Listen Up

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.”  —Larry King

Jerry Seinfeld does a brilliant bit about UP and DOWN.  "Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait uuuuup!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.”

My parent's generation was fond of saying “Children should be seen and not heard!” That may just be the worst thing I ever heard growing up. I made it a point to encourage my boys to talk about their day, their feelings, their ideas, their thoughts, their point of view. As parents and grandparents, we all need to “Listen UP!”

You probably never heard of Dick Bass. He is the son of a Texas oil baron. He was known for going on ambitious mountain climbing expeditions and talking about them—at length, to anyone within earshot, including a man sitting next to him on cross country flight. Bass went on and on about the treacherous peaks of McKinley and Everest and the time he almost died in the Himalayas and his plan to climb Everest again. After over three hours—as they were about to land, he realized he had done all the talking—and had not properly introduced himself. “That’s okay,” the man said, extending his hand. “I’m Neil Armstrong. Nice to meet you.” 

In the early stages of my professional selling career, a mentor asked me after he had helped me close a large sale (In point of fact—HE saved my bacon and stepped in when I was struggling to finalize the deal!)  In the warm after glow of closing a $250,000 deal, he turned to me as we were walking to the car and asked, “Have you ever studied Carl Rogers and the skill of ‘Active Listening’ young man?” “No”, I replied. “That’s obvious…” was all he said. I invested the next year studying the Art of Active Listening. It changed my life. 

I have been teaching corporations to “Actively Listen” for over 25 years. I share a simple formula that works. Let me be clear, this is not a clever strategy or sleight of hand to manipulate other people. It’s a philosophy, a way of being. I call it being “OTHER-Centered” Listening Actively is one component of that philosophy.

L.P.Q.P. = Listen Actively, Pause 3-5 seconds, Question to Clarify, Paraphrase Emotions and Meaning for Understanding. 

Listen Actively means you are totally focused on the other person. You ask open ended questions—Who, What, Where, When, How and Why? “How did you get started in your industry?” Lean forward, take notes, nod, stay focused on meaning, intention and most importantly—emotions.

Pause 3-5 seconds…is hard. We don’t like uncomfortable silences. I literally count to five silently in my head. 80% of the time, the person talking will start up again—it was a comma, not a period—a semi-colon; not the end of the paragraph! Just be silent and wait.

Question to Clarify means asking: “How do you mean?” or “Can you give me an example?” You think you understand their intention or feelings—but probably not. Clarifying questions ensures you understand completely. They will tell a story or provide an example. It’s so simple, not easy.

Paraphrase for Understanding sounds like: “If I’m hearing you right, you are frustrated about the way your boss treats you” OR “You’re sad your previous vendor didn’t keep their word…” If true understanding exists, they will exclaim “EXACTLY!” or “YES!” (always in upper case!)

I encourage my clients to write out a listening goal a 3 x 5 card that simply says: “I dominate the listening in every conversation and people enjoy being around me.” I dare them to read the card four or five times a day for 30 days. That’s how long it takes to form a good new habit. What follows is a test— the homework: “For the next week or two, see if you can get every person you meet to talk about themselves for 15-20 minutes without them knowing they are doing all the talking. It’s simple, not easy!”

Once this skill becomes a part of your DNA, people you meet will want to spend more time with you but won’t know why? They will just like the way you make them FEEL. They will tell you things they don’t tell their banker, barber or best friend. Oh yes, “I never learn anything when I am talking…”

I don’t want to be like Dick Bass. How about you? Jerry Seinfeld had it right, Slow DOWN and Listen UP!

Mark Matteson - Best Selling Author, International Speaker - To order one of my books, go to: www.sparkingsuccess.net/store 206.697.0454 - to subscribe to Mark’s monthly ezine, go to: [email protected]  To watch a few short videos, simply click the link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3Jt8ckNfTLjxDxIHiJFmLQ

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“Make it a great day…unless you have other plans!”