Listen, I need to Talk.

It was an extremely hectic day.

Among the corporate hustle-bustle of "Get it done", Ronin was feeling more than overwhelmed.

The clock struck 8:30 PM. Ronin looked at the asymmetrical design of random stickies on his notepad; each of them screaming their level of urgencies in varying volumes. The cacophony was unbearable. He slapped the laptop shut.

As he stood up at his desk, his body felt like cardboard. His arms stretched upwards involuntarily as if trying to alert the muscles to the much-needed movement that was about to happen.

Ronin absent mindedly looked at the decorated wall of accomplishments as he stashed the laptop in his backpack. "Focus Ronin... Slow and steady... better and better... Stay focused." He reminded himself like a mantra chant while walking towards the lift.

The familiar voice inside Ronin's said,

"Ahem...excuse me! Three days in a row... Is it really worth it? Aren't you forgetting to LIVE? Next anxiety attack, you will be knocking on heaven's door. No offense, you assigned me the task to remind you... I am just saying!"

Ronin promptly shut down the inner voice, "the distraction."

His phone buzzed again... 9 missed calls, 5 from the home. "Damn!" He muttered under his breath, "Just can't catch a break."

The car park was almost empty. By the time Ronin switched on the ignition of his Honda City, it was already 9:00 PM. He had a long, lonely drive ahead of him and he was not looking forward to it.

There were days when Ronin would enjoy the drive back home. He would dial his buddies, listen to their updates, complaints about bosses, regrets of marriage, fantasies about women they would never have, lamentations of the lost dreams.... the list was diverse and colorful.

Today was different... he didn't want any of that. There was a sense of deep sadness, a sense of emptiness that engulfed him. There were some raw emotions that stirred within him, he just couldn't put a finger on what or who triggered it. It was just there like a dull ache, thumping away. "Why don't the breathing techniques work when you need them the most?" Ronin wondered.

He left the garage, and the sleepy guard nodded an acknowledgement and opened the boom barrier at the exit. Ronin was a stickler for rules. Every vehicle leaving the premises must be inspected. But today, the guard made no effort... Ronin let it slide. In the rearview mirror, Ronin saw the relief on the guard's face at the last vehicle leaving the parking. Now he could nod-off peacefully into sleep oblivion. "How does he manage to sleep in that creaky chair instantly? I toss and turn for at least an hour on my super-comfortable mattress before sleep decides to descend on me... huh!"

Ronin observed the tangle of thoughts in his head was getting more and more entangled, totally directionless, out of control. He tried the breathing technique again, this time half-heartedly.

"This is Useless...Maybe this is what insanity is." Ronin grunted as switched on the car's music system. In a few seconds he switched it back off. "Uffffoh!!!!! nothing's working. Everything's falling apart”.

The voice in his head returned instantly. "You exactly know what to do."

Ronin pondered, "Am I growing insane?" At that very moment he smiled at the irony of his word choices of "growing" and "insane" in the same question.

Ronin grew up in a traditional family. Being strong meant being unfazed by whatever happens around you. Showing weakness, being vulnerable, talking your heart out to anybody, even your better half; were signs of weakness.

His dad used to say, "Noone looks up to a weak person. If you want to grow and be successful in life, you have to learn the art of being untouchable. Do not allow feelings, emotions or anything else, distract you from your goal."

“Dad, it’s not working.” As Ronin recollected the memory, tears welled up in his eyes.

Ronin’s dad was a proud man. He lived proudly and died on his own terms. He refused treatment and refused everyone’s help. There was a roomful of people in his funeral, but he died alone. He prided himself on being a “self-made man.” He was everything an ideal successful person would be. Even though he loved Ronin more than anything, the only time he expressed his love for his only son, was on his deathbed.

He held Ronin’s hand and begged for forgiveness; for being more tough than any other dads; for being a staunch disciplinarian; for denying Ronin the simple pleasures of childhood and teenage; for never appreciating him; for always critiquing him. As life slipped away from the feeble old man, he looked into Ronin’s eyes and said – “No matter what you be or do, don’t forget to live.”

Ronin hated it. The ever-present inner voice had tried to provide some comfort at the time.

“You don’t need to have a near-death experience to get that! Finally, dad shared his accumulated wisdom. He acknowledged his love for you. You should feel great. Treasure his last words, heed the advice!”

Ronin cringed. “Just shut up, will you?”

For Ronin, it was a bunch of lies. He discarded his father’s last words as blabber of delirium. His dad’s vulnerability came across as, being a weak, pathetic person. With his dying breath Ronin’s dad had betrayed everything he stood for his entire life. Since that day, deep down, somewhere, a knot of raw, untamed emotion of anger took hold over Ronin. He did well to keep it under control. Today, it wasn’t working.

Ronin had been in denial for many years. As if, he were punishing himself for the sins he had not even committed!

