To listen or not to listen. That is the question

Paula: I told you to bring me the green folder, the one in the bottom drawer.

Mario: You did not tell me that, you told me that any folder was fine.

Paula: How can I tell you something like that? You never listen to me; it is always the same thing.

Mario: It is not that I do not listen to you, it is that you do not express yourself well.

"What I think, what I want to say, what I think I say, what I say, what you want to hear, what you hear, what you think you understand, what you understand, there are endless possibilities of not understanding each other".

Apart from the ironic tone of the previous paragraph (not of my own making), let us agree that listening is not as easy as it seems. How many times have we said: "I don't feel listened to", "In this house, nobody listens to me", “At work, no one listens to what I say.”

Listening is more complex than it seems. True listening implies being open to be transformed. Listening means being ready for such transformation, it implies the will to change, to have something modified, to challenge one's own beliefs, to leave the comfort of one's own thinking. True listening means validating the other - because it is listening that validates speaking.

There is nothing passive about listening, quite the contrary. We need to permanently interpret what is being said.

When I was studying the subject for the first time, I remember a statement that had a significant impact on me. It went like this: "A person says what he says in order to take charge of what is troubling him, we focus our interpretation on the understanding of this concern".

This idea was very revealing to me.

I began to think more about the what for, than the why: "What for does this person tell me what she tells me?" "What moves her/him to do it?" "What is the motivation? What sustains her/him saying it?"

Before my eyes (and ears) a new path opened. An extremely exciting one. Keep silent became an interesting gamble. I realized how many times, in any conversation in which I was a listener, I had been more prepared for what I was going to answer, reply, give my opinion or suggest, than to be attentive to what was being said.

What is at stake when I do not dispose my mind, my body, my whole being, to full listening? What for don′t I listen? I particularly love this question. True listening opens the way to one's own vulnerability. To a realization that what we believed or thought to be true may not be so.

And the fact is that, when we listen well, reflection becomes inescapable.

There is a lot at stake. And we are not always willing. Sometimes it is easier to stay where our own thinking protects us from who knows what.

But we can learn to listen. With easy tools at our fingertips. Starting with the simple fact of verifying what is being said. Avoiding the comfortable taking for granted.

In Ontological Coaching we suggest "Verifying the listening": "What does it mean to you?", "What do you mean specifically, can you give me an example?" or the simple "I don't understand".

?Inquiry is vital in the listening process, it is the way to establish a clear communication flow from the beginning, one that strengthens the confidence of the speaker, who feels paid attention to.

Second link in the chain of listening: the concern.

?Why is the other person telling me what he/she is telling me? What is it that leads him/her to say what he/she is saying? Divine essence of listening!

Putting aside my internal dialogue to really understand the trigger that led the speaker to say what he says.

In the coaching world, Coaches have an obligation and commitment to listen. We train ourselves to be active listeners.

Active listening is a technique that consists of concentrating fully on what the speaker is saying, understanding the message they are trying to convey and responding in a way that demonstrates understanding. To do this, in addition to paying full attention and making our understanding clear, we must, at all costs, avoid making judgments. Making assumptions or judgments about the client's message destroys active listening.

In a world where so many are trying to be heard or seen, the most revolutionary act of all is simply to listen.

I am here. I am listening.

Mercedes Coach. Coaching Conversations & Mentorship