), and asking curious questions, we shift our focus to understanding the other person's perspective.

Listening this way opens up more possibilities for addressing conflict's unmet needs and enables a deeper conversation. It speeds up conflict revolution and furthers the relationship.

I'll share more about the second piece of information I learned in an upcoming article.

I'd also love to hear your experiences and thoughts on overcoming the need to be right. How has it helped (or hindered) your ability to listen and resolve conflicts effectively?

Want more?

Learning high-performance listening is a crucial skill and a game-changer for leaders' and teams' performance. If you're interested in high-performance listening training, send me a message .

I recently published a free mini-course for mid-level managers and directors on how to develop the managers in your team. Click here to register.

Nir Megnazi is an executive coach and high-performance leadership expert who transforms technical organizations through emotional intelligence. As the co-creator of Intel's award-winning coaching program, Nir combines over two decades of engineering leadership with advanced coaching methodologies to help leaders and teams achieve peak performance in high-pressure tech environments.