‘Listen well’— the most powerful and underrated weapon in life and business

I talk a lot. It’s a work in progress. My mother always said to my brother and I when growing up:?‘You have two ears, and one mouth… use them in that proportion’ — I should have listened to her more.

This learning came to me sitting having a burrito one sunny?Monday with my late boss. It was his go to happy place in London and I was only too happy to oblige. I had been hired for a bigger mission. We often went there to talk strategy. It had been 12 weeks in and I was raring to impart my worldly experience to help build the new. However, given the cultural differences between our backgrounds, in my early weeks I had often mistook a lack of directness in his feedback as a sign of validation. (Side note: Read ‘The Culture Map’ by Erin Meyer — it explains this paradigm beautifully)

Why else would he have hired me? So I thought…

I wasn’t listening well so had not been reading between the lines. Combine that with a sense of unfaltering reassurance in myself, it was a car crash waiting to happen.

Before we got to our nachos, he said: ‘I’m not sure this is working out…’

I pushed away my nachos (for those that know me a mighty feat I might add) with a sinking feeling losing all appetite. What was wrong? I thought he was happy. For those of us who have been in relationships, the next line I had been expecting was ‘It’s not you, it’s me’?except in this case it was me.

In my excitement and desire to make an impact, I had misread the signals. The root cause:?not listening well.

In my story, I was fortunate. The intentional use of the words ‘not sure’ was him on the fence. It would depend on how I would react to his direct feedback in our lunch. My boss could see I was genuinely a rabbit in headlights, but still young, ambitious and excited for the mission trying to do the right thing. He had also invested in me not because of my wins, but as he always said ‘we’re here because of your failures’ (another story, for another time). This was his way to help me course correct in a non-confrontational setting. I got another chance. A chance that allowed me to introspect, reflect and change my approach.

Fast forward: I was able to learn from this early bump to then grow a mission with a fantastic team of humans across multiple countries and most importantly rebuild trust and confidence with my late boss and colleagues. Feedback soon turned to praise. The thirst for learning and evolving continued. It was a happy moment one morning 9 months in to receive this text. Not quite the Love Island excitement of ‘I’VE GOT A TEXT’ but very close in a humbling reminder to keep listening and learning.

A few tips I’ve learned (almost always the hard way) that may help you if you struggle or have struggled with listening:

1. Actively listen?— let people finish physically and mentally. It sounds simple but hard. Truly be in the moment in listening to what is being said. This is where the sub-context comes in. I had this awful tendency thinking of what my response would be mid-flow. Don’t. Pause. Think. Take your time to absorb. If you don’t, it possibly might be your last burrito.
2. Clarify?— working with different cultures and types of humans, everyone has a different way of communicating (including the non-verbal signs you might be missing). A staggering?93% of what we communicate as humans is non-verbal. How crazy is that? Only 7% is some form of verbal. Ask questions and repeat back. ‘From what I just heard, I understood this is what you were expecting from X, is this correct?’ — in the midst of a global pandemic with COVID19 with more interactions being virtual, it is harder to spot non-verbal queues which is why the other tips will hopefully help you.
3. Ask great questions —?questions are the most powerful and underrated form of communication. Learn the art of asking great questions. (Side note: Fantastic read on this topic is ‘Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business and Influence Others’ by Andrew Sobol and Jerald Panas) —?questions often allow you to dig deeper, understand the root cause of what is being solved for. A fantastic tip from my current boss is a technique around asking the ‘5 Why’s’ which has reinforced and built my learning — Google it, it’ll blow your mind on solving for true problems.
4. Regularly seek feedback —?as humans we often feel the need to be validated and recognised. It is an innate part of our social conscious. Seeking feedback is hard, and absorbing and implementing it is even harder. It requires a level of emotional intelligence to step into the fire knowing something could be wrong. Do it. It is likely you may have still missed sub-context days, weeks or months after that initial conversation or not quite understood or validated the expectation. The more regular — the more refined your outcome will be, and those around you will respect you all the more for it.
5. Experiment and continue learning —?this is not an exact science. You’ll continue to make mistakes as I do as new situations arise. Be intentional. This will not happen overnight and it is a constant learning process. It’s likely this tendency may appear in both your professional and personal life. A major turning point for me was finding my soulmate just before I embarked into my current role and her agreeing to do life with me 2 years ago in our beautiful marriage. She has had the patience of a saint. If you do not listen, it can perceived as a lack of respect. Let those around you help you test, learn and grow. You’ll be able to do so in a safe space with those that truly care for your betterment helping you become stronger and a better listener overall.

My late boss will perhaps never know how much this learning meant to me. He will never quite know how much his leap of faith and how pivotal this simple message 3 months into a new role would go on to shape my life and future career. It will soon be 5 years in my current role. I reflect back through the looking glass as I learn, evolve and still make mistakes with the confidence that learning and growing from my failures will be the reason that I am eventually successful.

All I have to do is?listen well.

Here’s to you Chief. Burritos have not quite been the same without you.

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Nik Adhia is Senior Director for Global Operations and Strategy, Oracle for Startups. These views and opinions represented in this article are in a personal capacity and not on for or on behalf of Oracle or any other company or establishment. You can follow Nik for more updates on?Twitter, Medium at @Nik_Adhia or connect with him on LinkedIn?here