He denied himself time to decompress, He denied himself pleasures of a vacation, He denied himself the relief of opening up to someone, He denied himself intimacy in his relationships…In a way, he dreaded to meet the Real Ronin.

As he merged onto the highway traffic, his inner voice quipped again... "Listen to me... Do it."

Ronin thought deep and hard. His mind was in total disarray. This is exactly how he had felt just before he had his first anxiety attack, 3 months back.

"Not so soon man, I am not so weak!" Ronin hoped against hope. He felt himself going down the rabbit hole.

A few more minutes passed as Ronin drove in pin-drop silence. Eventually, Ronin gave up the struggle, “Sorry Dad.”

In a matter of seconds, the fa?ade fell apart, a sense of relief washed over Ronin as tears streamed down his cheeks. That knot of raw, untamed emotion of anger burst like a bubble. For the first time, he sensed the warmth of his dad’s love that had been patiently waiting for Ronin’s acknowledgement; his permission to embrace Ronin from the other side.

Ronin switched on the parking light and pulled up on the shoulder of the highway. He called home and his wife promptly picked up. “Listen, I will be late. I am sorry.”

Ronin’s wife of 11 years hesitated briefly. This was new. Is everything ok with him? He doesn’t sound drunk but something’s off. All she managed to muster was, “Are you feeling, ok?”

Ronin said, “I wasn’t, I am now. Don’t wait up. I will come home and tell you everything.”

He hung up quickly and took a deep breath and hit the number that he had saved in his mobile phone around the time of his first anxiety attack. Many times, he thought of dialing the number again, but never did.

Rajesh Marudhar entered Ronin’s life quite dramatically. Three years back, Ronin was in a very dark place emotionally and was compensating by drinking and working late. One of the days, he hit Rajesh’s car on the highway around 11:30 PM.

Ronin expected the normal, “Are you a complete moron? Can’t you see? Who taught you to drive? How irresponsible can you be to drink and drive? I will call the cops” … etc. etc.

Instead, Rajesh calmly walked out of the car and surprised Ronin by asking, “Are you hurt buddy? Do you need any medical attention, God knows our cars do!”

Rajesh had an unassuming air of honesty and a trusting face. After that quirky jab of humor, he proceeded to help Ronin take off his seatbelt and get out of the smashed vehicle. None of the cars were in a condition to be driven; so, Rajesh graciously offered to drop Ronin first, and then, take the cab to his residence. Both of them bonded over the long drive and Ronin found himself sharing things with Rajesh that he had hardly shared with anyone before. It was easy being the Real Ronin in front of a stranger.

Thus began this friendship.

Rajesh became an incredible support system for Ronin when things totally spiraled out of control around his first anxiety attack. He saw Ronin for who he was and was absolutely ok with it. Somehow, Rajesh always found time for Ronin. Patience was Rajesh's strong suite and single-minded ambition was Ronin's. They laughed together, vacationed together, had drinks together and even introduced the families.

Over a period of time, Ronin recovered (so he thought) and didn’t feel the need to talk to Rajesh anymore or stay in touch. Rajesh never quit trying. He would check-in regularly but never imposed himself. He respected Ronin’s privacy and let him be.

Today was the day. He glanced at his watch, 09:45 PM. Armed with his new-found sense of freedom, Ronin gave in to the eagerness to hit the call button…

Ronin's inner voice heaved a sigh of relief, “Finally…”

“Hi Ronin, lovely surprise. How are you?” The voice of Rajesh Marudhar was a like a stream of clear water. There was no pretense, no hesitation, no anticipation.

Ronin felt better instantly. The only words he managed to mumble were “Hi Raj, Listen… I need to talk.”

Ronin could hear Rajesh adjust his chair, “Tell me all about it… let it out. I am here for you.”

Thank you for making it till the end.

Lucky are the one who find friends like Rajesh. Won't you agree?

Seek to fill your life with people who are willing to be there for you. Often, we tend to ignore or dismiss them because they have huge allowance for us. As they don’t play hard to get, we tend to take them for granted. ?Value these people as much as they value you.

Suppressed emotion and Unresolved trauma when coupled with stress can often lead to anxiety attacks. To this day, talking to mental health professionals is considered a taboo in the society. Many times, people shy away from talking to an anonymous voice on the telephone; they don’t feel a connection, it doesn’t feel real.

Lending a patient ear can make all the difference for someone you care about deeply. Allowing an outlet is the first giant step to support someone. You do not need to solve their problems, you do not need to offer solutions, just let them talk their heart out. Sometimes, it's all that is needed.

Are you willing to be that friend?

This article does not dismiss or undermine the herculean task the mental health specialists, doctors, psychiatrists cater to. Also, this article does not discount the importance of medical diagnosis in such situations.

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