Listen Inward: Reframe Compromise
Melinda Zappone, LMHC, CCTP Level 2, LFYP
“Nature has given us all the pieces required to achieve exceptional wellness and health, but has left it to us to put these pieces together.”—Diane McLaren
You have heard the term self-help I am sure. It often conjures non-fiction Oprah book lists, wounded influencer podcasts and Instagram followings, and the Master Class or workshop, to name a few. Self-help may be a type of healing that is in the interest of recovering from emotional scars we wear. Scars that both define and impede us somehow. The word compromise may come up in a formula for self help in relationships. That seems logical and valid that it would. Rarely do we consider the term as an ingredient in our relationship with ourselves. Even more seldom do we define compromise without the word concession entirely and leave only the "ability to listen to two sides".
In fact, lately the battle cry for emotional healing or self-help has been for "No Compromise". People are defining personal boundaries and saying "what is not okay". It is all wonderful to learn boundaries, and essential in relationships, however there is a place for compromise in healing and I will get to this more below. But first, the word compromise faces in two directions. It looks forward to the bargains we strike, but it also looks backward at what we had to sacrifice to get there.
Compromise is what Freud would have called an ambivalent word. On the one hand, compromise is the basis of human civilization and government itself would not be possible without it. Still, it is bidirectional and it looks forward to the bargains we strike, but it also looks backward at what we had to sacrifice to get there. therefore, a lot of times we are still looking at the individualistic and not the "Us" aspect of compromise. When in and individualistic mindset, we praise somebody as uncompromising and call it integrity. "Uncompromising" is a word you use for someone who sticks to moral principles, not for a seller who refuses to drop the price of a house after it's been on the market for 18 months.
That backward-looking meaning is always in play when people reject the relational aspects of the word. They're not focusing on how compromise involves the process of information gathering (which is akin to listening) and only looking at the risks of losing or wasting time. Yet, as a trauma informed therapist that also specializes in healing relational wounds as a result of the accumulated traumas we gather as life progresses, listening inward to the many sides of the difficulties does take time. We don't compromise our understanding of ourselves in the interest of time or for quicker outcomes, we certainly don't make concessions. We do not get people to agree to change in order to improve a situation. Therapists encourage dialog so that an individual heals their relationship with themselves; stops denying their own feelings from being valuable sources of information. There are seven primary feelings: joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt, love. We encourage people to stick with those feelings as guides.
A metaphor for what I am speaking of may prove useful. Say there is a last slice of pizza between a couple. One partner assumes "easy, split it" and proceeds to take their half. Close in on the other person, the mental bubble "I hate the crust and my half is a third crust, I would have just preferred take the last soda and give up the slice!", they think. The other partner proceeds to pop the soda and take a sip, offering it then to the other with a sloppy pizza face grin. Compromise is great one assumes as the other builds resentment.
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As the scene and the relationship goes on, more and more such "compromises" are assumed. Do you see the problem? It is a problem that is visible to us looking on but I bet it has you questioning your assumed compromises in your lives. We are our worst enemies in our own relationships and genius psychologists for others.
What is more however is the way we make such compromises within. We forget to hold the conversation with ourselves. It is not as simple as "you need to balance work and family" or "you have to consider money cannot buy peace of mind" or even "learn to get out of your comfort zone", all seemingly compromise-minded self talk.
We have to explore "what is relational safety for me and when does that feel limiting and when does it feel intelligent or intuitive?". Then we make the compromise not as a 50/50 concession that says "in order to be healthy I have to concede me alone time and find a mate" but perhaps can be truly flexible with ourselves "coming into my loneliness might help me find the right match more than going on dates right now".
The point is, compromise has a role in healing or finding what seems to be missing. The part of compromise that gets you "there" is listening inward. Lastly, compromise is not an end state, it is a process. It repeats and repeats for endless outcomes.
Please comment and/or respond on this or suggested topics for the future.