Listen to your friends and let them listen to you

A cruise ship met with an incident at sea, on the ship was a pair of couple, after having made their way to the lifeboat, they realized that there was only space for one person left. At this moment, the man pushed the woman behind him and jumped onto the lifeboat himself. The lady stood on the sinking ship and shouted one sentence to her husband. The teacher stopped and asked, "What do you think she shouted?" Most of the students excitedly answered, "I hate you! I was blind!" Now, the teacher noticed a boy who was silent throughout, she got him to answer and he replied, "Teacher, I believe she would have shouted - Take care of our child!"

The teacher was surprised, asking "Have you heard this story before?" The boy shook his head, "Nope, but that was what my mum told my dad before she died to disease". The teacher lamented, "The answer is right". The cruise sunk, the man went home and brought up their daughter single-handedly. Many years later after the death of the man, their daughter found his diary while tidying his belongings. It turns out that when parents went onto the cruise ship, the mother was already diagnosed with a terminal illness.

In the critical moment, the father rushed to the only chance of survival. He wrote in his diary, "How I wished to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter, I can only let you lie forever below the sea alone". The story is finished, the class was silent. The teacher knows that the student has understood the moral of the story, that of the good and the evil in the world, there are many complications behind them which are hard to understand.

Which is why we should never only focus on the surface and judge others without understanding them first. Those who like to pay the bill, does so not because they are loaded but because they value friendship above money. Those who take the initiative at work, does so not because they are stupid but because they understand the concept of responsibility. Those who apologizes first after a fight, does so not because they are wrong but because they value the people around them. Those who are willing to help you, does so not because they owe you any thing but because they see you as a true friend.

When a friend is going through a difficult time, it’s natural to want to help, but it’s not always easy to know how. Think about occasions where you’ve been in need yourself – what did your friends do? What did you find the most helpful? Some friends may have kept their distance and perhaps you felt hurt by that, but it could be that they really didn’t know what to say or do, or they simply assumed you would ask if you needed anything. It can be hard whichever side you’re on, whether you’re the one needing help, or the one offering it.

Be specific in your offers of help. Vague comments like “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” are not likely to be taken up. Most people find it hard to ask for help, so telling them to let you know if they need anything is putting the onus back on them to ask. Often when people are going through difficult times, even everyday tasks can feel too much. So aside from offering them a shoulder to cry on, think about what practical help you can offer, and suggest specific things.

Don’t force your help on them. Offer your help, but if they decline, then accept that. If you keep insisting you might make them feel worse. It may be that they have never really needed help before, or have been brought up to believe that they should be able to manage, no matter what. Or maybe they genuinely don’t want or need your help. That doesn’t mean you don’t offer to help again, it’s simply about being sensitive, and respecting what they say about their needs at the time. Only offer help that you are genuinely able to give.

Think carefully about what help you offer. In a hasty moment when your friend is very upset, it’s normal to want to make everything alright for them, but reflect a little about the realities of what you’re offering before you open your mouth. Not following through on what you’ve offered, or doing something grudgingly, is worse than not offering at all; your friend will feel let down, and you will feel wretched. Don’t assume you know what’s best for them.

However they are struggling, your friend that is suffering is still an adult and needs to make their own decisions. When people are going through difficult times, they may feel that much of what is happening to them is out of their control. If you attempt to take over everything, you’re adding to their loss of control. What might have been the best thing for you when you were going through a difficult time isn’t necessarily what is best for them. Be guided by them, if they want you to take charge of things, or make decisions for them, then fine, but that’s their choice not yours.

Be someone they can trust. Avoid sharing details of their situation with other friends unless they have given you permission. Your intentions might be good in talking it through with others, but your friend may have been telling you things in confidence, and will then feel you have broken their trust. They don’t need the added burden of feeling hurt and let down by you on top of whatever else they are going through. Listen more than talk. If you’re usually more of a talker than a listener, now is the time to hold back.

Avoid repeatedly giving your opinion on their situation unless they ask for it. Be guided by them, they may want to just offload to a sympathetic ear, or they may want you to offer suggestions. It’s best if you can keep your own emotions under control, you may feel upset or angry about what your friend is having to deal with, but you will be more help to them if you can remain calm as you listen. This will help them feel that you are dependable and a rock for them.

Help them to see a brighter future. Depending on their situation, your friend may be finding it hard to imagine a time where they won’t feel like they currently do. Gently help them to look beyond that by giving them things to look forward to, simple things like an evening out. When you feel they’re ready, begin to talk positively with them about plans for the future. Again, be guided by your friend here, if they seem open to what you’re saying, then go with it, if they shut down then back off and try again another time. The most important thing is for them to know that you are there for them, now, and as they move forward into the future.

Just try to listen as much as possible. Don't jump to conclusions in the middle and offer them solutions. Don't “could've don't this, that, etc” He/She would have already had those conversations in their mind before venting out to you. Don't make fun of them, or divert the conversation. Most times, people just want to vent out the things they have kept inside their head. Nothing else. Make them believe you're there for them, anytime. Offer solutions only if asked. It depends on how close you were before they started acting like that.

If you were just hanging out, it might be something about you that annoys them and as a result they are starting to distance themselves by being jerks. This is an immature behavior but is pretty common among people who don't have the familiarity to speak openly. In this case, there is nothing you should do but try to find a new company who likes you as you are. We can't be liked by everyone, and we shouldn't. Don't blame yourself.

However, if you used to be close friends, things might be more complicated. Try to think if you did anything wrong or hurtful and if so, apologize. If you didn't do anything, there might have been a misunderstanding, or your friends might be facing their own problems, too. In either case, if you wanna make your friends speak, instead of stating to them that they are being bad friends, ask them if you did anything wrong (even if you are 100% sure that you didn't). Be calm, and try to find a solution instead of proving yourself right. You may as well ask them if they are doing fine, show some extra interest. If they open up, then is the time to share your complaints, too. In a polite way, of course.

The truth is, true friends always listen, but no one's perfect, and we all may become a little passive-aggressive when something’s bothering us. The more you love your friends, the more you should try before ending your friendship, but if you can't fix things, don't put up with bad behavior just because you're afraid to stay with no friends for some time. We've all been there and, yes, it sucks, but sometimes these things happen for the best. Cheers!