Listen, Or Your Tongue Will Make You Deaf!
By Dr. John C. Mrazek
The other day I was attending a leadership training event and one of the speakers used this phrase “Listen, or your tongue can make you deaf.” I missed the next few minutes of the speakers presentation because the premise of the statement hi-jacked my brain. A few google searches later and I found out that it is a Native American proverb and that several other people have written about the phrase in the context of listening better.
But it is not the listening part that stung me. It was the talking part. I am a verbal processor and think that I have to talk to organize and process my thoughts. There have been many times that this practice has burned me. Especially in leadership roles where people sometimes heard what I said and other times heard what they wanted me to say. Don’t miss that last sentence. There is a lot of truth in it. I know that the proverb is really focused on how speaking too much can stop you from listening. But, for us verbal processors, talking too much also causes damage to others while it impacts our hearing.
Am I the only one who has said something and then immediately wished that they could take it back while the period is still leaving our lips? I didn’t think so. I am old enough to have acquired a decent amount of self-awareness. Lately, it has been serving me well as I read the faces of my listeners and adjust what I am saying on the fly. But there was definitely a time in my 20’s, 30’s, and early 40’s where I just spoke and didn’t care enough about how my words impacted others. I am pretty sure that I wasn’t even listening to myself, let alone others, because I was so busy sharing my thoughts and opinions. My tongue definitely made me deaf.
This proverb is very convicting for me and reinforces other statements that I have tried to live by like:
- “Spend your words like gold coins, not like pennies” and
- “God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth so you should listen twice as much as you talk”
Despite the reminder of these proverbs, I have still prattled on and on sometimes and wreaked havoc all around me. I think that is why the original proverb hit me so hard. This is definitely an area of growth for me and something that I will always struggle with. In the meantime, here are a few techniques that I am using that may help if this is something that haunts you.
#1: Lately I have been choosing not to talk. Questions are happening around me and opportunities to add my 2 cents to someone else’s thoughts are so enticing. But I am choosing not to answer the questions or voice my thoughts on purpose. This has been incredibly difficult for me because I always feel like I have something to add. In reality I might. But generally what I have to say is mildly helpful and definitely stopping me from hearing what else is being said or could have been said. I am realizing that I do not have to apologize for something I did not say. I am trying my best to live by the motto that less is more when it comes to talking and it appears to be helping.
#2: I mentioned earlier how some people hear what you say and others only hear you say what they wanted you to say. This is a troubling phenomenon that has costed me countless hours fixing the collateral damage I didn’t even know that I had caused. Followers, family, and employees have added to or changed what I said and then executed their plans based on my adjusted words. This is really messy and has hurt me and my reputation many times. Now I try not to speak to others 1-on-1 about important stuff unless I have too and I am continually asking my listeners what they heard me say. It sounds rude, but that question has helped me avoid confusion or correct listeners with hidden agendas.
#3: The last technique has to do with my tendency to process my thoughts verbally. There are things going on inside my head that should stay on the inside and not escape. When I am assessing risk or creating policies I try my best to look at the situation from every possible angle. Some of those angles are really cynical and judgmental and accounting for them is absolutely critical to me doing my job well. But they can scare others who only try to see the best in people and the world around us. I have even had a boss say to me “I don’t even know how your mind works and I don’t think I want to live in a world where some of that stuff can happen.” Ouch! But he was right and I should have kept those words to myself. Now that I know that this is happening, I am staying inside the safety of my head more often.
Have these techniques and proverbs been helpful to you? Did I miss any that has helped you be a better listener and less harmful to those around you? Not talking all of the time has been tough but worth it. I am hearing some really cool stuff from others around me and I am shocking or scaring fewer people these days. The Bible is full of examples and wisdom about how we should use our tongues. Don’t wait until you are in your 50’s (like me) to realize how hurtful or just plain worthless some of the things we say are. Spend every word like a gold coin and do not let your tongue cause you to become deaf.
There is a proverb that is frequently attributed to Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain that says “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” This statement sounds a lot like Proverbs 17:28 that says “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” I am a fool some of the time and I know it. But I am not going to confirm it by using my tongue to fill the air with evidence. These techniques and proverbs are helping me. Maybe they can help you?