Listen with the intent to understand, not just to respond

This is originally written by Mike Cohn in a newsletter that he sends. I thought that the topic was so very important that I am sharing it here

Suppose we’re having a conversation in person. And suppose we disagree on something.

Let’s say that I think product owners should participate in sprint retrospectives and you disagree.

I make a point in favor of my position and then you speak in favor of yours. But no matter how strong I feel my arguments are, they aren’t getting through to you. And while I hear your words, it’s almost as though I’m not listening.

I’m listening but I’m listening solely so I can respond. In fact, I usually know what I want to say long before I get a chance to take the conversation over again. Fran Lebowitz said, “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” Sounds less than constructive, doesn’t it?

This type of argument—even if it’s merely a discussion—is frustrating.

Most of us are frustrated by this behavior in others, yet we behave this way, too.

I definitely do. I try not to. But it’s hard.

During any conversation with your teammates you should listen with the intent to understand, not to respond.

Rather than forming your response in your head (even before the other person finishes speaking), listen attentively.

After that, try to pause, think, and then respond.

Perhaps even start your response by checking to see if you’ve understood what the other person has said.

So in that debate about product owner participation in retrospectives, I might say, “What I hear you saying is that some product owners are abusive in retrospectives. You’ve seen them be critical of the team without being open to hearing how they could improve themselves.”

Wait for the person to confirm that you’ve understood and fairly represented their position. Then make the next point in favor of your position, perhaps using what they’ve said as a jumping-off point.

Listening with the intent to understand rather than to respond will help your team succeed with agile.

Mike

Company Credit Mountain Goat Software